As The Days Pass By

"People who are lonely are those that do not know what to do with the time when they are alone."
~Quentin Crisp~

The days pass by one by one; little by little. For some reason I find the passing of the days excruciating. They just seem to go too slowly, and when I look ahead at the next day all I can focus on are the road blocks and obstacles in the way. I can't look ahead and see the good. My future is uncertain. I thought I knew what I was going to do with my life and now I'm suddenly not so sure anymore. All I really want to do is go to sleep and forget about everything and everyone. I don't want to do anything anymore. I know that isn't healthy at all. I should want to get out there and do stuff, but I just can't even bring myself to want to. I hate it. I hate feeling like this and there is just no explanation to it at all. Maybe this is the depression speaking. I don't know. Maybe that would explain the deep and eternal empty sadness I feel right now. It is almost as if I am just going through the motions; alive but not really living.

Maybe the quote I started with is true. Maybe the reason I just feel so alone and lost is that I have no idea what to do with myself when I have nothing to do. I catch myself thinking about things that I shouldn't be thinking about. It's as if I just think myself into this abyss with no way out.

I read my friend Abby's blog and see just how happy she is, and I am so happy for her and with everything she is doing with her life. But looking at her and seeing her so happy makes me take that step back and I wonder how she can be so happy and I can be so unhappy. Shouldn't I be as happy as her? I think I should, but for some reason I just can't allow myself to be. It's like there is a wall between me and that happiness. I hate it. I just wish I could find a way around it or over it or under it, or even through it. It's just tempting me and it's driving me insane.

Tomorrow I get observed yet again but my university supervisor. I am nervous. I hate being watched like this all the time. I hate it. There are just so many eyes watching me and all of my faults and flaws and mistakes. I know I learn from them all but it's just so much pressure for one person to be under at one time. I have four days left and then it's break for a week and there is only five weeks left. I can do it. I have to do it. I have to make it and then I can sleep all summer and concentrate on the gym and getting myself into super shape for Myrtle Beach in August. How I wish it was May right now...

~Dragon Eyes~