How Do We Keep Ourselves Going?

Life is rough. There is no denying that. Life has the tendency to throw some of the nastiest things in your direction. Just when we believe that things can't get much worse, they somehow manage to. I see this happen all the time. Especially this semester. I have had some of the worst luck and some of the worst stuff has happened as well. I just want this entire semester to be over so that I can move on and do something that I want to do in life.

While not having to go to school I find myself back to dwelling on all sorts of things yet again. I look to Monday and cringe. I am so through with teaching. It is something I don't want to do anymore. I just want to be done with it for good and never return. Once was enough for me. My teacher says I need to learn how to engage students more. I am trying. I really am. They just don't care. He told me to try more group activities but they have all been fiascoes. Some of them have worked out okay but the kids don't take them seriously for me. There is only so much I can do with that. Also my teacher tells me to do all of these group activities, but when I was observing him at the beginning, he did none of this stuff. Ugh. I don't get what anyone wants from me anymore. Nothing is ever good enough for people. I want to be good, but no matter what I do I can't. I hate it. I have to teach the French Revolution on Monday and I have some activities but I haven't even thought of anything else. I don't know what I am going to do. Four weeks left seems like an eternity. Just when I think I might be able to make it, I discover that I don't think I can. I have to talk to my teacher because he is supposed to be phasing back in at some point but I don't know how he wants to do that and when he wants to start doing that. If he does start taking classes back over I am going to see if I can go observe other teachers teaching and see what they do. One, it will give me different experiences with other teachers and their styles, and two, it will keep me from being absolutely bored to death. I will have to talk to him this coming week and see what we can do. I am hoping by the last week I will have either one or two classes or none at all. That will make me feel so much better if I can go to school and observe again.

I took Praxis II this morning in Naugatuck. Let's just say I think I probably failed it once again. Honestly the test is a piece of crap. All it is doing is training us how to be good at jeopardy. I could honestly care less now that I don't want to be a teacher anymore, but I have to take it because my parents want me to get my certificate. Ugh. Seems like a waste of time and money in my book right now. I probably failed it again. After the fifth time taking it and failing it is when I will stop. There is only so much one person can put themselves through with all of this after a while.

May 2 is my best friend's birthday. She is trying to get a group of us together to celebrate like we do every year. I am super excited because I absolutely love Jocelyn and this also gives me an excuse to be happy and relax and just have a good time. I just hope her allergies aren't terrible this year for her birthday. If I could, I would give her the birthday present of banishing her allergies forever. I think she would love that one. If only if only.

Work has gone by quite fast tonight. Probably for two different reasons. One of them is the fact that tomorrow is Sunday and that means school will be getting even closer. The other reason it went so fast was because James let me borrow Avatar. OH. MY. GOD. IT WAS INCREDIBLE!! I have never seen a more breathtaking movie before! It just drew me in a held me absolutely enthralled and on the edge of my seat here. It was such an amazing ride. I didn't want it to end. I am definitely going to have to get this movie and add it to my collection. This one I cannot pass up!

The other thing that got me thinking this weekend and today has been something completely different from student teaching and school. It has been about a certain person. It has been about Mike. I swear. I don't know what's wrong with my half the time. There is part of my that longs for him and is dying for him. It's like it needs contact with him to survive. And then there is the other half which is firm and steadfast and refuses to give in. Refuses to let me initiate contact with him and tells me that I am so much better without him. It is hard though. The only analogy I can come up with is that he is a drug. He is a powerful, addictive drug, and I am an addict. I am addicted to him and everything about him. After watching lots and lots of Celebrity Rehab and Sober House, I can see this tie even more. It's a disease. And that's what he is. He is a drug and a disease to me and he only hurts me instead of helps me. That's what I keep trying to tell myself over and over again. Unfortunately, like any addict, I try to slip back to him; fall back into old habits. I know I can't do that. I know it will only hurt me more in the end. But there is something that won't let me let him go. I need him. My heart is broken over him. I want him in my life. It's like that song. The song by Lady Antebellum:

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

That is what it feels like. This song calls out and grabs me harder than any other song I know of right now. I hear it on the radio, or itunes or my ipod and all I can think of is Mike and his face and his voice and all of those good memories we have had together. I don't want to lose those or forget those because he has been a huge part of my life. It's just hard because he crosses my mind all the time and deep down I wonder if I ever cross his. I don't know the answer to that one, but I am sure he looks at my away messages and facebook statuses. But there is no way to know that. My heart is broken over it all, and I think it will still be something I think about for a long time to come. Maybe one day we will talk again. Or we will just follow our separate paths and never meet again. I hope it isn't the latter one. But for now I just have to find something to keep myself going day after day. It is so hard, but it's something I just have to do I guess. There isn't anything else to do except soldier on and hope for the best with everything.

~Dragon Eyes~