Listening to the rain fall outside is one of the most soothing sounds. It's so quiet out that it makes me feel as if I am sitting in the middle of an uninhabited forest, far from the toils and troubles of people and civilization. Let's face it. Life is just a cruel place and we made it worse by civilizing everything.
I haven't written anything here in a long time. I haven't had the need to. Five months of a toil free, uneventful life. And now it all comes crashing back down in a mess of debris at my feet. Everything I worked so hard to make right seems to be sliding through my fingers like water. The harder I try to hold it together the faster it slips away.
Life is different now. I have a job. I work bizarre hours five times a week and make minimal money. I like my job, though. Everyday I get to meet new people and teach people how to exercise. I work out five days a week as well with my awesome workout buddies who push me to my limits. I have even been doing some boxing and beating the crap out of the heavy bags in the boxing room. You would think things would be good with all that. But it's not so.
Sometimes I wonder if I am the person to blame in all of this. Am I the one who has caused all this pain to myself?
Why do bad things happen to good people?
The seasons are changing again and I dread it. I can already feel the the suffocation of depression tightening it's grip around me, threatening to rip me to pieces. I fight it as best I can. I surround myself with friends, push myself harder in workouts and practically knock myself out with the boxing. But it just isn't enough. No matter how hard I work, I can feel that strangle hold. And a boy's stupidity doesn't help everything either.
What's the point in trying when all I get in the end is pain and disappointment. I am sick and tired of people being interested in me and then deciding I'm not worth it. Seriously, what do I do that makes people change their views so quickly. Is it just because I am being me? Is that it? I don't know, but it's what upsets me more than anything in the world. I just wish things could be different, but that will never be the way for me. I am just not meant to be happy with someone. It's an awful thing to say, but I am beginning to see how truthful it is. The only thing I can do is keep doing what I am doing and forget about everyone else. I would rather deal with the loneliness than the hurt any day of the week...
~Dragon Eyes~
