These are thoughts that have been evoked from watching two different trailers of The Woman in Black. Let's just say it gave me goosebumps in less than two minutes. I love and hate to be scared. It's some sort of sick thrill to watch a movie and be scared out of my mind. But if I was the main character in the movie being chased or terrified, I would like it much much less. I really need to go see the movie and I am hoping that my sister will want to go see it with me next weekend. I don't care what kind of reviews it gets. I want to go see it.
Today has been decent. I trained four clients, so that a little money I got. Then I worked out by myself since Jeff was feeling really sick. My back is feeling better than yesterday. My hip I can't say the same. It's still stiff and sore. And on top of all of that I ended up pulling something in either my right glute or the very top of my right hamstring doing lunges. Stupid lunges. I have had a lot of tightness in my glute for stretching and other things ever since my hip acted up big time. I guess the strain was finally too much and it was like forget it. It doesn't hurt too bad right now, but I have also been sitting. I am hoping it was just a small pull and by tomorrow will be back to normal. Knowing my luck, that won't happen.
Today something drew me to music and I picked up my violin for the first time in at least two years. I was very rusty and the violin very out of tune, but once I got going I remembered much more than I thought I would. There was something soothing and relaxing about just sitting on my floor and letting myself get lost in the thing that had been my life from elementary school all the way through high school. It brought back memories I hadn't thought of in so many years. Good ones and bad ones, but mostly good. I thought of friends and concerts, and various performances. I thought of all the drama and the crazy people that had become a part of my life. It instilled in me a feeling of calm that I had no felt in a long time. No matter what happens in life, you can always turn to your music, can always lose yourself in it.
Jeff's daughter randomly texted me today. I have no idea how she got my number, but she questioned me about the relationship between me and her step dad. I told her the truth. We are just friends and that's it. We care for each other and respect each other. I told her how I liked her family and would never do anything to change their happiness. I know damn well what lines can never be crossed. She seemed to accept it, but it took some convincing. We made a promise to pretend the texting never happened. I will do that because I know Jeff will get pissed at her for it, but as she told me, she needed to know herself. She needed to know from the person she feared would ruin her family. I could never do that. I am not that type of person, but I won't lie. I do feel hurt. I feel like I suddenly am a homewrecker and all of the awful things people have accused me of over the years. It's an awful crushing feeling. The only person I feel I can fully discuss those feelings with are Jeff, but how can I do that without telling him what happened? Without putting the trust of his step daughter in jeopardy? I can't. I am just going to have to tell him we need to lay off because people are getting suspicious and hope he doesn't press further. What am I thinking, of course he is going to press. And when I won't give it to him he is going to suspect. He is going to know. And he is going to take it out on Sam. That's not fair to her. She had a right to know and who better to ask than me? Her step dad is just going to brush it off and go no. I am at least going to stop and explain why we work out together. That we text each other all the time over his website and the new business he is opening. That's all true. It wasn't a lie. I just didn't tell her the whole truth. I omitted things that she couldn't know about.
I just really hate being stuck in the middle of everything and being blamed and accused of things that aren't true. It's upsetting to me and I feel like garbage, like I'm the lowest being on the face of the earth. This is why I am writing here. I feel safe here. I feel I can voice my feelings and talk to myself and make them right in my head. It's not a lot, but it's something that helps me cope with the feelings and worries that I can't share with anyone else. I am like my own little therapist. Sometimes I wish my therapist would actually give me some real advice instead of just talking around in circles in a effort to feel better...
~Dragon Eyes~
No comments:
Post a Comment