When Life Give You Lemons, Throw Them at People

I am officially ready to be done with this entire week from hell. I just feel like I have been once again going nonstop. Between training and working out at Gold's, traveling and getting trained to work at Fitness Together in Avon and now going to look at another place that wants to give me a job....I am dead. I go to bed at night and dread waking up early and having to face the days that I know are long and tedious. I barely have time to sit and do nothing at home. I finish with the gyms and then its the barn at 8pm at night then its home for dinner and a shower. By the time I sit down it's time for bed again. And then it all starts over once again. It's an awful, vicious cycle.

Sadly, this is the life of an average trainer.

On a happier note, my car which was driving not so good yesteray where I thought somthing major broke on it, seems to be back to normal. I just have to keep an eye on it and see it if it does it again.

~Dragon Eyes~

If I Get Another Job I Would Probably Die

Now I have two training jobs. And now I am going to have absolutely no life. And the craziness about everything is that I got offered a third job as well by a friend from school. I seriously don't think I could afford to take a third job without losing my mind. Then I would really have no life and I would probably lose my own time to work out and such. That to me isn't a good thing. Jeff says I should look into it. I can, but I really don't think I could afford to take it. That would just be overkill for me, but then again I have heard of people doing it before. I guess when it rains it pours.

I have felt listless and strange the last few days. I think I am overwhelmed. I just feel like there is so much going on and I am being torn in a million directions and I just don't know what to do. I think I really need a vacation or something. The thing is I know I can do everything that I have put on my plate. The question is, what am I sacrificing for it? Am I sacrificing myself? My social life? My friends? My non-existent love life? I have a feeling all of that is true. It's almost a disheartening feeling to be a slave to money and to work and the government and everything else that makes this world keep going forward.

Jeff tells me to take it one step at a time and not pass up an opportunity. I just don't know whether I can do it or not.

~Dragon Eyes~

Early Morning Ramblings of a Sleepy Trainer

I never did get around to blogging anything last night. I had every intention of doing so and then I lost my internet connection. That was the end of that.

There are moments when I wonder if I am doing the right things and going in the right directions. Last night was one of those moments. I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was idly sitting and watching the world and my life just pass me by. Can I ever be as happy and fullfilled as everyone else in the world? Sometimes I wonder if that is even possible. Jeff tells me over and over that he wants me to be happy and that I deserve the best. But will I ever be happy; completely and incandescently happy? Or is everything I am trying to do now, just covering up the fake that I am not truly happy. Sure, I smile and laugh, but it's an empty thing most of the time. Just going through the motions.

This probably all started with Danny the bodybuilder hitting on me again. I was sitting in the office at work, like I am doing now, reading my Kindle when he randomly walks up and says hi to me. We chat for a few minutes, and then he bids me goodbye, that he will see me tomorrow, and leaves. I know that he hit on me. It's not a question. And I can't say I don't like the attention. I crave to be noticed and loved by someone. There can be nothing be me and Danny. He is the tpe of guy who hits on every girl that walks by, and there are others supposedly out there waiting for me. I told Jeff, just because I thought he could share in my amusement about how I turned a big, brave bodybuilder into a nervous flirt, but he immediately questioned whether I liked Danny or not. He's a nice guy and all, but I couldn't see myself with him. Then Jeff asked the question of the century.

Do I block you from dating and seeing other men?

There are just some days I don't know how to answer that. Does he? I would like to say he doesn't. He's married and someone that will never be obtainable to me. Why should I wait for him? And the answer is I don't. I don't wait for him. I look towards other men. But as I have said time and time again, there are no good ones left in the world for nice girls like me. They are either taken or gay, and the rest are just asses and pigs who want me for my body, not for my personaliy and fire that drives me onward.

Enough for now. I am going to go run and workout since Jeff isn't going to be here today since his daughter is in the hospital with complications from her simple foot surgery. Today is Fitness Together in Avon. I cannot wait to get myself going with them and make some money and prove to myself and everyone else that I can and will succed.

~Dragon Eyes~

The Hunger Games in 24 Hours

Yes. I am the addict who started and finished the Hunger Games in a little over twenty four hours. This is what happens when I get obsessive and have the whole weekend to sit and concentrate on it. It was really really good and it read very fast so now all I have to do is wait for the movie to come out and then my life will be complete.

Tomorrow it is back to the usual hectic week where I pretty much have no life aside from work, working out and trying to fit in seeing my horses. It's not easy, but it has to be done and I am the best one for the job. It's just going to be a long week, but at least I am going into it fully rested and ready for anything. Thank goodness for restful, lazy weekends.

Sean texted me this evening. I was actually kind of shocked that he was contacting me. I figured I wouldn't hear from him for at least a while. No, I was wrong. I usually am when it comes to men, though. He was like I guess this means you aren't gonna come to any of my hockey games. And here is me sitting here and going, did you seriously think after all of this that I would? And then he was like I am not gonna talk for a while and we both made good points the last few times we talked and that there was something I said that still surprised him or something along those lines and that was it. Oh well. I really don't care what I said that didn't sit well with him. Whatever. He is not worth my time. And probably not worth many other girls times either. His loss not mine.

Well, I am back to editing the website that Jeff and I are working on. I have to go and write my bio. I always feel like I am bragging or something when I write those things. Oh well. Sometimes it's okay to brag about yourself a little bit.

~Dragon Eyes~

Lazy Snow Days

It is almost the end of January and we have finally had the first real snow storm of the season. We have had a couple of inches fall here and there, but this was the first major one. It's just really nice to sit at home in my pajamas and do absolutely nothing except watch movies. It is also a welcome relief to do nothing after pretty much going non stop for the last two weeks. I am seriously amazed I made it through the entire week. I had a long week of work, followed by the relatives coming to visit last weekend (and my Aunt Karen doesn't understand the concept of sleeping late and doing nothing), followed by another very long week of work. Yay for being a trainer with early mornings and late nights. It's also going to be worse since I am pretty sure I am going to end up with a second trainer job with Fitness Together in Avon. Yup. No one is ever going to see me. At least I will be focusing on my career. That's important to me right now.

Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing. My brain sits there and questions it all the time but my heart tells me this is what I want to do and what I love to do. Other things might have to take a back seat for a while, but I know in the end it is all going to be worth it. I am going to make money and I am going to succeed at this. I will work hard and I will eventually get my own place and I will be able to support myself. These are super important things to me and I know I can do them. I am going to prove to everyone that thought I would never make it wrong. I am going to show that a personal trainer can be just as successful as someone else, like a teacher.

There are many things that must be discussed because I have been slacking, but there are many things wandering around on my mind that I feel I must put down in writing in order to feel just a little bit better.

Right now I am pretty sure Sean and I are done for good. It's better this way, though. I really can't deal with someone who is needy and clingy like he is. It was just too much and I run the other direction when someone clings to me and wants to be with me every second of every day. Those weren't the only flaws. We hadn't even declared anything official and he wanted to buy me expensive things and take me on expensive trips. That's like six months of being an item. Not just casual dating. He was like well my friend did it to a girl he just met and they have been together forever. That's nice and all, but I am not that girl. I am not like other girls. I have higher expectations and I like to be on my own. I don't need someone else in my life to make me happy like that. Besides I have no time. He also wasn't a very good kisser and even though this is going to sound horrible, he was not attractive enough to tempt me. Yeah....that's horrible but I wouldn't be honest otherwise. And then last night after he keeps pestering me over and over about hanging out and trying again I was like no. We can never be anything more than friends and then he got weird and testy with me. And then starting making comments that made me feel like all I was to him was a piece of ass. Yup. Over. Done with.

The other thing that has gotten to me a little bit is finding out real friends from those that are just pretending to be your friend. It hurts a bit to find out who is who but it is better in the long run. I know I have just a few really close friends, but you don't need many to make you happy. I have Jocelyn, Kelly, Molly, Brian, Amanda, and Jeff of course as well as Chino. After that everyone is just a here and there friend. I think the hardest ones to lose have been Reeni and Jeanette. Things changed between us since senior year of college and going out into the world. We all have jobs. They have higher paying ones than me. But that's not the only thing. They cannot understand my love for health and fitness. I can't drink every day or even every weekend. That's terrible for you and it is against all the things I am trying to achieve with my body. All they care about is alcohol. I don't understand it. Jeanette became a different person. Reeni not so much, but Jeanette definitely changed. It's hard to see it, but I look at her now and go is this someone I want to be see and/or associated with? How is she going to make me look when I am with others? I already know that answer. She can be a major bitch and she doesn't care who she pisses off. And then there is the fact that there is no way in hell that she can let me have the spotlight or get the attention. Every time that happens she finds a way to make it come back to her. And then I am pushed aside. I have let her do that to me for so long. No longer. I am my own woman and I am tough and going to prove that I will not take a backseat to her. This is a big step for me. I know for a fact that I am going to go places. I am going to one day find someone that is special to me. I have my doubts that they will. Reeni might. But even that isn't set in stone. Jeanette never will. It's just her attitude and personality. It sucks. All she cares about it sex. And whenever she gets it she says it isn't good. Maybe you are the one who isn't good. They will become alcoholics in their apartment that they are going to get together and that will be the end. Their lives will go nowhere.

As for me, I will not be like them. I will have an awesome, healthy career, I will hopefully find a nice man, I will not be an alcoholic, and I will hopefully be getting fitness books published and on the market with Jeff. Now that would be the coolest thing ever. I have always wanted to be published and hopefully it will happen.

Alright. There is my rant for the day. I do feel better putting my thoughts and anger into words. It allows me to look at it all in a better perspective and it allows me to talk to myself and make myself feel like a stronger, better person. And I like that a lot.

~Dragon Eyes~