Evil Creepy Crawlies

Well, let's just say that this day did not go as I planned at all. I woke up this morning and was all ready for the half day and teaching and professional development. In the end I never ever made it to my school to do any of those things. I got railroaded when I was changing and getting ready in the morning. Some unknown little creepy crawler decided that my slipper was a great place to make its home and found my foot to be a very unwelcome guest. So it decided to bite me at the base of my little toe on my right foot. Now I had absolutely no idea what had happened and thought nothing of it. That was until I went to put on my socks right before I left. I looked down and discovered that my small toe was swollen. That's when I wondered if I had been bitten by something. I hoped that wasn't the case, and if it was, I hoped it wasn't poisonous. So I slipped on my sneakers and walked to my car and left for school. I didn't get very far when I realized that my foot felt funny and when I got to a light at the end of the route 6 highway I discovered that my foot and my ankle was swollen. Uh oh. So I called my dad in a panic and ended up turning for home. I then emailed everyone I needed to email and called my school and let then know I was having a problem. I then followed my dad's advice, put ice on my toe, elevated my leg and went back to sleep.

I woke up around 10am, made an appointment with health services and then called my mom, who had no idea any of this had happened because my dad doesn't believe in leaving notes for anyone. Go figure. Well I talked to her for a bit then ended up watching the Dark Knight with Jeanette because once again she didn't have school because of flooding. That was all sorts of fun. I eventually went to health services where they had no idea what happened to me and weren't sure if it was a bite at all even though I think and feel like my foot is still swollen. It doesn't feel right, that's for sure. So who knows. The rest of the day was spent hanging around, going to get ice cream with Ali and Stephanie at Friendly's and then going to class.

Tonight I went and grabbed dinner with Kevin in the student center. Kevin was a resident in Crandall last year. He's a big sweetheart and a fun person to be around; not to mention cute. But we went and grabbed some dinner and caught up and what was going on in our lives. It was nice to get away from everything and everyone and hang out with someone new and different. Honestly, out of the three years I have worked in Crandall I liked last year the best. Those were some of the best and most memorable residents ever. All in all it was low key and just a good time. It was nice to get away.

I have made a decision. And it's a big decision and I am so sticking to it this time. If I don't then I need to be yelled at. Tomorrow night I am supposed to be drinking with Mike. That isn't going to happen. If he is going to blow me off I am going to do the same thing to him. I am going to drink with Jeanette and my friend Kristen who is coming up and who I have not seen all semester because since she is a commuter she is on campus once a week for class on Mondays. We are probably going to go to the bar and meet up with Alex Moura as well. All in all a good time. I am not going to hang with Mike. Forget that. I don't need it and will probably have more fun with my friends than him. We are going to have to see how all of that goes, but I am not going to give in. I don't care what he says. This is twice he has bailed with no word to me at all and that is rude and disrespectful to me. I wonder if he is going to talk to me at all tomorrow. We will just have to wait and see what the day holds in store for me.

~Dragon Eyes~

Best Friends

It has been one seriously rainy day today. I don't think I've seen that much rain, or water at one time before. There was just so much! I wasn't sure if I was going to make it to my school since I have to travel through a lot of low lying areas and there are lots of rivers, brooks and streams I have to go by. Norwich ended up calling a state of emergency and Jeanette didn't have to go to school. I'm rather jealous about it all. I want a break! Oh well and it looks like she won't be having school again tomorrow, but I have a half day and professional development so the day shouldn't be too bad. At least that is what I am hoping for. I still have to teach, but that is in the morning and shouldn't be too bad.

Well, I thought all my plans for the evening had fallen through, but as always it seems I am surprised. I thought I wasn't going to be getting together with Alex tonight because dinner fell through. But just when I had written him off my phone is ringing and guess who: Alex! So the two of us are still getting together tonight. He is supposed to come by lowrise and get me and then we are going over the the student center to hang out and chat. I'm excited because Alex is just an amazing person all around and I am super glad that I get to hang with him.

Later: Hanging out with Alex was all sorts of fun. We went to the student center and just hung there and chatted about everything: life, Andrew, relationships, etc. I miss being able to sit down and talk with him all the time. It's really nice knowing that there is someone out there as nice as him and I am so thankful that he is one of my best friends. I feel like I can tell him things that I could not normally tell other people. I don't know but I just feel safe with him. We are going to try and get together more often this semester before it's graduation and we leave. I will miss him but I know we will still hang out and be great friends.

Mike was supposed to hang out with me tonight. Did that happen? No. And this time there is no sympathy. I might just tell him forget about drinking with me and go hang out with Jeanette and Kristen and Alex. Why not?

~Dragon Eyes~

Being Positive in a Negative World

I went to go type my entry for my blog and suddenly discovered a writer's worst nightmare: I completely forgot what I was going to write. I know I had something I wanted to say, but for some reason it seems to have slipped out of grasp and flown away on the windy, rainy weather. Oh well. It happens to everyone at some point in time, but lets see if I can get myself back on some sort of track.

The school day seemed to go by faster than normal for me. I am not really sure why, but I managed to teach my two classes and not completely botch anything up, though I did end about ten minutes early with my first class. The renaissance just doesn't hold my attention or interest for very long and there is only so much I have to say about it before I want to jump out of the window and run. Tomorrow will be my most difficult day out of the week. I hate 2 days. I teach three classes in a row and the only one I really enjoy teaching is the last one. The other two classes are just awful and this kids (while they mean well) are such little pains that all I want to do is kick them and ask them what the hell they are thinking. But I can't do that. I just have to do what I always do and keep on going. There is really nothing else I can do but hope for the best with all of that. The assistant principal is supposed to observe my first class and the one that I have the most problems with. I'm hoping his presence will keep the kids more in line and keep students from leaving in anger while calling everyone ignorant. Oh the joys of teaching and how I cannot wait for it to be done with.

I ran into my friend Sarah this afternoon when I was heading off to the gym. Apparently she is just as ready to be over and done with it as me and everyone else it seems. No body really seems to be having a good time with it. At least I feel like I am not alone with that, as well as teaching subjects that I know nothing about. That's one of the worst things, because I feel unprepared and I hate feeling that way.

Now I am sitting at work typing this. I have read over some more things about the renaissance and have some new stuff to add as well as give one of my classes a pre-assessment for my education portfolio I am supposed to be working on for my class. One more thing added to my list of things to do. I am just so ready to be over and done with so I can sleep my life away.

And I emailed Professor Stewart about grad schools and different career choices and she sent back her office hours. I am going to try and visit her on Wednesday and see if she can help me out at all with my future. Now my parents cannot say anything to me because I will have gone to talk to her. And hopefully something will come of all of that. I really hate feeling so lost and undecided. I think that is just the feeling I feel all of the time now. I will have to mention that in therapy. I keep trying to repeat Alex Moura's words in my head about positive attitudes, because they are what make all the difference in the world. It's hard and he told me that as well, but I just need to keep going and live every day to its fullest. I'm doing my best, but it's so hard to be positive in such a negative world.

~Dragon Eyes~

Yet Another Week

Yet another week has to start and needs to be completed in order to make it to the weekend where I get to see my relatives on Saturday and Sunday for Easter weekend and my therapy session and drinking with Mike on Thursday as well as grab dinner with Alex Moura on Tuesday and play 007 with Mike and grab some dinner with Kevin on Wednesday. I have a busy week. It will be a good kind of busy I hope. I hate having to be bored and find stuff to do.

It's just so hard to get up and get moving anymore. All I want is to be done, but it's not that simple. I am teaching my students about the renaissance and middle ages tomorrow. I know nothing about the Renaissance. This should be interesting. Ugh. I so badly want this to be over!

~Dragon Eyes~

The End of Spring Break

Spring break for Eastern is coming to a close and it is time for me to head back to school tomorrow and then commute to my clinical placement from there. I am not looking forward to it. I'm just so done with everything and want it to be summer so I can sleep and do nothing. I am so tired of everything. I don't even really want to be a teacher anymore and now I have no idea what I am going to do for the rest of my life. And that thought really scares and depresses me. These are also the moments when I feel like my depression is hard to control and hard to overcome. I just feel like the weight of the world is sitting on my shoulders and slowly crushing me underneath its weight. I think one of the only things I seem to look forward to is going and talking to my therapist on Thursdays. Between that and the gym, I somehow make it through the week. At least this is a 2 and a half day week for me that's coming up. Thank you professional development and Good Friday.

Otherwise today was good. I had a great lesson on my horse and celebrated my Mom's birthday by going out to Olive Garden. I exchanged friendly banter over a picture on facebook with Mike and received a message from my friend Kevin who I haven't talked to since last semester and who used to be a resident of Crandall last year. I will be sad going back to school tomorrow but then it is one week closer to my April break and I do miss all of my friends and really want to see them.

~Dragon Eyes~

What's My Future?

Today was the day that I discovered that I have absolutely no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life because I'm not so sure teaching is it. I mean its nice and all, but this semester of only 4 and a half months is so hard that I don't think I could make it for an entire school year. I just really don't think I could do it. But now that leaves the question of what I am going to do for the rest of my life. What could I possibly do with a history and social sciences major? I have no idea. I'm going to look at various grad schools and maybe find something to do and somewhere to go. I am also going to email Professor Stewart and see if there is a time I can meet with her and discuss it because Professor Frye, who is my adviser, doesn't advise. Ugh, I just don't know anymore.

I got to visit with my friend Kim today. I haven't seen her since she graduated last May and didn't realize how much I missed her until she was sitting in my room in lowrise and chatting with me about student teaching and graduating as well as boys and jobs. All in all it was a good time. I've missed her so much.

Tonight I went to the SHS Theater Production of Beauty and the Beast. They did an amazing job and it was a full house. I was really glad I went and watched the students perform at their very best.

I'm so glad it's the weekend. I need sleep like none other right now, and I'll probably be going to bed soon, right after Hot Fuzz ends. I do so love British humor. Next week is a crazy week and probably won't be too demanding on me and I can't wait to get back to the gym. I haven't gone all week and I swear I've gained weight. Now I have even more to lose. Ugh, how I wish I was skinny and didn't need to worry about all of that stuff. I just hope next week my Achilles tendon injury in my right foot goes away so I won't have to struggle. We will just have to see.

~Dragon Eyes~

Friends

"I get by with a little help from my friends."
~The Beatles~

I finally had my therapy session today and laid out everything about Andrew and the breakup as well as the fact that I'm just not happy and that I haven't been happy for a long time. We talked at length about everything and such. It was hard to tell someone that I wasn't happy and that I think I might be having a problem. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but it needed to be said and I'm glad that Suzanne was so understanding and accepting. She told me after listening to me she doesn't believe I am a mental case (after I called myself one). That also made me feel a little better. I also told her that in talking to my mom I discovered how many people on her side of the family have had some sort of mental illness or depression and that 5 out of 6 siblings died because of it all. Yeah. That's a lot. We also talked about medication and if I had ever considered it. The funny thing is that I never thought about it at all until last weekend when my sister and my friend Erica mentioned it. I scheduled an appointment with the nurse practitioner to get an evaluation and try something. It's not for another two weeks or so, but that's fine with me. I am a little worried about it all but I think it will be for the best. It has to do something and make me feel a little better.

While I was on facebook earlier this evening I received a chat message from Alex Moura. Since the whole breakup with Andrew I had been worried. Alex is one of my best friends. I have known him since freshman year of college where we both lived in Crandall and played pool until the two of us were blue in the face. I also have a crush on him for a couple of years. There is just something about that kid that I can't get over. But after the whole thing with Andrew I was hoping the two of us would still be on good terms. He has known Andrew since our freshman year as well and is very good friends with him as well. I was worried that Andrew would have gotten to him and turned him against me. When I got the message I was excited and worried at the same time.

It turned out that I was worried about nothing. Alex was curious about everything that had happened with me and Andrew and I filled him in on the whole thing. His reaction was the exact same as everyone else, including my roommate Keri who thought Andrew was a pussy about the whole thing. Alex felt that Andrew had overreacted and was really immature about the whole thing. He feels that it probably boiled down to experience and how Andrew has none. We also talked about the alcohol that was involved and even Alex had thought it was weird that Andrew drank constantly when I was there. He also didn't seem super thrilled when I told him how Andrew had gotten rough with me and I had decided enough was enough. He felt bad for me and we both laughed over relationships and how overrated they really are. As he put it, when you are single all you want to be is in a relationship, and then when you finally are in a relationship all you want to do is be single. I completely agree. The both of us have had issues with relationships and both decided that right now it's not worth it. I might be going to hang out with Alex in West Hartford this weekend. He felt we should have a nice face to face conversation and such. I'm down for it and hope that it works out and I do get to see him. He is one of my best friends and is like an older brother to me.

Tomorrow is Friday. I can do it and then I can sleep for the entire weekend!!

~Dragon Eyes~

These Are The Days

"Because these things will change, can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
It's a revolution, the time will come for us to finally win."
~Change by Taylor Swift~

The days pass by and the weather slowly changes. The warm weather is coming in to stay. The trees are beginning to bud and eventually they will bloom and allergy season will be once again upon us. In many ways I miss the cold, dark winter months, but at the same time I don't. I like the nice weather where I am not constantly freezing my buns off going to see my horse. That's never fun in the least! Change is coming.

Change is coming. In more ways that one. Sure, the weather is changing with the warmer climate, blooming trees and more light in the evenings, but that's not the only thing. I am changing as a person. It might not seem like a big deal but for me it is. I also tell people that change is good and that we need to keep life interesting. Unfortunately, when it comes to changing myself I am a bit of a hypocrite. I don't like change and frankly, I am afraid of change in any form.

Today I changed at school. I showed my students how assertive I am. I showed them that I am not willing to be pushed around and that I will not take anymore silliness and nonsense. I put my foot down hard and now the students in that one class no full well that I am the dominant authority in the classroom and not just a pretty face. It was a huge step for me. I am never assertive in front of my classes, but this time I had had enough and laid down the law. Even though my teacher wasn't there because he was on a field trip, I told him about it and he was really proud of me for actually doing it.

Tomorrow is my therapy session up at Eastern (finally). I have no idea what my therapist is going to do with me but all I can do is trust her and hope that she has some answers for me. I just have to be open with her and admit to her that I think I have some depression problems. It will be strange going up to school when no one is there but then again it might be nice to see no one. I am really anxious about going back to school, though. Well on Sunday night that is. I am afraid about what my roommates will think about me and Andrew and if he went bad mouthing me to them. I also wonder about my friend Alex. He has been my friend since freshmen year and has known Andrew for just as long. I don't want to lose him and I'm afraid that he might think poorly of me. I hope that isn't the case...

~Dragon Eyes~

One Day At A Time

"Maybe I'm a dreamer,
Maybe I'm just misunderstood,
Maybe you're not seeing the side of me you should,
Maybe I'm crazy,
Maybe I'm the only one,
Maybe I'm just out of touch,
Maybe I've just had enough."
~Maybe by Sick Puppies~

I am slowly building my self confidence and confidence in general back slowly day by day. I know it is not an easy process and that it is going to take me a long time to actually be normal but it is something that has to be done. One day at a time. It is the same with writing. One word at a time. That's how it has to be. You can't write the whole book at one time. You need to go word by word and those words slowly add up and become sentences, then paragraphs and then chapters and then the whole book. It's a step my step process and it has to be done in that fashion. I guess it is the same with all of this mess that I am in right now.

I have to work slowly on being confident in everything that I do. I have to be confident with myself. I have to learn how to look into the mirror and really love and appreciate the girl that is staring back at me. I have to learn how to be completely and utterly happy again. That I think will take the longest trying to battle the depression that has set it deep. In looking back I am pretty sure I started to really go downhill when I injured my back. That took a huge toll on me mentally as well as physically. It was a major mind block that I just couldn't figure how to overcome. My back still hurts. It is nowhere near as bad as it used to be, but it still lingers in the back of my mind always. It was such a devastating blow to me and it made me feel weak and it still does. I just feel fragile. I am such an active person that this type of injury took me down and out completely. There was nothing I could do to make it go away except let it heal on it's own. Time will forever be the enemy.

I also need to learn how to relax and go with the flow and overcome the mess I had with Andrew. He never responded back to my message and I discovered that he had defriended me off of facebook. Oh well. It is his loss and it just shows how immature he is and how much he overreacted. It still is overwhelming to think things went from being okay to being like we never met each other. In some ways it's good. This way I don't have to be constantly concerned with him. He is out of the picture now. But I look and see something else. I see my friends. The gang has not given up on me and isn't leaving me. Just knowing that I still have their friendship and love is enough to make the darkest days and nights that much brighter.



To all my friends: Thank you. Without you I probably would have given up a long long time ago.



~Dragon Eyes~

Facebook Breakup

I am no longer in a relationship with Andrew. I was going to sit down with him in person and have a nice chat about everything and end it that way in as gentle a way as possible. Well, I never got around to doing that. He ended up breaking up with me via facebook. Now that is the lowest of the lowest ways to break up with someone and I would never ever resort to something like that. Apparently he had other plans. And it was all because of an aim away message. Mature, huh?

I was going to the barn and put up an away message saying something to the effect that I was going to visit my man aka Grady. Grady, while he is a horse, is the most dependable man in the world and I positively love him for it. He is the only man in my life that has my entire heart. And apparently Andrew, who has heard me dote on my horse like this before, got wicked pissed, left me an aim message stating he was glad that I got everything I wanted and goodbye, and then broke up with me on facebook without even texting me or waiting to talk to me first. I was kind of at a loss and kind of guilty because I had wanted to end things with him so bad but just not in this fashion. I should have done in sooner but that's the problem with long distance relationships. So I told my mom and she told me to send him a message. So that's what I did. It was an apologetic message saying I was sorry things ended this way and I had really wanted to talk to him about it and such. Well, I got a response back.

The response was so low. He went on and on and on that I was immature and acting like a 10th grader and shit like that and then he was telling me I wasn't talking to him and never put anything into the relationship and stuff like that and that he wanted me to give his stuff that I had to either Alex Renner or Abby. I have shortened a lot, but needless to say, after talking to one of my friends, he had pulled the same bull that her ex-boyfriend did and everything he said was just like him. He was taking his flaws and projecting them onto me and making me look like I was the one at fault with all of this. Ha. Ha.

In the message that he sent me he proved full well that he was nothing more than an immature 10th grader. I tired. Oh, I tried. I went along with him and had him up to Eastern a bunch and dropped a lot of things to spend time with him. And normal boyfriends and girlfriends talk to each other in the relationship. They talk at least every day over the phone at least. We didn't have that. We never had a real phone conversation and there would be stretches of days where we didn't talk at all. Oh, that's healthy. And honestly, if he was concerned he could have contacted me. It wasn't like I was ignoring him. If he talked to me I talked back. I didn't just leave him hanging. And let's say that I tried with everything. I put all I could into the relationship and what did I get? I got roughly grabbed and thrown around by his drunk self and there is no way in hell I am going to deal with that.

He ended up sending me a message back before I sent him one stating that he was sorry for the severity of the last message before continuing to complain about me and making fun of the fact that I go talk to my parents. Just because he has a bad home life doesn't mean I do. Family is supposed to help each other. So far I haven't received a message back from him after telling him I didn't think I could ever talk to him again at this point.

My friends have been amazing through this whole thing. Both Amanda and Jocelyn keep telling me that my friends will not turn their backs on me and side with him and that they would never abandon me. I really hope so because if he tries and turns them on me he's going to discover how wrong a move that was. My therapist isn't going to know what to do with herself when I tell her about this and my awful feelings of depression I have been battling for the last couple semesters and even couple of years.

~Dragon Eyes~

I'm So Tired

I'm so tired.

It's a different kind of tired, though. Sure, I could probably go to bed right now, but I know I wouldn't sleep. I just don't really sleep. I would go to bed simply because I don't have anything else to do and don't care if I did anything or not. It's a sad way to live my life. I hate feeling so tired and drained all the time. I go to bed tired and I wake up tired. There's just no end to it. I wish I could sleep and sleep and sleep forever and not have to be bothered, but that just isn't the case. I have to get up and keep going. I can't let people see me any other way. I don't need more people worrying about me. People shouldn't have to worry about me all the time.

Brian Lloyd keeps talking to me and trying to tell me everything will be okay and that I will be able to make it through all of this. His words are good and true and I know he wishes he could do more to help me, but as he said it's my life and I have to be the one to do it. He says to follow my instincts, but right now my instincts tell me to just quit while I am ahead because nothing ever changes and that it's useless to dream. Dreaming just doesn't get you anywhere. It just gives you false hopes and lets you dash them yourself.

Last night I ended up calling and leaving my friend Molly a voicemail which she asked about this morning through facebook inbox. Well I told her and she sent a message back to me and I sent her one back again. I haven't heard from her since then and am wondering if she has abandoned me and turned her back on me like the rest of the world seems to have done. I dunno. I just keep going and hoping something will turn out. Right now I am not very hopeful.

I have also decided that I can't be bothered with Mike anymore. I stupidly texted him when I was at the wedding last night when I really shouldn't have. Another one of my dumb moments in life that I wish I could take back.

Tomorrow I go back to student teaching while everyone is on spring break. I'm not looking forward to it and wish it would just be over with. I'm just so burnt out with everyone and everything and this just adds to my feeling of being tired. On Tuesday it will be two months until graduation. If only I can make it until then...

~Dragon Eyes~

It Just Doesn't Get Any Easier

Today one of my best friends got married. It wasn't the true traditional style wedding that you usually see. It was small and low key. The wedding ceremony took place in a small chapel and the whole ceremony took maybe only 20 minutes tops. Then pictures were taken all over the place and photographers ran wild and such. The reception was also held in the church in the next room and everyone came out and the wedding party was seated. Then the bride and groom danced. I thought I would cry at that moment but I held it all together. As soon as it came time for the father/daughter dance I was done. The tears just came pouring out and wouldn't stop. Both Amber and her dad were crying which really got to me and them my friends Jocelyn and Molly started crying up at the head table and I was a goner. That's when it officially hit me that she was married. She is only three days older than me and she was married. I don't know, but after that all I could think of was the fact that she had found and married someone and I still had no one.

Being single at weddings is no great thing. It throws into sharp relief how single and alone you really are. You look around and see all of these happy couples and wonder to yourself why is there no one for me? And this is what I wondered as I watched them. Am I just not good enough? And in a lot of ways I really think I'm not. Guys look at me and see blond hair, big boobs and sex. They don't care who I am as a person and don't ever want to get to know me like that. They just want to see how good I am in bed. Apparently my personality is worth nothing and therefore I am worth nothing. To them I am just another blond and blonds are slutty and good in bed.

All of this just makes me realize how messed up and unhappy I am in life. I don't think I have ever been truly happy. There is really nothing in life that keeps me going. I guess my horse might, but I hardly see him anymore and it takes a lot just to get myself together to go see him anymore. I would rather sit around and do nothing than do something. Going out is a hassle because that usually means I will be harassed by men who want my body. I just would rather do nothing and spend the rest of my life locked away in my house. It just seems so much easier to do that than get the effort to go anywhere.

I know I'm depressed and I know I have problems, but I just can't find any reason to go and try and straighten myself out. I'm going to therapy now, but that will end in May. Then once again I am on my own. Therapy is expensive and I won't be able to afford it. Maybe my friend is right and maybe I need to go on some sort of medication to try and over come this and find something worthwhile in life. But I can't afford it and I don't want to drag my parents into this. They don't need to deal with something like this.

But it gets harder for me to get out of bed every morning. I have to physically drag myself out and get myself ready to get going and even then it's hard and all I want to do is go back to sleep. I shouldn't be like this and don't know who to turn to anymore. I feel like if I do, then I'm being judged and looked down upon for being like this. I just look in the mirror every day and find one more reason why I hate being me and want to be someone else. I so badly want to be someone else...

~Dragon Eyes~

Here We Are

"The lonely road, the one that I should try to walk alone."
~Here We Are - Breaking Benjamin~

There isn't much new for me to report today. It was kind of a low key day. The only real piece of news is that last night right before I was going to bed, I got an IM from Andrew. Now I haven't really spoken to him since last Sunday. I will admit that I have been kind of avoiding him a little bit. I want to break things off with him but there is just no real easy way to do that. It needs to be done. I can't sit around like this anymore. I want to get out there and show people who I really am. If only he didn't live so far away. Then I would have ended this at the beginning of the week. I've actually started to wear my ring upside down again which signifies me being single. Anyways, back to the IM. We said hi and stuff and he asked me what I was up to and then the kicker. He was like, "I want to get this off of my chest...are you annoyed with me?" I think I was waiting for this comment for a while, but when I was looking at it, I couldn't think of one thing to say. So I did my usual tactic. I told him we needed to talk but that it would have to wait because I was going to bed. I got no response. And still nothing today. In other words I really do hate all men.

It's so nice to be home from school and I won't have to go back till next Sunday. I'm super stoked about the whole thing. I'm getting closer and closer to the end and May and graduation. It just needs to come now, so I can be done.

In other news, I think I might take some grad school courses as Wesleyan. It's expensive but it's an amazing school and quite a few of the teachers at Nathan Hale Ray High have been there and loved it. I'm really excited about it!

Tomorrow is Amber's wedding. I still can't believe this is it. It just seems too soon and everything. I'm so happy for her and wish her all the best in the world. But this wedding has also thrown into light my lack of Mr. Right. I look around me and everyone seems to have someone they love and care about deeply. I would love to have that connection with someone, but there's something that just won't let me get too close. If I get too close I pull away. This has happened more times than I can count. I don't know. I just hate it. But tomorrow is Amber's day and I am going to be there (probably crying from happiness for her). It will be a long day, but I think it will be amazing, and who knows. I might find someone there at the wedding. I highly doubt it, but anything could happen I guess.

~Dragon Eyes~

Self Confidence

Everyone has one of those days where no matter what happens and what you wear and what other people say, you don't like who you are. Well I had one of those negative body image days today. It's hard when I walk around campus and see all the skinny girls lying out in the sun in their bikinis, tank tops and shorts. No matter what they were they look good in it. I hate it. I also hate how all clothes are designed for girls size 0 to size 2. Yeah. That's not very realistic. This is why I hate clothes shopping.

I ended up going to the mall with Ali and Steph to find a dress for the wedding I'm going to on Saturday. It didn't take as long as I thought it would and now I have a dress, shoes, shrug, and clutch. I am rather proud of myself. There wasn't any crying or swearing this time around. I need to work on fixing my spring and summer wardrobe. It would just make things a little easier if I liked what I put on my body. Hopefully I can overcome all of that and just enjoy me for me.

I am also thinking of changing my hair. I think that might give me a boost as well and make guys look at me and go wow instead of going I want to have sex with her now. I want to be different. So I think I am going to cut my hair shorter and more angular as well as put some sort of reddish highlight in. I am also going to see if I can put a relaxer in it to make the perm disappear. It's time for something new.

I am just so tired of guys looking at me for the sex aspect instead of my personality. No guy truly likes me for me and I'm sick of it. I talked with my therapist Suzanne at large about this. I just want someone to respect me and love me for who I am. I want them to look past the blond hair, blue eyes and big boobs and see me for me. I don't know if that will ever happen, but I'm quite done with looking and finding nothing.

~Dragon Eyes~

Lazy Days

There's nothing much to say about today. I went to school, made dinner for my sister and her friends, tried unsuccessfully to find a dress for the wedding on Saturday, and spent the evening running around with Alex Renner. I was supposed to be hanging out with Mike, but he flaked on me. Didn't even send me a message saying he couldn't make it. And when I texted him to ask him what was going on, he ignored me completely. I mean really? Are we that childish? He's going to get a new one ripped tomorrow if he decides to talk to me. The least he could have done was said that he was busy and unable to make it. Grr...

I had fun with Alex Renner though. It was pretty much just the two of us and we caught up and just chatted about nothing in our walk to McDonald's and such. It's nice to just spend time alone with him. He's going to be another person I'm going to miss when I graduate.

No word again from Andrew today. Not really that worried about it. Like I mentioned before, there is no emotional attachment. It makes me a little sad in a way that I don't. I don't know, but the two of us just aren't right for each other.

~Dragon Eyes~

The Latest Scuttlebutt

I found out today that I looked the person who stole my computer in the eye while he had my computer in the backpack that he stole from my roommate to get it out of the room. I talked extensively with my roommate Keri about the whole thing and found out some pretty interesting things about the whole theft and the person behind it. We are pretty damn sure its him. I'll give you the run down of that night.

Apparently this guy had come to visit Jen and excused himself to go to the bathroom. On his way down the hall he broke into my room, stole my computer and then fled to the bathroom with it. That's when Keri came back and ran to the bathroom because she needed to use it. On her way down the hall she noticed that my door was ajar, thought it was funny but dismissed it. When she was in the bathroom, she saw his jacket sitting on top of the giant thing of toilet paper. Well, it wasn't just sitting there. It was laid out completely flat as if it was covering something. That also sparked something as weird but she didn't put the pieces together. That's when he came back down the hall and freaked out that Keri was in the bathroom, so she left. That was when he must have used Jen's backpack to slip the computer inside and then make his getaway. I wonder what would have happened if Keri had lifted up that jacket and found my computer underneath. Would he have hurt her for it? Would he have hurt Jen for it? I don't know. It's probably better that she didn't find it. And he was still in the room when I came back, had the audacity to say he was sorry about my computer to my face before fleeing the scene with my computer.

Right now Keri and Jen are working together with the Willimantic police to get this guy caught and put behind bars for a long time. Stealing computers is just the tip of the iceberg for this guy who is a Willimantic local and homeless to boot. My computer most likely went for drug money. But Keri and Jen are working on putting his picture on the inside of our door so we know what he looks like and not to let him into the room. He is currently banned from campus and if he is found here, the police are being called and he is being arrested on the spot. He has threatened Jen, telling her that she better hope he doesn't find her car and telling her to watch her back. Jen isn't allowed to go anywhere alone at the moment and Keri carries a knife for fear of her safety.

That is the latest scuttlebutt from my room. Peachy, huh?



Other than that my day has been rather low key. Teaching went okay today and the rest of the week is mostly research with the students so that's not bad. I'm still working on when I'm going to get together with Andrew and lay down the news about us not being right for each other. I'm afraid to hurt him, but at the same time I don't want to be with him like that and don't want to lead him on. It will be hard and he will probably take it hard, but it's for the best. I'd rather it be now then even more months down the road. I hope we can overcome this.

~Dragon Eyes~

The Feeling of Suffocation

Now that I'm back at school and in my room I find myself longing to go home; longing to be done with everything. I don't want to be here anymore and I don't want to student teach anymore. I don't think I'm cut out for it anymore. Friday was just a bad day at my placement and showed me how little power I have over students. I couldn't control them. They didn't listen and were just everywhere. I know I shouldn't give up and this coming week probably will be so much better, but I am just done. I don't care anymore and if I could I would just stop and go home. I'm done with being stressed out and exhausted and everything. I want to be a normal college kid and do nothing. Yet I can't. I'm stuck here in hell.

The nights are what kill me. I'm fine all day, but as soon as I get to this point I feel as if I can't continue. I just want to curl up and give up. I hate feeling like this and I'm starting to find it harder and harder to keep myself going anymore. I hedged about doing education all through college and I still wonder why I decided to do it. My parents pushed me to get my teaching certificate and that's why I'm still here. I don't know what they would say if I decided after everything that I just didn't want to teach. I don't know what they would say. I would go get my master's but after that I have no idea. I hate how uncertain life is. Being young was so easy. This isn't anymore.

The other thing hanging over my head is the fact that I have to figure out when to get together with Andrew and end things with him. I don't know when this will be, but I need to get it over with soon. I'm just no super happy in this relationship. I have to tell myself to be happy. That's not how it should be. And there is no way I can do this with him. I have given it a chance. It's been a month. I know someone told me to give it till my birthday in May, but to wait that long would just be unfair to both of us. I'll lead him on uselessly and I'll be unhappy. It's better to get it over with as soon as possible.

~Dragon Eyes~

The Writing on the Wall

I had a great night tonight with my friends from home at the bachelorette party. It was very low key and we just all spent time chatting and just catching up on everything. We also talked about guys the entire night. That was by far the most interesting and enlightening experiences. It was interesting to hear about everyone's experiences with relationships now and in the past. We talked late into the night and with the time change I am now writing this at 4am instead of 3am. Oh well. I figured I might as well put all of this down on here before I go to sleep and lose everything...or I'm putting it all up here so I don't keep myself awake all night.

Tonight put my relationship into the spotlight as well as I talked with all my friends and explained everything that was going on between me and Andrew. After much debating and such I found quite a things. Most of them that I knew in my heart but had just never voiced aloud to myself or anyone else for that matter. There are just so many things that are working with this relationship. I will list them out. Be prepared. There are a lot of them it seems.

1. I feel like this relationship was rushed into. I was hedging about it, but he really pushed to get me to commit to him. I barely knew him then and just sort of leaped without looking. Let's just say that is not always a good thing.

2. I don't really know him. The two of us never really got a chance to get to know each other and become friends before becoming official and everything. I doubt I could answer very many questions about him.

3. Every time we hang out either both of us are drunk or he is. There is hardly ever a time where the two of us are sober together. He is always drinking something. Like a beer at 3pm. Is there ever a time where we can hang out without alcohol? I feel like he needs it to be around me. That's not good and those are alcoholic tendencies. He's always going out drinking with people and then says he has no money. I wonder why.

4. He can be clingy. There are times when I just want to be left to my own devices and be the independent person I am. There was one night at work where he talked to me for 5 hours straight. After a while I didn't even want to talk to him. I just wanted to watch my movie, but he wouldn't leave me be.

5. There are things he tries to rush me into. The relationship was one of them, but the sex stuff as well. He told me he wanted to have sex with me, but he was willing to wait. As long as it was sooner than 6 months. That's called rushing and it makes me uncomfortable. I want to work myself up to it and have it be a good experience. I don't want to rush something as big as that. He also already mentioned living together. O_O That's WAY too fast for me!

6. It's a long distance relationship. And right now it is killing me. I see him once on the weekends if I'm lucky. He lives too far away from me and it's hard to get together to spend time together. Which leads me to the fact that we don't know each other at all. Some people are good at the distance thing. I am not really one of them.

7. I'm very busy. It's the truth. This semester has been insane for me. I have had no time to breathe. When it gets to the weekends all I want to do is sleep and not be bothered. But every weekend he has to visit me. And when he comes up my sleep pattern is destroyed and I don't get enough sleep or don't sleep at all. I can't do that over and over again. It gets harder for me to keep going week after week. And then when I looked at my schedule I won't be available at all for the next 4 or 5 weeks. How is that supposed to work? It isn't. I can't drop everything for him. That just can't and won't happen.

8. We only talk to each other through aim or texting. We never talk talk on the phone. He doesn't like to and it's hard because you can't express the same feelings through aim or texting as you do with a regular phone call. Maybe it would help bring us closer.

9. I have no emotional attachment. I don't. When he IMs me or texts me, I'm not really super excited or anything and it's the same when he's coming up to visit. I just don't feel excited to see him and it many ways would rather not. There is just nothing there. I don't know but I just don't have any interest anymore.

10. Our relationship doesn't feel real. It feels like we just put a title on it for kicks. So we have the title but I just don't feel like he's my boyfriend. I don't see him enough or talk to him enough to make it so. It holds no value to me.

11. He is not a great kisser. Yeah that's kind of a sad reason to put down, but he is. I love kissing, but not when it's bad. This is why I hardly kiss him.

12. My heart is already with someone else. Yes. My heart belongs to Mike. I still see him and talk to him and feel that excitement and feel that smile cross my lips. There is something about him that just makes me happy and excited to be with him and I feel like he wants to be with me too. Even if he doesn't it doesn't matter to me. Things with him feel real while they just don't with Andrew.

Yes, that's a lot of reasons pointing in a direction that isn't being together with him. There are just so many not so good things while there are only one or two good things. I really think I am going to talk to him and put this relationship off for now. We can still talk and hang out, but not as a couple. We aren't ready for it. He definitely isn't. I'm pretty much his first real girlfriend and he doesn't know how to act around me or with me. Which makes it hard. Putting if off for now seems best. Maybe at the end of May things will be different. Maybe we will find something in each other that we didn't see or have before. Or maybe we won't. Who knows. But right now I am kidding myself. I am not happy in this relationship and don't want to have to deal with it and be unhappy. That's not fair to me and it's not fair to Andrew if I lead him on. Might as well end it now before things go too far.

I know this will be hard on him and my friends won't understand. But it just never clicked between the two of us. That spark just wasn't there. I don't know. I hope my friends reading this don't think poorly about me for this, but I need to do what's right for both of us. And right now being together isn't it.

~Dragon Eyes~

One Week

Today is officially one week before my friend gets married. I don't know how I feel about all of this. She is very young; the same age as me. This is her very first boyfriend and he proposed to her less than six months after they started dating. I have met him twice. Neither time impressed me. He was rude and mean and just rubbed me the wrong way. I know she likes him (not that I know why) and there is nothing I can do but let her get married and hope it works out for her. If it doesn't then I will comfort her. That's all i can do anymore. I love her to death and want her to be happy. I hope it all works out and she remains happy for a long time. But I have my doubts that it will. They have already had many ups and downs. How are they going to survive marriage? I have no idea.

Tonight is the bachelorette party. I've never been to one before, so I think it's going to be a lot of fun. We will just have to see how happy she is and such like that. I don't care. I will smile and nod, but I will not say a word. I think she is making a huge mistake and is throwing her life away at such a young age, but I won't tell her that. I can't. This is her choice. Not mine. All I can do is support her and hope for the best.

~Dragon Eyes~

Blast From the Past

Why does the past like to come back and haunt people? I have no idea. Maybe it's just one of those things that just doesn't like to let us go and leave us alone. This evening while I was just sitting at my computer, minding my own business and watching the movie Star Trek, I randomly received my blast from the past: a facebook chat message from this kid I knew in high school. In some ways I'm really not sure why I am friends with him since I had maybe talked to him a total of five times all throughout high school, but oh well. He messaged me and then everything went out of control.

Now this kid, John, was one of those typical jock type guys. He was into sports and very popular with everyone, guys and girls alike. He was average looking to me, nothing special and I never had any feelings for him. Apparently, he did. In messaging me tonight he was telling me that he had always wanted to have sex with me and wanted to hook up with me now even though I have a boyfriend. I think my jaw was dragging on the floor. What? He liked me and wanted to screw me? Where the hell did this come from? And lets just say this kid was determined to get with me and have me send him a naughty picture to him. Now, do you really think I am that stupid and shallow to do that? I like my boyfriend. Why am I going to risk losing him over you? I'm not. Seriously, where the hell did this come from? Apparently he liked me since junior year of high school. It's now the end of senior year of college. Six years have passed, and now he wants to do something. Why the hell me?

I swear, I was nothing in high school or half of college. Why now is all of this coming out? I have no idea but I am pretty creeped out by the whole thing.

~Dragon Eyes~

Talking It Out

I finally went to my first therapy session today. I have been waiting to go and talk to someone for the longest time, especially after this weekend with the whole ordeal with my computer. I was excited and relived to go talk to someone, but I was also nervous. I am always nervous with these things. I am afraid to judged and looked at like someone less. I don't know why I feel this way but I do. But I went in and held my head up high telling myself everyone at some point in their life needs to talk to someone. They can be the most popular girl in the school or the hottest jock but at some point they are going to find that turning to someone is the best thing for them.

Suzanne was really nice and let me vent out my problems and tried to get a feel for who I was as a person. I mentioned everything I could think of. I talked about the theft of my computer, the stress with my roommate Jen, the stress that I feel all the time and how it's debilitating, the whole love triangle with me, Andrew and Mike and just how to feel happy again. Yeah it's a lot and I sort of did a lot of summing up and explaining. Next Thursday is when it all really starts I guess. I can't wait to go back and get started with putting my life back together.

There is one thing I never mentioned a couple posts ago. I meant to, but I just never got around to it. Well, I mentioned that Mike came over and hung out on Tuesday and we played 007 and had a good time. It was like old times again. I missed hanging out with him and talking to him all the time, so it was nice to have a chill night with him. He stayed for a few hours and we had a blast. But all good things must come to an end and he needed to go and I needed to go to bed. She we wandered into the kitchen/common room and were kind of standing there and chatting and it was weird. Just the way he stood there and looked at me and some of the things he said made me wonder if he still really liked me and was unsure how to proceed. He knows about Andrew and told me he respected that and that he would try to behave. Like I said, I think he might still really like me and that he suddenly realized maybe how stupid he was to let me go. I don't know if that is true or not, but that was the feeling I got from him.

I want to hang out with him. Don't get me wrong. He is always going to have a piece of my heart. We have been through too much together not to. I know Andrew would not approve, but this is my choice. I can never go back to Mike. Andrew is so much more. But unfortunately in the back of my mind I wonder if something could happen between us again. I push that thought away.

~Dragon Eyes~

It Just Feels Right

There are some days when everything just seems to click into place and you find yourself truly loving what you are doing and who you are as a person. Everything just seems perfect. Today was one of those days for me. I got up and went to school and as always I found myself facing the same worries and fears that I face every time I go to my student teaching placement. Can I really do this? The answer that I always give myself is, I don't know. Everyone else around me tells me that I can do it and I am doing it. My mom is probably getting sick of it but I keeps leaving her a text message in the morning. She always responds with something that makes me feel good and allows me to see the good in the situation. For some reason hearing it from her makes all the difference in the world. Same as when my dad tells me it. I know it's going to be okay because they tell me it is and they know that it is. If they knew I couldn't do it they wouldn't tell me I could. They are just not those kinds of people. And I find myself thanking them every day for it. For the first time since freshman year of collage I call my parents on a daily basis. Just hearing their voices and words of comfort and wisdom are enough to keep me going even when the going seems impossible.





Today was the first time my teacher left me completely and utterly alone with a class of students. At first I was terrified, but then I realized that this was a good thing. I didn't have him watching me non-stop and I was able to teach and interact with the students in a little different way. They behaved so well for me. I was amazed. When they did group work or individual work, they were quiet and focused. They are never like that with my teacher. And it all just felt so right. I felt like I belonged there because it was suddenly like my own classroom. Today was the moment I realized that I really can do this. And even though it is hard and I sometimes wonder what I have gotten myself into, I find that in the end this is where I am meant to be.

Tonight was in interesting sort of night. In class we had a career service person come in and talk about job searching, cover letters, resumes and interviews. I loved it. She gave some of the most amazing advice. Even though it takes a person in the United States between 12 and 24 months to find a job, she gave advice about how to stand out from the rest of the crowd.

Tonight was also the night that me and Jeanette went down to main street with other classmates and friends to meet our education professor Helen for food and fun. We were there from 7pm until now and it was a blast. I have missed her so much and it was so good to talk to her and tell her about our experiences and just know that she was there for all of us and that she loved to hear from us. She is definitely one of the professors that I will stay in touch with forever. She is one of those people you never have to worry about going and talking to because, while she is our teacher, she acts almost like our mom and mentor. There is just something about her that makes everything seem good and golden in the world. I know that if i ever need something that she is always there and more than willing to help. It was hard to say goodbye and walk back up the hill, but I was glad I went out. It also gave me and Jeanette some one on one bonding time that the two of us so desperately needed.

All in all tonight was just an amazing night. I can go to bed feeling secure in the fact that I am in the right field and I am doing something I love. I have always loved to teach. I taught my beanie babies school all the time when I was little and I had enough teachers that I loved in high school that made me want to go out and become a teacher myself. Even though the road has been long and hard and there are times when I feel like I never want to teach again, I find myself truly loving what I do. I stand up in front of a class and get to talk about my favorite thing in the world: history. I get to do what I love every day. How can you say no to that?

The Uncertainties of the Human Mind

The weather is warming up and the sun is shining during the days. Every morning it's getting lighter. I've noticed this as I make the long drive to school and have the sun shining annoyingly in my face. I also notice the difference in the light in general throughout the day. It's hard to describe how I feel. I like the warm weather and it means that spring is coming and that May is getting even closer. But it also leaves a deep sense of sadness. I like the dark. I feel safe when it's dark out and there is just something about the winter sun that I suddenly miss. Even though I suffer with seasonal depression and that it gets worse year after year I wish for the dark, cold winter and the snow. I'm weird, I know, but there is just something that makes me sad about the coming of spring.



In some ways I think this is also hard on me every morning when I wake up, get ready and go to school. I dread it, but as soon as I get there and start teaching I feel like it's where I belong. I enjoy it but I want it to be done with. I think it is time for me to move on and get a real job, that's closer to my house. The 45 minute commute gives me too much time to think in the morning and that is never good for me. The days keep flying by and I know I can make it. I've come this far and I can make it the rest of the way.

I'm also suddenly having second thoughts about changing my room. I know Kerri is working to try and find something for me, but today I actually hung with my roommates and talked to them. I chatted with Keri for a while and Jeanette and I actually had some bonding time, just the two of us, which was nice. I don't know. I haven't seen Jen in two days and frankly I'm alright with that. I don't want to see her. But I don't know. It's just weird. I want to change rooms but at the same time I don't.

Mike is coming by around 8ish to play some Bond for a while. I can't wait to see him and such after not seeing him for well over a month. We will see how all of this goes. I haven't talked to Andrew today at all, and I didn't yesterday either. Maybe he is just trying to give me some space. I don't know. I'm just kind of rolling with everything and seeing where the road takes me.

~Dragon Eyes~

Holding On

Today felt like the longest day in history. I got up at my usual time of 5:20am or so and got myself ready for school grudgingly. It took so much for me to find a reason to get out of bed this morning and get ready and go to school. It was the longest drive in history and it gave me far too much time to think about everything that had happened over the weekend and everything that I needed to do and everything that I didn't want to do. I got to my school early for some random reason and ended up calling home. I don't know, but I just had to. My dad talked to me on the phone for the few minutes that I had and told me over and over again that I had to keep going because if I quit than Jen and her druggie losers would win. He told me I had come too far and worked too hard to throw it all away because of one stupid person. It took everything I had to hang up with him and walk into that school. I would have rather been anywhere else.

The school day went by relatively fast for me, all things considered. I had a prep period at the start of the day followed by an observation of a class. After that I grabbed a quick lunch and taught my two classes. The first class was really good and attentive. The second class I was observed in. I wasn't as nervous this time around with the observation but the class wasn't the best behaved. I already moved seats and it looks like I am going to have to move some more. My university supervisor thought I did really well all things considered with my mess of a weekend and such and gave me some good pointers and tips to try. Tomorrow I pick up my fourth class. It shouldn't be too bad of a day. I teach two classes and then the last two blocks are my portfolio and prep periods, so I pretty much hang around and do nothing. Which is fine with me. During the day at school my parents both sent me text messages of support and comfort that made it seem like it could be alright. I just wish I wasn't so far away from them right now.

The night is where I find myself struggling and falling back into doubt and fear. Right now I am once again sitting at work with nothing to do. And when I have nothing to do, I think. And thinking is not beneficial for me now or ever. It keeps me down and tells me over and over again that I can't do it and that I should just give up and give in. I hate it because I can't stop it and I find myself succumbing to it more than pushing it away. All I want to do is go to bed and sleep forever. It just would be so much simpler if I could.

I am supposed to play 007 Nightfire tomorrow night with Mike. It will be the first time I have seen him since the beginning week of the semester. I want to see him, but at the same time I am guarded. I like Andrew a lot and nothing will change that. I need to see Mike. I need to test and see what my heart is like. If I never see him again it will kill me. I will never be able to live myself not talking to him. It's funny. He hurt me in so many ways yet I can't help but want him in my life. I know Andrew hates it that I still want to be friends with him. And I know that he would hate it even more if I told him I was actually hanging out with Mike. It's all so confusing. All I know is that I cannot wait for my therapy session on Thursday. I need it like you wouldn't believe.

~Dragon Eyes~

When It Rains It Pours

They say bad things come in threes. Well I think that's wrong. When bad things happen they happen big time. There is no set number. When you are on a roll you are on a roll. This afternoon they just didn't stop.

I managed to get back to my room last night, get ready and go to bed without anyone noticing me. There was no one around and I couldn't have been more thrilled. The last thing I needed was to be set upon by anyone. But as soon as the door to my bedroom was closed and locked I suddenly felt a terror I couldn't imagine. I was in my room alone. I was in a place that had been easily broken into. It was dark and I was alone; so terribly alone. I took the chair to my desk and propped it up against the door. If anyone tried to get into my room they wouldn't be able to without making a bunch of noise and waking me up. I slept sporadically and would wake up and look around my room to make sure there was no one there as well as that my computer was still sitting on the desk.

I woke up at 9:45am when I heard my roommate get into the shower. I then booked it and grabbed my stuff and left at 10am. My roommate, who happened to be Jeanette, was still in the shower when I left. I can always count on her to take extremely long showers. Not good for the environment but good for me.

Well when I got home I decided to take my ipod and plug it into my computer so that I could transfer the songs off of it and onto my itunes. I plugged it in and it died right in front of my eyes. The screen wouldn't come on. It wouldn't turn on plugged into the computer, my car or just by itself. It had completely and utterly died. Devastation. First my computer, then my ipod. My ipod had committed suicide over the loss of my computer. Music is my life. My ipod is my life. I never go anywhere without it. My mom sat there and watched me cry at the kitchen table, handed me money and told me to go get another one. She knows how I cherished my nano. It was two years old and it was my last connection to my old computer. It would have given me all the other music that I had lost and in one tiny moment it was gone.

Finding the black ipod classic that I wanted was something else. I went to four different stores. No one had the ipod classic in black. Just silver. I didn't want silver and ended up coming home and crying more before the Best Buy on the Berlin Turnpike came up with the black ipod classic. My dad took me there and we got it. Five stores later, a whole hell of a lot of crying and swearing I was going to never go back to Eastern and student teaching I finally had my ipod. I came home and fooled around with it, all the while still saying I was never going to go back to school or student teaching. I really don't want to anymore. There is no love for either now. I just want to go home and hide from the world. Andrew texted me over and over again telling me I couldn't give up and that he would never let me. Ugh. I love him for it, but I hate him for it as well. I want to quit and never come back. It would just be so much easier if I could.

An officer came by work as usual today and I ended up finding out from him that they had just been down to my room and had questioned Jen about everything. They are pretty damn sure she is involved and are going to do everything they possibly can to figure something out for me. That will probably be awkward when I go back there and meet with her face to face but at this point she is looking guiltier and guiltier. My computer was stolen from my locked room. I have ever right to follow up on it. I'm definitely going to warn Ginger and Reeni about it all. They have a right to know, though Reeni probably does if the police were there and she was too.

I'm definitely going to try and switch rooms. There's no way I can live there any more. All I have to do is see what goes.

~Dragon Eyes~

And The Plot Thickens

You learn some interesting things when you least expect it. Life always manages to throw something interesting your way. I thought the theft of my computer would be the last of it for this weekend, but I was wrong. It came out of the sky in the form of a police officer on campus who stopped by to check on the RA and myself and see if the building we were working in was quiet for the evening.

I was sitting there in the office fighting with this computer and trying to make it cooperate and get rid of the doubled songs on itunes when the police officer asked me about my computer. When I told him it was brand new and that I had bought it that day because my other one had been stolen, the light bulb went off in his head. He knew exactly who I was and the whole case. He asked me if I had any suspicions about who had taken my computer and when I told him I highly suspected my roommate Jen or her druggie loser friends, he nodded and said that that was what he hoped to hear from me. Last semester, the robberies of computers and TVs in 114 was his case and he and other people suspected her then and this was too much of a coincidence. My room and the rooms in 114 that were stolen from were both located in the back of the suite and all of those doors had no play in them and none looked forced. They all looked as if they had just been left open and unlocked. According to the officer, on closer inspection of those doors, they discovered that a screwdriver was used to carefully push back the bolt of the door. No forced entry. With the stuff that was stolen in my room and 114, it was always computers and TVs and known to be in the room. As the officer told me, it was too coincidental with Jen being in 114 where stuff was stolen and them moves to my suite where stuff is stolen in the same fashion. Oh yeah. They pretty much have pinned it that either she stole it or was involved in the stealing.

I am apparently going to be re interviewed by the police again and I will do it with pleasure. They are also going to sit down hard on this bitch. They are going to basically give her the writing on the wall as well as ban some of the stoner creeps she has in our room from campus, including her boyfriend or ex boyfriend who has the criminal record. If I see him in the room after he is banned from campus I need to call the police and they will come arrest him. Needless to say I was very thrilled with how the night turned out. I know all of my friends are pulling for me and backing me up. Alex told me that over and over again trying to get me to stop stressing out. He was supposed to meet a girl at the bar last night and hope that Jeanette wasn't going to find him at the bar and mess up his chances. I hope that the night went well for him.

Mike and I are supposed to get together this week and play some 007 Nightfire and catch up a little bit on everything. He has been my friend fro a long time and I want to hang out with him because I don't want to lose his friendship. He knows about Andrew and wants to hear about him and such. I know Andrew would protest if he knew that I was talking to him and going to hang with him after everything that he put me through. But the thought of losing him and everything we had for almost two years is something that I can't even bear to think about. Mike is and will always be someone close to my heart. Same with Alex. I had a crush on him for two years and I never want to lose him either. I know Andrew can and probably will never understand me and Mike and that's okay. Maybe if he was in the same situation he would understand. Right now I need every friend I have. And he is one that I really need in my life.

~Dragon Eyes~

Pain, Loss and Fear

"Nothing can be meaner than the anxiety to live on, to live on anyhow and in any shape."
~George Santayana~

This was the weekend that was the straw that broke the camel's back. This weekend my computer was stolen out of my locked room while I was at the gym. I left the room at 4:15pm. The computer was sitting on my desk. I put up an away message, walked out of the room, closed the door behind me, made sure it was locked and then went to the gym. When I returned at 6pm, I walked down the hall to my room and when I reached the door I knew something was wrong. The door that I had left closed and locked behind me was ajar. I NEVER leave it open. I pushed it open and the first thing I saw was the empty spot on the desk where my computer had been. The power cord was left behind. The feeling of crushing loss and anger was something I had never experienced in such a violent fashion before. All thought and reason was gone. I had no idea what to do but cry and question everyone.

I ended up calling the campus police and then ended up coming to the room and took all the information that I could manage to give them about the computer. My roommates Keri and Jen were there. Keri hadn't been in the room until 10 minutes before I had come back, but the clincher was Jen. She apparently had been in the room in her bedroom the entire time. And had heard nothing. Nothing else in the room had been taken. My phone, camera, purse and binder of DVDs which had all been lying out in the open had been untouched. Whoever had come into my room had known exactly what they were going for. They wanted the computer and knew it was there. I called my parents in hysterics. There are just no words to describe the crushing feelings of loss and hatred that I felt. If anyone has ever had anything stolen from them they know the feeling better than anyone. Someone violated your space and stole something valuable and dear to your heart. Some stranger had stood in my room. Some stranger had touched my stuff.

Back to my roommate Jen. Jen is the girl who lives next to me. She is Keri's step sister and she is a drug addict. Most of the time she is high and she constantly has all of these skeevy stoner guys come in and out of the room. Now remember, Jen said she was in the room the whole time and heard nothing. Well the way our suite is set up someone would have to walk down the hall and risk getting caught to break in my room and get my computer. This is where I am thinking that while I was gone Jen or one of her stoner friends came in and took it. That's the only explanation that I have and it's the most logical. She is a skeevy bitch and Abby, Amanda, Sam, Andrew and Alex say the same thing. Last year she lived in the suite next to Abby and Amanda's and two or three computers were stolen out of there. Everything points straight to her. And I want her dead.

I spent the night in Abby and Amanda's room. We were supposed to have girls night but it didn't go anyway the way we planned. My computer got stolen and then things just kind of went all nutty. I did sleep over like planned, not that I got much sleep because the whole theft made me more anxious and upset than ever. I woke up at random times. At 3am I updated my facebook from my phone and such and at 6am I went to my room and grabbed more of my crap so that I could go home and then come back straight to work and avoid my room all together. I left Eastern at 9am and right now I am sitting at work on my new computer. It's a very nice computer but it isn't the four year old computer I used to have. This is going to take a lot of getting used to.

I don't want to go back to my room tonight or any night for that matter. I don't ever want to step foot back there again. I don't ever want to talk to my roommates again. Reeni and Ginger I do but Jen, Keri and Jeanette? No way in hell. I am done. I want to move out of my room completely and live at home, but my parents don't think that would work well with my job. Honestly, I don't care at all at this point. Living home sounds so wonderful. I would be with my family and I would get to see my horses all the time. I hate it here. All of my friends are here for me and that is keeping me sane, but I just don't know what to do. I could change rooms I guess but I don't know how I feel about that. I just wish it was may and that I could be home and never have to deal with this ever again. No one in their senior year of college or any year for that matter should have to deal with something like this. I just keep holding on to all I have and hope it's enough.


RIP Tom...You have no idea how good a computer you were and how much I will miss you.

~Dragon Eyes~

Ten Signs He's Smitten

I found this on the yahoo homepage when I was coming on the my blog and laughed at this. It was so perfect and I know completely that Andrew is...well...smitten!!

1. He talks you up to all his friends. Oh he does that a lot!

2. He enjoys doing the most mundane activities with you. He wanted to stand in the cold to watch me ride my horse.

3. He'd rather talk to you than watch the latest episode of 24...or at least for now. How true.

4. He's not afraid to say I love you. Okay we haven't gotten to this one yet.

5. He misses you. Always. Not a day goes by that he doesn't say that to me.

6. He takes it for granted that you have a future together. I don't know about this one.

7. He goes the extra mile. I think he would jump over the moon for me right now.

8. He can't get over how beautiful you are. He tells me that like 178324724 times a day.

9. He picks you over the boys. He told me he wanted to leave his party early on Friday to see me for a little bit. When I protested he insisted.

10. He's willing to be a total mush. This kid says some of the corniest and cutest things sometimes. And I lap it up!

Celebrity Rehab

This is the first time I have ever watched this show. And I watched it all night long. It was the first time that I had actually spent out in my common room in a long time. I watched Celebrity Rehab with my roommate Reeni and our friend Eric. For the first time in over a week, I ate a meal in my common room with people. It was just so relaxed and I didn't feel so pressured and judged. Reeni and I talked and connected, especially when one of the patients ended up putting their dog to sleep. The two of us bawled. I have put three dogs to sleep and it is one of the most painful and heart-breaking things in the world. My pets are everything to me and to see them die is like dying with them. The whole show was one emotional roller coaster and I found myself pulling for drug addicts and alcoholics. Sure they might be celebrities, but underneath they are normal people who managed to fall off the beaten track and got lost.



This is the one show that has made me cry multiple times in one night. There was just something about it that got to me heart and soul. They gave me hope. Even though they are going through addictions and I have a crazy roommate I can relate to them knowing that it is so very hard, but it works out. Everything just comes together and all is right with the world. I wish them well on their journey and can't wait for the season premier of Sober House next Thursday.

The Case of the Vanishing Apples

After yesterday's fiasco of a day, today was a relief. After yesterday's insane H Block class I was ready to give up and just find something else to do. Those kids were so out of control it was ridiculous. And I got walked all over because I couldn't be firm enough. Well that is going to change on Monday when I see them for class and my observation. My teacher was awesome today and gave me all sorts of things to try with them, including moving their seats around so they aren't in the back making noise and goofing off. He told me the tone of the whole class would change when I did that. We will just have to see.

I took over A Block today and they were angels!! They are an accelerated class just like H Block and it was night and day. These kids were quiet and engaged and asked questions and answered my questions. I had no problems with them. They were amazing. Everything just clicked into place and it was perfect. I don't know if that will ever happen again but I can hope right? It made me look forward to coming back and teaching them again. Even my teacher was impressed. Though they could have been really quiet and behaved because they were brain-dead from CAPT testing.

So I come back from school, looking forward to eating my apple (I have six of them in my fridge). They are red and juicy and amazing and healthy. And when I went to go find them, they were gone. Poof. They were perfectly fine and I haven't seen anyone eating them in the room. So where the hell did they go? I was rather pissed over the whole thing. All I wanted most was an apple. I had been craving one all day and come home to none. Growl.



The rest of the evening was amazing! I spent it at a Pure Romance sex toy party and bought some awesome things for myself and for Andrew and then went and had tea with Kerri, who is my old RA and one of my besties. I haven't hung out with her in a long time so it was really nice to reconnect and talk about everything that is going on in our lives. We are going to try to do something next week. I'm very excited about that. But today went much better and I am hoping this trend will continue!

Awkward Moments

"True friends stab you in the front."
~Oscar Wilde~

Friends hurt you. That's just part of nature. Friends hurt you for a reason. They do it because they care and most of the time they explain to you why they hurt you. Sure, you are mad at them about it, but in the end you see reason and understand that they didn't do it intentional. They didn't do it to hurt you deeply and completely. They stab you in the front. They do it where you can see it and know where it is coming from. There are no mysteries with that.

But when friends stab you in the back it hurts. It hurts in ways you could never imagine. It's like part of your heart dies. It's a pain that cannot be matched by anything else short of a gunshot wound. The people you loved and trusted like family suddenly show their true colors. They show you what is really inside them; cold black hearts. The pain can either consume you or make you stronger. You can either give in to everything or step up and be strong. Giving in and giving up is something I cannot do. I refuse to. I am a compulsive quitter by nature but this time I won't. I won't let student teaching get the best of me and I won't let my roommate either. This is my battle to fight and win. And I will win.



The pain that I felt last semester is gone. Anger and hatred has replaced that. I look on with cold, jaded eyes. I am the Dragon and I will not be pushed under and away. Not this time. I am my own person I will do whatever I have to in order to gain some respect.

I am sick and tired of living in my room with my roommates. It's the same annoyances and hassles day in and day out. I am a senior in my last semester of college and I shouldn't have to deal with any of this. I live with five other girls. You couldn't ask for a worse kind of hell. Two are step sisters and one of them happens to be a drug addict. Neither of them are going anywhere with their lives. Reeni is fine. I love her to death and we get along really well. I also love Ginger. She is one of the most hysterical people I have ever met and I wouldn't take anything back with her. And then there is Jeanette. She's the one I have the problem with. We lived together last year and I never had a problem. She changed this year and not for the best. She's loud and obnoxious and immature. As I sit in my room all I hear is her voice. Whenever she is around she has to be the center of attention. It doesn't matter if others were there first and chatting. She butts in becomes the figure in the spotlight. I'm through with it. Especially tonight.

When I walked in the room Jeanette and Reeni were there and they were really quiet until I got in the shower. I just knew when I walked in that they must have been talking about me or something right before I came back. It is the only explanation that I can come up with right now. It hurts, especially when they made dinner and didn't poke me. Usually when one of the three of us makes a big involved dinner we invite everyone. Yup. I made my own dinner tonight and it was better than what they had. I just hate it all. I wish I could be in a room that wasn't so stressful and annoying. I keep telling myself that there are so many things to look forward to. The sex toy party tomorrow and girl's night on Friday. Then I work all weekend and keep on going. Next weekend I am going to go home and Spring Break for school will mean I can spend the entire week at home. Yeah. I really do hate all of this.

~Dragon Eyes~

Song Birds

"How did it happen that their lips came together? How does it happen that birds sing, that snow melts, that the rose unfolds, that the dawn whitens behind the stark shapes of trees on the quivering summit of the hill? A kiss, and all was said."
~Victor Hugo~

Winter is devoid of life. It is cold, dark and dreary. White blankets of snow cover the ground and everything stands still in lifeless misery. There are some animals that brave the winter cold, but the songs of the birds are missing. Their sweet melodies are lost. But this morning as I walked to the parking garage to get my car to go to school, I heard something I haven't heard in months: the melodious sounds of the Robin. It took a few moments for my brain to register what I was hearing. Could it be just my imagination playing tricks on me? No. It was really. The American Robin was once again singing his song. Spring is finally on its way.



I am excited for spring and the warmer weather that it will bring. It also means that May, graduation and the end of student teaching is coming closer. I am just so ready to be done. I'm done with living on campus. I'm done with school in general. I am done with student teaching, even though I do like it. If my teacher actually gave me a little more guidance here and there I wouldn't feel so stressed out about everything. I continue to create lessons and teach them and I know I'm going to learn by doing them on my own, I still wish I could have a host teacher like Sue. Every D Block I go to the upstairs teacher room and work on my lessons and such and Sue is always there. She is a U.S. History teacher and today she helped me about a lot with different websites and sources that I could use to teach my lessons. We discussed how we hated the curriculum and the book that I am have to use. I feel like I can really connect with her in a way that I could never with Ray. Ray is nice and all, but he has been there for 32 years and he is set in his ways. He does everything the same and never likes to change things up a bit. Sometimes I feel like he looks down on me with how I want to teach and such, but I am the teacher now and I will be the one coming up with everything. I just really wish I could fast forward and be done with it all.

When I feel down and sad I think of the song birds. I think of their voices and how they are unafraid to just sing at 6am without fear of being stopped or suppressed. This is what they want to sing about and they will never stop singing. They are free and that's how I wish I could feel. I want to be free like them. I know it might now be that way in the school that I am at now, but I know it will happen down the road when I have my own classroom and can teach what I want to teach without someone telling me to teach it their way.