Eww! That's Just Gross!

Sex is normal. Everyone has sex and people love and crave it. It's just a normal human thing. Tonight, though, was one of those times where I really don't want to hear about it, because I just don't ever want that mental image in my head. Well, I'm sitting on the couch and knitting away at my cable scarf, which looks really cool, when my sister comes over and tells me to check facebook for something gross from one of the ladies who used to be at our barn. She is one of those rich women who wears cashmere to the barn and buys her 11 year old daughter $2000 boots. Yeah. She's loaded and her kid is spoiled rotten. So I checked out facebook and found the status she had put up. It said something like, "had a great date night with the hubby...feeling fresh ;-)...going to do my duty ;-). GROSS! ::vomits a little in mouth:: Pretty image, huh? Just felt like I should share that one with you guys since it was so traumatic for me.

I poked Abby earlier in the night and found out that Andrew never went up to Eastern after all. So I kind of went home for nothing. Though, I did get a hold of my knitting and got a home cooked meal. And will have plenty of codeine cough syrup for tonight since I can't stop coughing my brains out right now.

~Dragon Eyes~

Polish Volcano

Currently I am sitting at home watching X-Men with my Dad instead of being at school and hanging with two of my besties. Want to know the reason? There is only one. And his name is Andrew. Yup, you got it. Andrew has driven me from Eastern, and he doesn't even go there anymore. Honestly, if he wasn't such a farking pansy ass then I would be sitting in my friend's room enjoying myself. But no. Some pansy ass had other ideas for me. I was willing to be friendly and fix things a bit, but now there is no way things can ever be fixed. He doesn't want it and guess what, he is never getting any sympathy from me. I wish I could see the look on his face if he walked in the room to find me sitting there. Oh I would kill for that look.

So here is the story. Apparently at 8am he called and woke up my friend Abby in a paranoid state of panic trying to find out if I was going to be around tonight because he didn't want to see me because he didn't want drama. Honestly, I am not the one causing drama here. I don't like or want drama in my life. I just want to end things and give closure to myself and to him. But he seems to think I will cause drama. I don't think so. He's the only one causing drama here. So I have taken myself out of the equation and left school and gone home. I would rather be with my friends, but I don't want to deal with stupid people. And this proves how Andrew is never going to find anyone worthwhile in his life. Yes, it may be harsh and it may be the anger and frustration leaking out, but he is just no boyfriend material.

I hope Abby and Amanda don't have to listen to that stupid jerk complain about me the whole night. They don't deserve all of that. I am going to send them a message later and see how things are going. I really want to know. But while they deal with him, I am going to soothe my soul with a little bit of knitting. After spending over $100 on supplies, I am going to have some fun trying a new cable scarf and work on making my very first afghan!

~Dragon Eyes~

Slumber Parties and Sick Days

Well I feel like a terrible person now since I didn't update my blog last night but for good reason. I managed to suffer through school with no voice and managed to teach two classes out of three. How? I have no idea. It was harder than I ever imagined. I finally decided to take everyone's advice and call out sick. It took a lot of persuading but I did it this morning at 7am. I sounded awful and had to fight to get my voice to come forth without coughing my brains out but they knew who I was and pretty much were like yeah don't come in. But unfortunately that is my final sick day so I now have to gut it out for the rest of the week. I can do it. I know I can.

Yesterday was so much fun, even when feeling like death. My best friend Alyssa was hosting a sex toy party called Slumber Parties in her room and I went with Reeni, Jeanette, Abby and Amanda. We had such a great time with everything. It was just an awesome way to kick back and have some rip roaring fun with the girls. It was awesome also because my besties Abby and Amanda got to meet my bestie Alyssa and they all hit it off. I love it when friends meet friends. That way there is a little more love being spread throughout the world. Abby and Amanda are hosting a party at some point in Abby's new apartment! That is going to be a blast and a half! I cannot wait for that one!

After the party I went with Reeni back to our room to make dinner, which I tried to eat and failed and then ended up feeling even more like death afterward. Stupid dairy. Alex Renner and Sam came over and we watched some tv and chatted before going back over to Abby and Amanda's room. Sam and Alex eventually left and Alyssa wandered over and the five of us had a great time for a while and when Alyssa had to go the rest of us kept going until about 1:30am. We had finally had our girl's night that had failed so long ago and which also signified the end of Andrew and I.

Speaking of him he is coming up this Friday. And I am going to be here this Friday for once. The crazy thing is I want to see him and get this over with. I want him to see that I am the mature one in this situation. I'm over it. It has come and gone and I am fine with everything. I am okay to meet him face to face and be acquaintances again. I believe in forgiveness. I don't like to hold grudges. That's not my style, though I do it with Mike but I think that is different. I want to show him that I am willing to let things go and start over. Abby stated that he would probably be the one to make things awkward but that wouldn't be surprising. Amanda and Abby told me I could be in their room before he came to give myself almost the home ground turf thing going. I want to see him and get everything over with and actually be civil with each other. He might not go for it, but that's his problem not mine.

~Dragon Eyes~

The Great Orator Has Been Silenced

Okay, I am not the greatest orator in the world, but I thought it was fitting since I am teaching my students about the French Revolution. Robespierre was a great orator who called for the death of thousands of people by the guillotine during the Reign of Terror. It eventually got so out of control that the people came after him. He tried to kill himself but failed miserably and ended up shooting himself in the jaw, shattering the bone and silencing him forever. I figured it was all relevant seeing as my voice has been silenced as well. It takes so much energy right now to even project my voice far enough for a person standing near me to hear. My throat is so sore and now I have a lovely cough that has appeared as well. But my voice is the big thing. I have no voice. It is gone. Oh well. I guess that happens sometimes, and I shouldn't really complain since my teacher did most of the teaching today since I couldn't talk. He will probably have to do the same thing again tomorrow, but that's okay with me.

I am trying to look on the bright side of life. While Mike is being an ass I have figured out how much better off I am and how much more I have going for me. I have so many amazing friends that surround me on a daily basis. No matter where I go I manage to run into someone and there are more than enough people to talk to. I can always turn to someone. School is almost over. Only three more weeks after this week. I cannot believe I only have three weeks left of student teaching. I cannot wait. I am so ready to be done. And speaking of student teaching I am almost finished with my portfolio. That was a coup for me! I am so lazy and unmotivated at the moment that getting any of it done is incredible.

This Saturday I am supposed to be going to NYC for the day with the history club. We are leaving bright and early and we are coming back before 7pm so I can make it to work and the freshmen can make it to the dining hall before it closes. I am supposed to be going with my my teacher and my students on the same day but they aren't coming back until 10pm and that is way too late for me. I have to tell them I won't be going with them because of that and hope we don't take the same train. That would be awkward.

Sunday is my best friend Jocelyn's 22nd birthday. I am super excited because I get to hang out with her all day. We are going to get together early and catch up and have our crochet and knitting party. She crochets and I knit. We are actually going to collaborate in our efforts and try and make a profit. She has an etsy page that has her jewelry and crocheted items, and we are going to include some of my stuff as well to try and boost income a bit. I hope the two of us are successful. That would be amazing.

Otherwise that is all I have for now. Hopefully I'll be feeling better soon. I really do hate being sick. It's no fun at all.

~Dragon Eyes~

The First And Last Thing

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens you chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different than any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness. So simple a phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

The first and last thing I wanted to see I found on facebook at 530am when I rolled my sickly self out of bed and staggered to my computer. I pulled up facebook and the first thing I saw in my news feed was the last thing I wanted to see. I swear there was someone out there who just needed me to see it and suffer the pain that came with it. The first thing I saw was that Mike was in a relationship.

Even though we haven't spoken to each other in a month now, it still hurt. What is so special about this dumb bimbo? I don't even know her name or what she looks like, because the jerk is so secretive, but I hate her. There are so many things I wish I could say to him right now, and none of them are friendly. They are all the words that I have wanted to say to him for the longest time. If only I could get the courage the scream them at him; let him know everything I feel about him. I want to let him know how much I love him and how much I hate him. I need him to know these things. He needs to know how much of an ass he really is. If only if only.

If he ever does decided to talk to me again he is going to get a piece of my mind. He is going to find out just how pissed I am. But knowing my luck there won't be a next time. Then again if he breaks things off with this bimbo, as he is sure to do, then he will probably come crawling back to me yet again. Every time I pick his sorry ass back off the ground and put him back on his feet and every time he walks away and does it all over again. This time I will not be sympathetic. I am through with being nice. He will see the ugly side of me that no one ever wants to see; the side of me that I keep hidden away under that bell jar in my mind. Unfortunately the dual personality is part of being a Gemini. I truly believe I have two personalities: the one people usually see and the one very few people see. My friendly, bubbly personality and my vicious cold-blooded one.

The Rolling Stones are right. I look inside myself and see my heart is black. While everyone tells me that there is someone out there somewhere I highly doubt that at this point in life. Every guy who come close to me and tries to win over my heart I push away. I am afraid of being hurt again like I have been with Mike. Mike has hurt me in so many ways that I feel like my heart has shattered. There is nothing left of it. People come along and try to put it back together but there are just too many pieces; too much damage. Kyle keeps on trying to win my heart, and he's a sweet guy, but I am afraid to take that step to him. My heart and my head are confused. They want to like him but they aren't sure if that is the case. I am also afraid that their won't be that spark; that incredible spark I felt when I was with Mike. No one has been able to replicate that.

The only thing I can do now is fill my heart with hate and keep on going. And then rip Mike a new one f he ever talks to me again. And I will not give in first. There is no way I am going to give that ass the satisfaction of crawling to him. No way. I will keep my heart as strong and cold as steel. There is no way I am going to let him inside again to rip me apart. I have been ripped apart by him too much and too many times. I am done.

~Dragon Eyes~

Sick Days

So this morning I woke up (at 8am) since Ginger left her alarm on again and it went off. I managed to sleep until almost 10 when I got my stuff together and rolled home. I didn't feel great but kind of got myself together and kept on going. Went to my car and drove home. It was a long drive. The headache I had woken up with just seemed to get worse. I got home and curled myself up on the couch and watched some NCIS and eventually put on some movies.

I eventually had lunch and then took a nosedive turn for the worse. I was lightheaded and couldn't figure out if I wanted to pass out or throw up. So I crashed on the bathroom floor for a while until I got so cold that I managed to get myself down to my room where I crashed in bed positively freezing and with a throbbing migraine. Eventually everyone in my family wandered off to wherever they needed to go and I was left at home where I moved back to the living room and watched movies and napped. I took stuff for my migraine which made it a little better but I still have a headache now as I sit here and type this. It wasn't a super productive day. I watched a documentary on the French Revolution that I think I am going to show my students and chatted with my friend Erin. She is also student teaching and wants no part of it anymore. She told me she hated it after week two and has been faking it everyday since then. I think I have been doing the same things as well. She gave me some ideas for the French Revolution so I am going to see what I can do with it all.

This is going to be a long week. I can already tell. The week starts with a 2 day so that means I will be teaching three class on MWF and my two favorite classes on TR. Ugh. I really need to start giving some of these classes back. I am so done with the whole thing. My teacher is going to work with me about engaging my students and such and I will bring up to him the phasing back in on his part. Maybe I'll be able to go see other classes being observed. First I just have to make it to tomorrow and see if I can make it through the day. If i feel really ugh in the morning I will probably call out sick. But I am hoping this doesn't happen so I can continue with my kids and try to engage them more. Ugh these next four weeks are going to drag by. I just know it.

~Dragon Eyes~

How Do We Keep Ourselves Going?

Life is rough. There is no denying that. Life has the tendency to throw some of the nastiest things in your direction. Just when we believe that things can't get much worse, they somehow manage to. I see this happen all the time. Especially this semester. I have had some of the worst luck and some of the worst stuff has happened as well. I just want this entire semester to be over so that I can move on and do something that I want to do in life.

While not having to go to school I find myself back to dwelling on all sorts of things yet again. I look to Monday and cringe. I am so through with teaching. It is something I don't want to do anymore. I just want to be done with it for good and never return. Once was enough for me. My teacher says I need to learn how to engage students more. I am trying. I really am. They just don't care. He told me to try more group activities but they have all been fiascoes. Some of them have worked out okay but the kids don't take them seriously for me. There is only so much I can do with that. Also my teacher tells me to do all of these group activities, but when I was observing him at the beginning, he did none of this stuff. Ugh. I don't get what anyone wants from me anymore. Nothing is ever good enough for people. I want to be good, but no matter what I do I can't. I hate it. I have to teach the French Revolution on Monday and I have some activities but I haven't even thought of anything else. I don't know what I am going to do. Four weeks left seems like an eternity. Just when I think I might be able to make it, I discover that I don't think I can. I have to talk to my teacher because he is supposed to be phasing back in at some point but I don't know how he wants to do that and when he wants to start doing that. If he does start taking classes back over I am going to see if I can go observe other teachers teaching and see what they do. One, it will give me different experiences with other teachers and their styles, and two, it will keep me from being absolutely bored to death. I will have to talk to him this coming week and see what we can do. I am hoping by the last week I will have either one or two classes or none at all. That will make me feel so much better if I can go to school and observe again.

I took Praxis II this morning in Naugatuck. Let's just say I think I probably failed it once again. Honestly the test is a piece of crap. All it is doing is training us how to be good at jeopardy. I could honestly care less now that I don't want to be a teacher anymore, but I have to take it because my parents want me to get my certificate. Ugh. Seems like a waste of time and money in my book right now. I probably failed it again. After the fifth time taking it and failing it is when I will stop. There is only so much one person can put themselves through with all of this after a while.

May 2 is my best friend's birthday. She is trying to get a group of us together to celebrate like we do every year. I am super excited because I absolutely love Jocelyn and this also gives me an excuse to be happy and relax and just have a good time. I just hope her allergies aren't terrible this year for her birthday. If I could, I would give her the birthday present of banishing her allergies forever. I think she would love that one. If only if only.

Work has gone by quite fast tonight. Probably for two different reasons. One of them is the fact that tomorrow is Sunday and that means school will be getting even closer. The other reason it went so fast was because James let me borrow Avatar. OH. MY. GOD. IT WAS INCREDIBLE!! I have never seen a more breathtaking movie before! It just drew me in a held me absolutely enthralled and on the edge of my seat here. It was such an amazing ride. I didn't want it to end. I am definitely going to have to get this movie and add it to my collection. This one I cannot pass up!

The other thing that got me thinking this weekend and today has been something completely different from student teaching and school. It has been about a certain person. It has been about Mike. I swear. I don't know what's wrong with my half the time. There is part of my that longs for him and is dying for him. It's like it needs contact with him to survive. And then there is the other half which is firm and steadfast and refuses to give in. Refuses to let me initiate contact with him and tells me that I am so much better without him. It is hard though. The only analogy I can come up with is that he is a drug. He is a powerful, addictive drug, and I am an addict. I am addicted to him and everything about him. After watching lots and lots of Celebrity Rehab and Sober House, I can see this tie even more. It's a disease. And that's what he is. He is a drug and a disease to me and he only hurts me instead of helps me. That's what I keep trying to tell myself over and over again. Unfortunately, like any addict, I try to slip back to him; fall back into old habits. I know I can't do that. I know it will only hurt me more in the end. But there is something that won't let me let him go. I need him. My heart is broken over him. I want him in my life. It's like that song. The song by Lady Antebellum:

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

That is what it feels like. This song calls out and grabs me harder than any other song I know of right now. I hear it on the radio, or itunes or my ipod and all I can think of is Mike and his face and his voice and all of those good memories we have had together. I don't want to lose those or forget those because he has been a huge part of my life. It's just hard because he crosses my mind all the time and deep down I wonder if I ever cross his. I don't know the answer to that one, but I am sure he looks at my away messages and facebook statuses. But there is no way to know that. My heart is broken over it all, and I think it will still be something I think about for a long time to come. Maybe one day we will talk again. Or we will just follow our separate paths and never meet again. I hope it isn't the latter one. But for now I just have to find something to keep myself going day after day. It is so hard, but it's something I just have to do I guess. There isn't anything else to do except soldier on and hope for the best with everything.

~Dragon Eyes~

Mr. Darcy

"You have bewitched me body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you."
~Mr. Darcy~

No matter how many times I have seen this movie I will always be choked up at the end when Mr. Darcy comes out of the early morning mist and confesses his love to Elizabeth Bennett. There are some days when I wish someone as handsome and sweet as that would come out of the mist and sweep me off of my feet. Yet I find myself still alone. While being single is nice, I wish I had someone I can love with all my heart and feel comfortable around; be able to talk to them about anything. Someday I guess.

The week is finally coming to a close. It has been a long week. I have somehow managed to make it through the entire week. There were ups and downs, but in the end it all seemed to work out. My observation went well today even though there were some interesting moments with my students but that is to be expected I guess. I forgot to ask my supervisor if my teacher is supposed to start taking classes back over. I guess I will just shoot him an email and see what he says.

Other than that there isn't much going on. I have finished all I need to do and find myself once again being bored. I wish there was something for me to do rather than watch more movies. But I guess I shouldn't complain over the lack of activity.

~Dragon Eyes~

Half Way

I have made it through half of the week! Only two more days to go and I get to go home and sleep a little bit. I have just been so tired this week. It's almost as if my body is rebelling against me. Oh well. I knew this was coming. Bu today went well with my students and I am hoping tomorrow will be okay as well. I get observed in one of my troublesome classes, so it should be interesting, but I am hoping I will do okay and will get a decent review. I need to make up from my last one which wasn't super stellar. I am also going to ask my university supervisor about when my teacher should start taking classes back over (if he is even supposed to do that). I am just so ready to be done. I am so done with getting up at 530am and being stuck in a building all day. I know after this week only four more left. It just seems so much longer for some reason.

Anyway I believe that is all for now. So I think I will be heading to bed. I am just so tired...

~Dragon Eyes~

Sea of Love

"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."
~Mac MacGuff from Juno~

I am actually feeling okay about teaching my lesson to my two classes tomorrow. I was going nuts because I was trying to figure out how to teach the Enlightenment and what I should and stuff like that. I want to make it interesting...or more interesting. Honestly I hate the Enlightenment. It is an annoying and boring piece of history. But it's important. It is the foundation of democracy. So I kind of need to teach it. I have a power point and interactive activities and charts and such. I am hoping this will work well tomorrow so that it works great for my observation with this on Thursday. I am willing to give it the benefit of the doubt. I hate being observed but this should be my second to last one. I think. I am hoping so. I need this to be over with.

I actually hung out with my roommates for a while today. It was Keri and Jen that I watched a movie with as well as with Alex Pach. We watched the Virgin Suicides or something like that. What a messed up movie!! I was uber confused. It wasn't the best movie I have ever seen but it wasn't the worse either. I just couldn't figure out what would make these five sisters feel like there was nothing left for them in life. Honestly, life sucks. There's no other way to describe it. But there is always another option. Apparently these girls didn't think so. Oh well. Their loss not mine.

I watched the movie Juno tonight while I was lesson planning. It's a good movie, but I always get choked up at the end. Bleeker comes in and curls up in the bed with Juno and she cries. The song Sea of Love by Cat Power comes on and I just lose it. There are lots of times where I just feel alone and helpless and wish there was some nice guy who would curl up with me and just be my silent friend. I don't need words of comfort. Just his presence. Oh I wish I had someone like that.

~Dragon Eyes~

Good vs. Bad

I've been told to look at the good things in my life over and over again and realize how the bad things really aren't so bad. I don't know. For some reason I just can't seem to look at the good things in life. For some reason the bad things (even though they aren't terrible) override the good things. I wish that wasn't the case because maybe I wouldn't work myself up like this over and over again. I dunno. I just don't know anymore.

I'm trying not to have a mental breakdown right now. It isn't easy.

~Dragon Eyes~

Drowning

I feel like I am crumbling and cannot hold on. I watch the minutes tick by and as the end of work nears so does the end of my vacation. I am terrified for tomorrow. I don't want to go back and feel like I can't continue. I feel almost as if I am drowning in my own depression and I just can't seem to pull myself back up. I don't want to give in to it. That wouldn't help me or anyone else. It would just make matters worse. I hate constantly updating my blog like this but I feel like if I don't tell someone then I won't make it. Even thought I am really not telling anyone, writing it down does seem to help. I know there are people we are going to read this and in that way I am talking to someone. I just feel like it is getting harder and harder for me to hold back the tears and hold it all together. I know I can fall apart and cry myself to sleep back at my room, but there are just some times when I wish I could allow myself to cry in front of someone and actually let someone try and help me. Bu that isn't my style I guess. I see tears as a weakness. And I don't want other people to look at me and see that I am weak. Because that is what I am: weak. I look in the mirror and all I see is weakness staring back at me. I don't know how I am ever going to make it out in the real world. I can't even survive student teaching without mentally losing it. How am I going to survive a real job?

I wish there was someone out there who would hold me and not let me go. Hold me and whisper in my ear that everything is going to be okay and that I am not alone. But I am alone. I feel like there is no one. I know that that is not true because I chatted with my friend Jaci from home and she assured me I wasn't alone. But I can't shake the feeling that I am. I guess I am going to try and read my book a little bit before work ends and I can escape to my room and cry myself to sleep which I find I do quite a bit. Last semester I cried myself to sleep because of my back. This semester I cry myself to sleep for more reasons than I even understand. I wish I didn't have to cry myself to sleep. It just makes me feel even worse in some ways, but better in others.

~Dragon Eyes~

Lonely

Now that I am back on campus and surrounded by people I find that I am lonelier than ever. I look around at all the people and feel like I am missing out. I don't know why, but I just feel like I am standing still while everyone is running by. I miss being on campus all day and going to class and hanging out with people at night and doing real homework. I feel like I have no life this semester with student teaching and I feel like I am missing out on my last semester at Eastern. It just doesn't seem fair.

I want to go home more than anything in the world. I want to be with my family and friends and especially with my horse. I don't want to be on this campus anymore and I don't want to student teach anymore. I have pretty much hit the end of the line. Every weekend I escape home and every Sunday when I come back I feel like it gets harder and harder to find a reason to come back. A deep seated sadness seems to sink into me and won't let me go. And as I sink further and further, the lonelier I seem to become. I know there are people out there who love and care for me and will do anything for me, but for some reason I just feel alone and helpless. I hate feeling like this because this isn't me. I just feel like no one understands what I am going through and no one knows how I feel. If I could transfer how I feel every day on to someone I think they would then understand how I feel.

Five weeks is a long time left, but there is nothing else I can do but keep going and hope to make it out alive on the other side. My lesson plan is done for tomorrow and I can now sit and do nothing here at work, which might not be the greatest for me, but there is nothing else I can do. I already got my crying out of the way on the way back to campus. I think I must cry at least once a week, if not more. It's not a prolonged type of crying, just a quick cry. I can't seem to bring myself to cry for long periods of time anyway. It just isn't my style to draw it out or something.

This Tuesday will be about three weeks since me and Mike have talked. I wonder how long this will last. And I wonder why he suddenly decided that I wasn't worth talking to anymore...

~Dragon Eyes~

It Feels Real

Last night when I was reading my book right before bed I realized something. This book is part of a series and a very long involved series at that with amazingly lovable characters and terrible enemies. I hardly have time to read it anymore but I managed to find the time to read last night. As I was reading something terrible happened and one of the main characters was dying. Through all the books she was such a fierce, strong-willed character and in one awful incident she was dying. Reading it was one of the hardest things imaginable. It was like one of my best friends was dying in the same fashion. I had never felt such horrible pain and loss before over a character in a book. It was such a strong and interesting feeling as I read and cried along with the other main character who clung to her and cried and willed everything to be alright. In the end something crazy happened with his magic and she was alright, but it was a struggle and a half. This is why I love reading books. They draw you in and make you believe these characters are real. I would have written this last night but I couldn't be pulled away from my book long enough to do so.

As We Reach The End

Well. It is official. My April break is sadly coming to a close and on Monday I will be back to getting up at 530am and teaching kids history. It's not that I don't like teaching. It's okay. It's not great and it's not terrible, but it is definitely something I don't want to do for the rest of my life. I want to do something that doesn't involve me dealing with stupid people and people who don't care. This break was nice. I really needed it, but at the same time it was a bit of a tease for me. Now I am already on break mode and ready to do nothing all summer. Now that I have to go back for five weeks I am really going into senioritis mode. I could slough off and stuff but that is something I can't even do. I have to perform to the nines until the very last day. What a lovely thought.

I spent last night hanging out with my best friend Jocelyn. I got home late and was unmotivated to update my blog. It was a great time. As always we went to Denny's and had breakfast and chatted about everything from boys to school and beyond. After Denny's we went back to her house and hung out and watched Walle and just had a great time. I have known her since middle school and consider her to be one of my very best friends. I hardly get to see her anymore and when July comes she will be on her clinical and I will see even less of her, but I am sure we will figure something out. That is what we are best at.

My lesson on Grady went well today and things are really starting to fall into place. It has taken a long while but the two of us are really coming together. I am starting to figure out what he does and how to fix it when things start to go badly. We can successfully get to jumps and are starting to find distances easier. It's still going to take some time to work all of the kinks out so that we operate as one unit, but I am hoping things will come together for the 2010 show season.

There are lots of CHSA (Connecticut Horse Shows Association) rates shows. You try to go to as many shows as possible that are rated as such and try to get as many points as you possibly can. If you get enough points you might be invited to go to the CHSA Finals. For local showing it's a pretty big deal to get to the finals. I don't know if it will happen this season or not but it is worth trying to go for it. Who knows. Maybe things will work out and one or both me and my sister will get there. I just hope I will be able to get my horse to go around the ring like a gentleman. We will just have to see what happens.

My lesson planning is pretty much all done and I think I am going to be okay on Monday. I only teach two classes and it should be an easy day. I hope...

~Dragon Eyes~

95 = The Bane of My Existance

Tonight was a fabulous night! I spent it in Milford with Kyle at the Milford Mall. After getting lost getting there and discovering how messed up 95 is, I made it to the mall and met up with Kyle. We wandered around a little bit and eventually went to the movie theater that was inside the mall and saw How to Train Your Dragon in 3D. I have never seen a 3D movie before so I was very excited about the whole thing! The movie was really good! It was so cute and all I wanted was a pet Dragon of my own! Once the movie was over we put our name in at Buffalo Wild Wings and then proceeded to wander around the mall catting to kill some time.

Dinner was great and we even saw some friends who were also eating there. It was just a good night of laughing and chatting and catching up. Once dinner was over, Kyle walked me out to my car and we hugged goodbye and stuff, and after going to the wrong way once again and being led by Kyle, I managed to make it onto 95. Then of course I didn't listen to my GPS when it told me that there was severe traffic ahead and got stuck in the worst traffic jam imaginable. Oh well. This is why I don't like 95 at all.

All in all it was an amazing night! And I look back and go, why was I nervous???

~Dragon Eyes~

Just Another Day

Now that I have gotten home and have eaten a second dinner I have no motivation to do anything. I was going to work on lesson planning and my student teaching portfolio but I just don't feel like doing either. I guess I could work on them on Friday when I have nothing to do all day. I just don't want to do anything. I would rather be done right now and never go back to student teaching if it was up to me. I just don't like it enough to do it for five more weeks. Ugh. Five more weeks of hell. Then I am officially done and don't have to do anything. I hate feeling this unmotivated and unhappy when I think of student teaching and school but that's what it's all come down to. I just want to start working towards being a personal fitness trainer now.

Being up at school was kind of like a double-edged sword. I had to sit in class and listen to everyone talk about their field placements and about all this creative stuff they were doing and such. It just makes me feel like I am not putting in the same amount of work or am as good at this as they are. I hate sitting in that class and feeling like I am a total screw up and am just barely making due. I would rather do something that's meaningful and that I am really good at.

The good part was I got to go to dinner with Jeanette and got to hang out with Abby, Amanda and Sam for a little bit. I love my friends and love being with them. I would rather spend all day with them then do student teaching anymore. It just doesn't make me happy. It pulls me down farther and farther and by the end of the week I am struggling to keep going. I just need it to all be over with so I can sleep and do nothing. I am just so tired...

~Dragon Eyes~

Trying to Prove Myself

Today I came home and went to talk to the Branford Hall people about the personal fitness training program there. I was there for probably close to two hours and went around and talked to everyone as well as got a tour and then pretty much signed up to start the program in June. I will be doing the day session of the program and that is held from 8am to 230pm Monday through Thursday and this is for like 9 months and by March I will be complete and ready to go off and get a job. All expenses are included in the tuition like books and all the equipment and uniform that I need to wear and such. The tuition is $14,000 but it includes everything. I know it is a lot and stuff but Eastern was quite a bit more. I got a tour of the place as well and I really liked everything they had to offer.

Breaking it to my mom was another story. She was not thrilled and continued to tell me that she was watching me waste all my time at Eastern to go to a career institute. It hurt. No lie. I was crushed. I figured she would be happy to see me be happy doing something I want to do. She knows teaching isn't what I want to do. She hears me complain and be upset about it all the time. It's just not for me. Being a personal fitness trainer allows me to work with all kinds of people who want to learn from me. Teaching is nice and all but I am so burned out after 4 and half months. I would not be able to survive an entire year. I know in my heart that I would be miserable for 180 days or however long the school year is. I have always told people that I could never see myself trapped behind a desk all day and that's exactly what teaching is. I would rather get up at 530am and go to a gym than go teach. It is going to take them some convincing. And I think they should be happy that I actually have a college degree. I could have skipped college altogether or skipped out halfway through. I completed it. That's something right?

It doesn't feel like a Tuesday. I am used to being on campus that I find it weird to be home. It's also going to make those last five weeks of student teaching hell. I'm just not going to want to do much of anything. All I'll be thinking of is being home and sleeping. Ugh. I don't want to go back and finish it, but I am so close that it is stupid to quit now.

I am going on a date on Thursday with Kyle. We are going to go see the movie How To Train Your Dragon in 3D. I am excited and nervous. We have known each other for almost two years so I know what to expect from him and what kind of person he is. But I am wondering if something is going to come out of this. I hope so, but I am not holding my breath. Dreaming gets you nowhere except for getting your hopes up and then crushing them.

Speaking of crushing, I think someone has a crush on me. Yes. I really do. I think Brian Lloyd has a crush on me. I think he talks to me every day and now he has begun to stop by while I am working and hang out with me. He's a nice kid, but he is starting to get a little clingy and its driving me bananas. Maybe I need some space too?? He's a nice kid and all but I see him as a friend. I have noticed this with guys. As soon as a guy takes interest and starts talking to me nonstop I back off and run away. I don't know why this is. Maybe I am just mental. Maybe the Zoloft I just started will eventually help.

~Dragon Eyes~

Bored Stiff

Let's just say I am bored out of my mind right now. It's sad when even Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back isn't keeping me entertained anymore. I love the Star War movies and seeing as it's the 30 year anniversary of the movie, I felt it was necessary to watch it. Other than that, that is pretty much what's going on here at work. It's bad not having anything to do. Especially when it comes to me because I can be very destructive when I am bored.

I ended up going to my medication evaluation at the counseling center today and talked with the nurse practitioner there. She was very nice and feels that I have a low level of depression so we are going to give a very small dose of Zoloft a try. No lie, I am a little nervous about going on something like this. I have never done something like this before, but if it helps, then I am all for giving it a try. So I am going to get the prescription tomorrow and probably start it on Wednesday. We will have to see how that goes.

I also bought my cap and gown today as well as ended up chatting with my friend Eric. He came over with Reeni and I chatted with both of them for a bit. And then it was time for work, and I had to dodge some water balloons in order to escape lowrise. All good fun. I just hope tomorrow is much more lively. I'm so tired of being so bored all the time. Also Alex Renner ended up moving to Laurel today after spending all day with us. I am happy that he is in a better room with better people (hopefully).

~Dragon Eyes~

Catching Up

Well I haven't written in a little bit so I'll kind of summarize what's going on over here. On Saturday Night when I cam back from work at 1am there was everyone under the sun in my room. I thought it was kind of odd since this was one of the only times I have ever seen this many people in my room at such a late hour. After I got myself all ready for bed I was told the entire story.

Alex Renner's roommates got really drunk and violent and started throwing glass bottles and stuff at our door and the door next to ours. The police were called after Jen almost got hit with something. They came and arrested one of the roommates. Well then there was drama because the other roommates went nuts that Alex had fingered them and all this stuff and (we have no idea who) but someone kicked in Alex's door and wrecked his room. They didn't steal anything. Just wrecked it. So he eventually came over after talking with the police once again and ended up staying the night in our room.

Sunday was the horse show. It went really well! I was so proud of my horse! He was such an awesome boy in the long stirrup classes. Everyone did really well. I also got to see one of my best friends Cara! I hadn't seen here in almost two years and missed her big time. It was so nice to catch up with her and see how far she had come with Cheyanne. Ali did well with both Buddy and Beau even though Buddy was a little nutty, but seeing as he hadn't jumped in a long time I don't blame him.







Alex Renner spent the night once more in a our and most of his stuff is sitting in our common room now. Apparently whoever destroyed his room the first time went back and did more damage and he also found a swastika on the wall. He's Jewish to boot. He is going to be filing hate crimes with that one. He's one of my best friends and it makes m e mad and upset that someone would do something like this to him. He is currently over in his room tying to move his stuff out and such. The witness protection program on campus is moving him to Laurel sometime this afternoon. I really hope it all works out for him. And I am sure we are going to be seeing him all the time because all of his live here in lowrise. Oh well, that's all for now. I shall probably write some more later to let you all know how my medication evaluation goes today at 3:30pm.

~Dragon Eyes~

Officially on April Break

Well, I am officially on my April Break. I have been counting down the days to this for a very long time it seems. After this there are only five more weeks left and then it's over and I can graduate and summer can officially begin. I am so looking forward to that fact. I just to spend a bunch of time doing nothing. I can catch up on my reading and writing as well as making up for all the missed time at the gym by going all out. That is the part I am most excited about. The gym. I live there. With student teaching I have barely been able to go. I can get there three days a week at best and I don't have the same amount of time to spend working out like I want to. This summer I am going to take some classes. I am definitely going to take Zumba again as well as try Pilates or Yoga. Or both! I also want to try using the pool and swimming some laps. That could be very interesting.

My parents are not at all thrilled about the fact that I want to become a personal fitness trainer. They both think I am going to waste my time as well as waste all of the time I have spent at Eastern. I am upset and angry hearing them say that. They both want me to go into teaching and the more they push the more I pull away in the other direction. I want to prove to them that I can do it and that it is something that I am good at and can make money doing. I am pretty much guaranteed a job and it makes a decent amount of money. It's also something I like to do. I get to spend my life at the gym in comfortable gym clothes, teaching people about exercising and such. What better job for me. Teaching is nice but it's way to sedentary. I spend all day locked in a building unable to do anything but sit around and teach. By the time I am free from the building I am tired and have lessons to plan and the gym just gets pushed aside. I hate that. The gym is part of my life and if I give that up it's like killing a part of my soul. I can't wait to talk to the Branford Hall people on Tuesday about it all.

I am currently sitting back at work. I am here until 1am tonight. Oh what fun. Blarney's is having this 50 days until graduation celebration right now, but seeing as I am here I can't go there. It really doesn't matter to me. I kept trying to tell Alex Moura that when he was talking to me on facebook chat. He was so funny. He felt so bad about me not being able to go. He really is such a sweetie. Now if only I can find a really nice guy like that to date. That would be incredible. But alas, that probably won't happen for a very very very long time.

Tomorrow is a schooling horse show at my barn. We shall see how that goes. My horse was not being a good boy today for my lesson. It will be interesting to see how well he does over 18 inch fences tomorrow...

~Dragon Eyes~

Almost There

I am almost to the end of the week and the start of my April break. I have been counting down the days and weeks until this point in time. I am just so tired and so in need of some quality time home with my family, my horse, and the gym. 2pm tomorrow cannot come soon enough. I will have a sub with me tomorrow since my teacher will have left for the airport and China. I will also have a sub the first day back from vacation. That's okay with me. After vacation there is only five more weeks left of student teaching. Oh my god I am almost done! I can't even believe how I have made it through. It just seems like I have been doing this for an eternity. Once it is over with I will be off in the real world and will not have to ever do it again if I so please.

This coming week I am going to look for jobs and such and see what I can find. I am also going to work on cooking. I want to learn how so why not practice while I am at home for a while? In a lot of ways I wish this was the end and that I could just stay home for good, but life is never that simple these days.

Today I ended up losing both my cell phone and my ID and then finding them again. The cell phone turned up at the Stop and Shop pharmacy the ID ended up underneath my shower caddy. And with everything I managed to get a free 2010 census tee shirt. Not bad, huh? And that is pretty much it. I am currently playing the Sims 3 again and I am supposed to be popping over and hanging out with Abby and Amanda for a while. I super excited because I need a change from my room and I haven't really seen or talked to them in a long time and they are two of my besties.

ONE MORE DAY!!!!!

~Dragon Eyes~

My Brain Hurts

My brain seriously feels like a pile of mush right now. I went to this certification meeting for student teachers this evening. Let's just say I walked out of there even more confused and jaded than when I walked into that room at 5pm. This is seriously the most complicated system ever and the certificates have to be renewed after so many years. Ugh. I seriously have no idea where to start with it all and frankly I don't give a damn as they say in Gone With the Wind. I am so done with the whole education system of America. After finding out today that the budget for East Haddam school systems is pretty much being completely cut and that these crazy people are calling the schools incompetent and stating we shouldn't waste money on those that can't be helped really steamed my clams. People are so dumb. If there is more money put into the schools then the students will have more resources to use and will improve. How dare they call kids a waste of time! It's just so corrupt and unfair. This is the one thing that keeps me going back day after day. The kids have every right to learn. And they constantly get the short end of the stick. It sucks and I am determined to make every bit of difference that I can and leave some sort of mark, if any with them.

On a happier note I got a phone call from the Branford Hall people and I now have an appointment on Tuesday to meet with them and talk to them about the personal fitness trainer program there. I am so excited! I can't wait to see what is offered! According to Larry, it is one of the largest job markets out there and is most popular on the east coast, especially New England! Pretty much I will have a job lined up for me when I am done! I can't say the same about teaching. I can't wait to meet with Larry and discuss the program and everything and find out what it all entails. My mom still isn't super thrilled but I keep telling her how much I want to do something that I love. I'll see what goes on Tuesday. I know I am going to have a lot of work to do over the summer. I have to get into better shape, lose weight and tone up. I know it's going to be hard and that it won't happen instantly, but I think trying to get a personal trainer myself will also help. This coming week I will talk to the people at the YMCA in my town and see what they have to say about personal trainer prices and just job opportunities for me over the summer. Who knows?

I got to see both Abby and Amanda today! I feel like I haven't seen them in forever! It was so nice to see them for even just a few minutes and such. I also ran around with Lena and Veronica as well as Kevin and Kerri and other people who had ventured down to DQ. I also ran into Alex Moura today. He was so funny! He almost didn't recognize me with my hair! He saw me at the gym yesterday briefly. He was talking to Kerri, so I only waved to him. Didn't want to disrupt him while he was chatting and maybe making plans with her. But he liked my hair and such. I am sure I am going to run into him again because I want to hit him up about Kerri and see what happened with that.

Other than that I have nothing super new to report except that Mike still hasn't talked to me and it has been over a week. Oh well. His loss. I am now off to play some Sims 3 and hopefully not electrocute and kill my sim like I did last night!! That was so bad!

~Dragon Eyes~

New Career Choice

In my unhappiness this morning driving to school to teach when I didn't want to and to be observed, which is one of the most terrifying things in my book, when I had an epiphany. I realized that all along I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life. What is my most favorite thing to do? Go to the gym. Where can people always find me? At the gym. What is the one place where I always say my heart belongs? The gym. And there is my answer and career choice. I love the gym. I want to be a personal fitness trainer. Why didn't I see it before? It's perfect. It's everything I want to do in life. Spend my life at the gym, where comfortable gym clothes all day, and teach people how to exercise properly and get the best results possible. This is a job I can see myself doing for the rest of my life. This is something that I want to do and look forward to doing. I have no idea what my parents are going to say to all of this but I really don't care. This is something that I really want to do and no one can tell me I can't do it.

Yes. I know I just did a complete 180. For the last four years I have been training to be a high school history teacher. That was what I was going to do since the time I started school. And now, less than two months to graduation, I decide that this is what I really want to do. Oops. Better late than never, I guess. Everyone I mention it to thinks that it's awesome and could so see me doing it. I already looked it up and there is a place called Branford Hall right in my town that offers it! I sent a message and received a phone call which I am going to return tomorrow. I'm very excited. For the first time in a long time I am actually happy about doing something. Finally.

I survived school. My observation went okay. It wasn't stellar my all means and I felt I could have done so much better. But now that I found where my heart truly lies it makes it even harder for me to go back and keep going. I see no point to any of it anymore. I wasn't cut out to be a teacher and I know this now. If I had known about being a personal fitness trainer earlier I could have saved myself the trouble of the education program and student teaching. Oh well. I guess everything happens for a reason. I just have to make it through the next three days and then I have a week off. Three days seems so far away...

~Dragon Eyes~

As The Days Pass By

"People who are lonely are those that do not know what to do with the time when they are alone."
~Quentin Crisp~

The days pass by one by one; little by little. For some reason I find the passing of the days excruciating. They just seem to go too slowly, and when I look ahead at the next day all I can focus on are the road blocks and obstacles in the way. I can't look ahead and see the good. My future is uncertain. I thought I knew what I was going to do with my life and now I'm suddenly not so sure anymore. All I really want to do is go to sleep and forget about everything and everyone. I don't want to do anything anymore. I know that isn't healthy at all. I should want to get out there and do stuff, but I just can't even bring myself to want to. I hate it. I hate feeling like this and there is just no explanation to it at all. Maybe this is the depression speaking. I don't know. Maybe that would explain the deep and eternal empty sadness I feel right now. It is almost as if I am just going through the motions; alive but not really living.

Maybe the quote I started with is true. Maybe the reason I just feel so alone and lost is that I have no idea what to do with myself when I have nothing to do. I catch myself thinking about things that I shouldn't be thinking about. It's as if I just think myself into this abyss with no way out.

I read my friend Abby's blog and see just how happy she is, and I am so happy for her and with everything she is doing with her life. But looking at her and seeing her so happy makes me take that step back and I wonder how she can be so happy and I can be so unhappy. Shouldn't I be as happy as her? I think I should, but for some reason I just can't allow myself to be. It's like there is a wall between me and that happiness. I hate it. I just wish I could find a way around it or over it or under it, or even through it. It's just tempting me and it's driving me insane.

Tomorrow I get observed yet again but my university supervisor. I am nervous. I hate being watched like this all the time. I hate it. There are just so many eyes watching me and all of my faults and flaws and mistakes. I know I learn from them all but it's just so much pressure for one person to be under at one time. I have four days left and then it's break for a week and there is only five weeks left. I can do it. I have to do it. I have to make it and then I can sleep all summer and concentrate on the gym and getting myself into super shape for Myrtle Beach in August. How I wish it was May right now...

~Dragon Eyes~

Easter

Easter was good all around for me. The Easter Bunny gave me more chocolate than I know what to do with currently as well as some lovely cooking magazines, some books, a DVD and the Sims 3. Oh, how I have missed playing the Sims! Unfortunately I won't be playing much of it this coming week due to student teaching and such but I will have plenty of time to do so next week on my April Break. Let's just say that I need this break BIG TIME! I am so burned out that it's awful to behold. I also ended up talking to Alex Moura a bunch today as well. I really do enjoy talking to him and we have been doing more so lately. I am glad that I have someone in my life who always knows the right thing to say to me when I am feeling down.

Unfortunately all good things must come to an end and I had to leave the safety and comfort of my home and family and come back to Eastern. I don't know what it is, but every time I come back I feel as if a small part of me dies. I can't even describe the feeling, but it just isn't a happy one. I struggle to keep it together and make it to school and go through the typical motions and such just to keep on going. It's so hard. I don't know why it is so hard, but I just find that getting up the energy to do this day in and day out is getting harder. At least this week should be relatively simply. At least that is what I am hoping. I am teaching the renaissance and art from the time period Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday and Friday are bingo review days since the kids aren't going to want to do anything. I hope that works out well and then I have a week to do nothing except sleep, play the Sims, work on my student teaching portfolio and maybe plan for my lessons so that I won't have to do anything on the weekend before coming back to the last five weeks. That's the plan anyway.

I am also hoping to go to the movies with Kyle. The two of us are a goofy pair. Always being crazy and such. He's sort of like my other half or something. We went on a date once before last year, but have hung out with our usual group of people since then. I am very excited for it because who knows what can happen. We will just have to see.

Also I get my CAPS medication evaluation next Monday. I am hoping that whatever they stick me on helps me straighten everything out because I am just so tired of being sad all the time. Here's to hoping.

~Dragon Eyes~

Tequila = Happy Laura

Tequila makes me a very happy person. I never meant to get tipsy and such, but as always these things just kind of happen. I went out to eat Mexican food with my family since the relatives were up and decided that it would be a smart thing to drink a very strong margarita on an empty stomach. Needless to say I am a very very happy person right now. Which is a good thing because my family can drive me insane some times. Especially when my 11 year old cousin thinks its "cute" to send me the same message "i c u" 10 times. Twice in a row. So when you get 20 messages of the same thing, you are going to want to drink...A LOT.

It's nice to be home. I got home a lot earlier than I intended to since my roommate Ginger's alarm went off at 8:25am this morning. And since I was the only one left in my suite this morning, I got up, blared some music, got ready and then left. So I am tired right now but I am not really that surprised at being so.

Tomorrow is Easter and the "Easter Bunny" is coming to make his stop at my house and leave candy and gifts, which I am very much looking forward to actually. How I love those Cadbury Creme eggs!!! It's the only time I get them!

Well, that's really all I got for right now. Probably due to the fact that I am feeling very happy with all my tequila! Tomorrow should be a low key day and then it is back to the grind for a week before I get to have my April break! And then it is only five weeks after that and then it's all over and I can spend the summer sleeping and going to the gym to lose all of the weight that I feel like I have gained this semester.

~Dragon Eyes~

The New Do

"Cut my hair cuz it reminded me of you
I know you like the long do
had to switch my attitude up."
~Kristina Debarge - Goodbye~

"I look so good without you
got me a new hair do
lookin' fresh and brand new."
~Jessie James - I Look So Good Without You~

Well I finally did it. I got my hair cut shorter and put in some red highlights. I didn't cut off as much hair as I first intended to. I was going to cut a whole bunch off and have it at my shoulders, but I decided against it because I really really like my long hair. So I chopped off about 2 and a half inches instead. Then it was time for the highlighting. I had like twelve different reds to pick from and in the end we ended up taking two different types of red and mixing them half and half. We didn't highlight my entire head, but we alternated with thicker and thinner chunks of red. I was a little nervous about the whole thing because I had no idea what to expect, but in the end it turned out amazing. I looked in the mirror and loved my hair and loved the girl staring back at me. Sure, that could change tomorrow, but for right now I am happy. I have always wanted red highlights and now that I have them I feel like I have fulfilled something huge in my life. My mother is none too pleased with me right now, but I don't care. This is my hair and I am going to do what I want with it.



The other big reason I changed my hair up like this was because both Andrew and Mike loved the long, curly blond hair. And part of the reason that I re-permed it in the first place was because Mike really liked it and wanted me to do it. When I look in the mirror and see that curly hair I see Mike and Andrew and right now I want to see neither. I want to be me. I want to be someone I want to be. I look at my new hair and see someone fresh and brand new. Someone fierce. I want people to look at me and see someone who is serious and smart and not just the usual dumb blond. So far everyone who has seen my hair really likes it. It's interesting to see it quite a bit darker than usual, but it's one of those things that is going to take some getting used to.





Last night was all sorts of fun. I went out with Jeanette, Kristen and Ashlee. We had a great time at Blarney's and just kind of kicked back and had a good time with everyone else we knew. Alex was there just like he said he was and it was awesome to hang out and talk with him a bunch again. Eric was also there. Now things are interesting with him. He told Reeni a while back that he thought I was hot and stuff and we hung out and he made it pretty clear that he liked me, but I wasn't sure how I felt. Well, I am thinking it's kind of happening again, but who knows. He chatted with me and such a whole bunch. I haven't really talked to him one on one in a long time. Eventually we ended up leaving because Ashlee was getting majorly creeped on by some guy. Alex caught up to us as we were leaving and I gave him a hug and such. There is just something about that kid that makes me feel safe and comfortable. I know he cares a lot about me and such and I know that he would do anything to help me.

Today wasn't super exciting. Kristen was uber sick from last night so I kind of watched television all day before eventually rolling home to get my hair done. Remember how I mentioned a couple posts ago that Mike and I were supposed to be drinking yesterday? Well the little jerk ran for home without so much as a word to me. I'm so glad I have friends who want to hang out with me. Because he clearly doesn't care at all if he hangs out with me or not. He's probably shacked up with some bimbo somewhere as always. Whatever. I am better off without him.

Tonight is going to be boring. I am at work until 1am and there is no one here on campus. At least I am working with Bethany. It makes everything that much better.

~Dragon Eyes~