Bittersweet Climbing

Tonight was probably the last night of climbing with Molly before she departs for New Zealand on Tuesday. It was fun, but at the same time it was hard. She was the one who took me to climbing a while back for the very first time and it soon became a weekly tradition that we would go climb and then go out to dinner. It lasted for a long time, and now the group is splintering. It will soon be down to me and Kelly. It will be fun, but her presence will be missed.

Goodbyes are hard and they make me sad. I hope I will be able to see her one more time before she leaves. Just one more visit and one more goodbye and then she will be gone. And it will be weird, but life has to go on.

I better go before I start really crying again like I did last night. I don't need anymore tears and sadness even though I still feel sad and miserable.

One good thing, though. Sean left me alone tonight. Last night he bugged the hell out of me with trying to persuade me that we should be together. Yeah. One more reason why we are SO not right for each other. Hopefully he will leave me alone for a while. He'll probably talk to me tomorrow. Bleck.

~Dragon Eyes~

A Broken Girl

Its hard to look into the mirror and see an unhappy person staring back. No matter how happy she may look on the outside, the eyes can never lie. They show the true depth of pain and sadness, the true nature of the beast. It's awful to see, but it's even more so when you know it's there but have no idea how to fix it, how to reverse the damage that has been done.

When things get rough I put myself away from others. I try to sort it out on my own. No body else needs to see the real person beneath the make up and the happy, bubbly exterior. Everyone is busy with their own problems. They don't need to deal with mine on top of everything else. So I turn here. I turn to the one place I feel like I can put my feelings down on to paper and not be judged. I have always found freedom through my writing and this is the outlet that gives me a little relief. It's not enough, but it's better than nothing.

I look at myself in the mirror and I see a broken person. I see someone who can't love herself, or anyone else. Who doesn't allow anyone to love her. As soon as someone gets to close she pushes them away for fear they will one day glimpse the real person and turn away in revulsion. I see a girl with no confidence. A girl who will never amount to anything or let herself amount to anything. Too many people have told her throughout her life that she will never be special, will never be as good as everyone else. Her opinions are wrong and don't matter. Every word that comes out of her mouth is unintelligent and not to be heeded. She is someone who can just be easily cast aside because there will always be someone out there who is better than she is.

I don't like this person and I don't know how this person can ever be turned into something worthwhile and special. She will forever be trapped and haunted by the demons of the past and they will make sure she never moves forward.

This is a girl who is afraid of failure and afraid of disappointment. She is afraid to take risks and believe she is the best at what she is, because there will always be someone better. She will be mediocre at best.

That's all she is. A broken girl. A broken girl who refuses to let anyone help. Who just can't convey to anyone else these feelings. Even her closest friends. How can she let them see her like this? The answer is she can't. She just has to swallow all of it and keep going like there is nothing wrong. She just has to.

~Dragon Eyes~

1000 Years

"Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years. I'll love you for a thousand more."

~Christina Perri~

It was a bittersweet night in a lot of ways. Getting together with friends and celebrating a happy occasion but also a sad one. After years and years it's hard to say goodbye to a best friend. It's hard to have them start a new chapter of their life half a world away. I have known Molly since high school and she has been such an amazing friend to me. It's the hardest thing in the world to say goodbye to her and watch her leave my life for two years as she goes to New Zealand for grad school. There will be millions of ways to communicate with her, but her presence will be gone and that is the hardest thing to digest. I know she will have an amazing time down there, but it is just so hard to say goodbye.

The gifts were the worst. We gave her little things to take with her to New Zealand as well as many long books inside of our cards. It was heart wrenching to see my best friend fight her hardest and lose at trying not to cry. Trying to be strong and happy. She is so excited to go, but I know at the same time she is terrified and saddened to leave all of us behind. Her best friends, her family and her new boy.

My heart is heavy as I head to bed, but I will see her soon and want to spend as much time as I can with her before the 14th comes and she takes off on her new adventure. A new chapter in her life.

~Dragon Eyes~

I Am My Own Therapist and a Terrible One at That!

There are things that rattle us to the bone. Things we fear in the night. We are left wondering what that bump in the night was. Just our imagination, or something sinister, waiting until we let our guards down before seizing us and dragging us away into the darkness? The feeling of being watched; of something stalking our every move. We try to reason with ourselves, placate our rattled nerves. It was nothing. Nothing is there. But is that really the truth? Or is there really something there, waiting, watching?

These are thoughts that have been evoked from watching two different trailers of The Woman in Black. Let's just say it gave me goosebumps in less than two minutes. I love and hate to be scared. It's some sort of sick thrill to watch a movie and be scared out of my mind. But if I was the main character in the movie being chased or terrified, I would like it much much less. I really need to go see the movie and I am hoping that my sister will want to go see it with me next weekend. I don't care what kind of reviews it gets. I want to go see it.

Today has been decent. I trained four clients, so that a little money I got. Then I worked out by myself since Jeff was feeling really sick. My back is feeling better than yesterday. My hip I can't say the same. It's still stiff and sore. And on top of all of that I ended up pulling something in either my right glute or the very top of my right hamstring doing lunges. Stupid lunges. I have had a lot of tightness in my glute for stretching and other things ever since my hip acted up big time. I guess the strain was finally too much and it was like forget it. It doesn't hurt too bad right now, but I have also been sitting. I am hoping it was just a small pull and by tomorrow will be back to normal. Knowing my luck, that won't happen.

Today something drew me to music and I picked up my violin for the first time in at least two years. I was very rusty and the violin very out of tune, but once I got going I remembered much more than I thought I would. There was something soothing and relaxing about just sitting on my floor and letting myself get lost in the thing that had been my life from elementary school all the way through high school. It brought back memories I hadn't thought of in so many years. Good ones and bad ones, but mostly good. I thought of friends and concerts, and various performances. I thought of all the drama and the crazy people that had become a part of my life. It instilled in me a feeling of calm that I had no felt in a long time. No matter what happens in life, you can always turn to your music, can always lose yourself in it.

Jeff's daughter randomly texted me today. I have no idea how she got my number, but she questioned me about the relationship between me and her step dad. I told her the truth. We are just friends and that's it. We care for each other and respect each other. I told her how I liked her family and would never do anything to change their happiness. I know damn well what lines can never be crossed. She seemed to accept it, but it took some convincing. We made a promise to pretend the texting never happened. I will do that because I know Jeff will get pissed at her for it, but as she told me, she needed to know herself. She needed to know from the person she feared would ruin her family. I could never do that. I am not that type of person, but I won't lie. I do feel hurt. I feel like I suddenly am a homewrecker and all of the awful things people have accused me of over the years. It's an awful crushing feeling. The only person I feel I can fully discuss those feelings with are Jeff, but how can I do that without telling him what happened? Without putting the trust of his step daughter in jeopardy? I can't. I am just going to have to tell him we need to lay off because people are getting suspicious and hope he doesn't press further. What am I thinking, of course he is going to press. And when I won't give it to him he is going to suspect. He is going to know. And he is going to take it out on Sam. That's not fair to her. She had a right to know and who better to ask than me? Her step dad is just going to brush it off and go no. I am at least going to stop and explain why we work out together. That we text each other all the time over his website and the new business he is opening. That's all true. It wasn't a lie. I just didn't tell her the whole truth. I omitted things that she couldn't know about.

I just really hate being stuck in the middle of everything and being blamed and accused of things that aren't true. It's upsetting to me and I feel like garbage, like I'm the lowest being on the face of the earth. This is why I am writing here. I feel safe here. I feel I can voice my feelings and talk to myself and make them right in my head. It's not a lot, but it's something that helps me cope with the feelings and worries that I can't share with anyone else. I am like my own little therapist. Sometimes I wish my therapist would actually give me some real advice instead of just talking around in circles in a effort to feel better...

~Dragon Eyes~