Drowning

I feel like I am crumbling and cannot hold on. I watch the minutes tick by and as the end of work nears so does the end of my vacation. I am terrified for tomorrow. I don't want to go back and feel like I can't continue. I feel almost as if I am drowning in my own depression and I just can't seem to pull myself back up. I don't want to give in to it. That wouldn't help me or anyone else. It would just make matters worse. I hate constantly updating my blog like this but I feel like if I don't tell someone then I won't make it. Even thought I am really not telling anyone, writing it down does seem to help. I know there are people we are going to read this and in that way I am talking to someone. I just feel like it is getting harder and harder for me to hold back the tears and hold it all together. I know I can fall apart and cry myself to sleep back at my room, but there are just some times when I wish I could allow myself to cry in front of someone and actually let someone try and help me. Bu that isn't my style I guess. I see tears as a weakness. And I don't want other people to look at me and see that I am weak. Because that is what I am: weak. I look in the mirror and all I see is weakness staring back at me. I don't know how I am ever going to make it out in the real world. I can't even survive student teaching without mentally losing it. How am I going to survive a real job?

I wish there was someone out there who would hold me and not let me go. Hold me and whisper in my ear that everything is going to be okay and that I am not alone. But I am alone. I feel like there is no one. I know that that is not true because I chatted with my friend Jaci from home and she assured me I wasn't alone. But I can't shake the feeling that I am. I guess I am going to try and read my book a little bit before work ends and I can escape to my room and cry myself to sleep which I find I do quite a bit. Last semester I cried myself to sleep because of my back. This semester I cry myself to sleep for more reasons than I even understand. I wish I didn't have to cry myself to sleep. It just makes me feel even worse in some ways, but better in others.

~Dragon Eyes~