How I Found Myself And You

I haven't updated in a few days, but there has been some much packed into these few days that it seems like an eternity. I have been wanted to update this blog all weekend and all evening and now that I have finally gotten here I find the words are gone. This has been an emotional weekend. There have been so many feelings going through my head yet I can't seem to make sense of any of them. But I will give it my best shot.

Andrew came up this weekend. I think the emotion here would be fear and maybe dread. After the deja vu incident on Monday I wasn't sure what to think and was beginning to wonder if this relationship had been a good idea. I warred with that all week and dreaded him coming up for fear that I would be pushed into doing something that I didn't want to do. He wanted to come up on Thursday night and I panicked. No. It was too early! I knew that I wouldn't get to bed early and I would be exhausted and everything. No, it wasn't a good idea and I told him that. He understood completely and said that he would come up anyways and stay with some friends and then hang with me on Friday. Still fear and dread but at least I would have the evening to myself and get to bed early.

One of my best friends, Dee, stopped by to use my toilet since hers had flooded and we had a great conversation and everything that she said to me made me feel better. She knew the fears that I felt and understood why I had backed off from Andrew and everything. I needed to talk to Andrew about it. That was the first step. I somehow had to make that happen, but how? I have no idea.

So Friday rolled around and I did everything to avoid meeting Andrew until I absolutely had to. Yes, I know it was silly and it was killing him, but I was terrified. The good thing was that he was in Abby and Amanda's room, so I met him with others around. I do better in that group situation. It's more comfortable for me. I feel like there is less pressure on me or something. We all hung out there for a long while and Reeni even came by. It was just a chill setting. But unfortunately, that isn't my room and all good things had to come to an end. So it was back to my room with Andrew. Fortunately, we weren't there for very long before going down the hill to Noble to hang with Dee, her boyfriend and some other of my friends. The night was excellent. We were there from around 9:30pm to 2am watching the Hangover, playing video games, drinking and chatting. Everyone loved Andrew. He was the life of the party. And as usual, Andrew was drunk and I was not. Somehow this always happens. Whenever we hang out, either both of us are drunk or Andrew is. Sigh. Maybe I want a sober night to get to know him. we cuddled and such when we got back to my room and then went to sleep. Still my feelings and emotions were in turmoil.

Saturday was a good day. I had a riding lesson, so I left Andrew behind and went to do something that I love more than anything else. My horse is my life. He has my entire heart and I know for a fact that he would never do anything intentional to break it. Andrew wanted to come see me ride, but I talked him out of it. It was going to be bitter cold and the barn had flooded with the rain two days prior. But the big reason was that I wanted to be alone with my sister and my horse. I wasn't ready to let someone else in my life. I was scared, but when I sat on my horses back I knew instantly how the world worked. It was as if a piece of me that was missing had been found.



The rest of Saturday was amazing. I hung with Andrew when I came back and we just chilled and such for a while as we hashed out plans with Amanda and Sam for bowling. I was excited to go, especially knowing that Amanda was going to be there. Frankly, there is something about one on one dates that terrify me. I would rather sit in a box with spiders than go on a solo date. And I'm deathly afraid of spiders. I don't think I would have gone bowling otherwise. But the four of us went and had a blast. The last time I went was New Years Eve with my family, and let's just say that bowling without bumpers is extremely difficult and bowling in general painful with my back. And as always Andrew drank quite a bit. Figures. I wanted to have a good time with everyone sober. Oh well, at least I drove. But the night definitely picked up after that. The four of us went to Applebee's for food which was amazing! I think getting the Philly Burger was one of the best choices of my life.

Once dinner was done we headed back to Eastern and all hung out together in Abby and Amanda's room along with Brian. We watched Mean Girls. I have never seen it before and found it to be a very good movie. I'm not a huge fan of Lindsey Lohan but I felt the movie depicted girls very well. We are caddy beings. That's all there is to it. I concentrated surprisingly well on the movie even being drugged up on Percocets for my back. And in some ways I thinking taking it was one of the best things that I could have done. It definitely made me much more relaxed when I went back to my room with Andrew where we ended up chatting till the early hours of the morning in each others arms. I was nice to just talk, even though his rushin' hands and romin' fingers where all over me. In some ways I really didn't mind. It just felt okay.

This morning was where I realized that everything would be okay; that everything had fallen into place and that I knew it was going to be okay. For the first time, I got to hang out with Andrew completely sober. Both of us had just woken up and the two of us probably laid in bed cuddling for a good long while as we chatted. It was here that I learned things about him that I never knew before. These things are mine to keep. I cannot mention them here. They are mine and mine alone. He trusted me completely and in turn I learned something that made the small weak connection between us stronger. I look at him differently now. Differently in a good way. I can connect with him on an even deeper level. He had been afraid to tell me these things. He wanted to so badly, but he kept getting drunk and avoiding them. Sounds a little like what I would do, huh? Okay, maybe without the alcohol! Now that everything is out in the open I feel like I can open up a little more and let him in. It was a scary new experience for me, but a rewarding one. We made our relationship stronger physically as well. We didn't go all the way. I'm nowhere near ready for that yet, but we did push forward. This is the furthest I have ever gone with a guy before, and I don't think I would have been able to do it if it was anyone else. He made me feel comfortable; made it feel okay. I'm profoundly happy how this weekend went. I feel like life isn't so scary and that I don't have to keep running away. Sometimes everything can be okay.

~Dragon Eyes~

I Think My Boat Just Sunk

Let's just say my college needs to start renting out boats to their students. Either that or they need to fix the drainage on our campus. It is raining so hard outside. It's been like this all week long. Let's just say it sucks big time. I like the rain, but now when you are fighting currents on walkways, waterfalls on the stairs and lakes in the middle of your building complex. Yup. Welcome to New England. I'm so hoping for snow tomorrow. I would like a delayed opening, but a cancellation would be even better. I'm just so tired.

Have you ever had one of those days where your brain just won't shut up? Where it whispers its little doubts and fears and just keeps you dwelling on things you shouldn't be dwelling on anymore. That's what mine has been doing all day. I feel like I am a prisoner of my own mind. I hate it. It's awful to keeping going day by day and fighting just to keep on going and doing my normal activities. The gym, which is the one place where I can turn my brain off for a little bit, couldn't make it stop. I tried to find upbeat music and everything and it all came back to the little things that I couldn't get off my mind.

There was one other puzzling thing that added to everything. Last night I received an instant message from Mike. We haven't talked in a few weeks and suddenly he pokes me and is happy to see that I am alive and kicking. The last time I checked I was still alive. Apparently not. I was shocked that he was talking to me. And he surprised me by doing it again tonight. I won't lie. I am happy to talk to him again. But at the same time I am hesitant. I want to talk to him and hang out with him, but I don't want to get my heart attached to him again. I know deep down that he will always have part of my heart. Part of it will be forever his. I can never change that. But I honestly don't know if I'll ever fully recover from that and completely move on. I'm hoping therapy might help with that over time.

~Dragon Eyes~

The Clothes I Wear...

Dear Laura Ceplenski, you have finish taken The Clothes You Wear Personality Test.
The analysis: You are probably a clever and adventurous person. You love to learn new things, and enjoy socializing with friends. Although you enjoy your freedom, you cherish peacefulness and like to spend time alone with your thoughts.
What others see from your style:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You probably live in your own little world
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Studiously avoid having to search for your own identity
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You may feel that you are not loved
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Being in your imaginary world is your way of coping with this
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You get moody easily
What your nightclothes reveal:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You're in need of love
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You want to be taken care of
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Panic easily
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You have a strong wish for security in your life
What others see from your ties:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You enjoy being alone
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You like to life the simple but good life
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You cherish your freedom
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are thoughtful
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Confident
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Uninterested in glamour
What others see from your belts:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are a lonely
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Demanding person
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are hardworking as well as intelligent
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Can be passionate when in love
What others see from your shoes:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are a person who loves simplicity
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Is sincere
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Open
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are pleasant to be with
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Easygoing
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Always in a good mood
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You neither want to control nor be under someone else's control
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You don't care much about how you look
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Know that it's what's inside someone's heart that's important
What others see from your earrings:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are a sweet
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Talkative person
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are sociable
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Energetic
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Interesting
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Get easily bored by the same old things
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are always looking for adventure

its kind of crazy how accurate it is...

~Dragon Eyes~

From The Heart

"The heart has reasons that reason does not understand."
~Jacques Benigue Bossuel~

Where to even begin? My heart and my head are at war. My head tries to show my heart reason and my heart tries to run away. Running away... That's what I am trying to do. Even though I am not going anywhere, I really am. I am trying to run away and shut everyone out again. I go through these phases when I am unhappy and things are stressing me out. I take off in the other direction faster than you can say "poodle."

Suddenly I am unsure. Unsure about everything. I question and doubt myself constantly. I undermine my abilities and pull myself down. But I am unsure more than anything. I will steal a blog style entry that my besties Abby and Amanda used in their blogs.

I am unsure where my life is going. Graduation is less then three months away now. I will be taking a huge step into the real world. I would love to get a teaching job, but right now that is looking extremely grim at the moment. The state is in debt and the schools are in debt and more and more people keep getting laid off. There is a surplus in history teachers and it's looking as if i might not find any sort of teaching job for a long while.

I am insecure about my body image. Yes, I know this is one of those things people could yell at me about, but every girl has her fair share of body image issues and poor self confidence. I will admit I have no self confidence. I look in the mirror and don't usually like what I see. I try and find something positive to say about myself every day. It's not easy. I look and judge everything about me. This is part of the reason why I live at the gym. I'm trying to make myself look the way I wish I looked. But it just seems that no matter how many times I go and no matter how much I do, I get no results. I feel like I am going backward rather than forward.

I am unsure about my relationship. This, my friends, is the big one. I have only been with Andrew for a week officially. We became official on February 15th. We hung out for the day and I haven't seen him since. We talk all the time through text messaging or aim but that's it. We don't talk on the phone. In some ways I wish we did because aim and text messaging has no tone. Even though we are boyfriend/girlfriend I don't feel like we are. It's hard to describe this feeling. It's almost like I feel like there is no attachment. It's as if we put a title on us just because. I know he likes me a lot. But I am also unsure with how I feel. Did I rush into things with him? Are we together because we like each other or am I with him because it's a boyfriend. I don't have the answer to that. Maybe we need to spend more time with each other and see what happens. So many people feel like we are perfect together. Are we? So many of his friends have friended me on facebook and tell me to take good care of him and everything. There's just so much pressure on me. I hate feeling like this. We haven't talked in quite the same way since the deja vu incident. I don't know what that means. Me personally have backed off. In some ways he became a little too clingy and when that happens I run for the hills. Maybe that's what I am doing now. I don't really know anymore.



My heart is so confused right now. I don't know what to do. I'm just going to keep trucking along and see what happens. Andrew might not even be able to make it on Friday if it snows enough, and I will not have him risk his life to see me. I'm not worth it. This is all straight from my heart. There are no lies here. I really don't know what to do or how to feel. I just wish I really had the answers...

~Dragon Eyes~

It All Started With a Toilet

It's the little things in life you take for granted. That is until they are gone. That's when you realize how important they were. This can be said for mankind's greatest invention: the toilet. And believe me. When it's gone, you wish you had worshiped it more. Why the toilet you ask? Well that's a funny story...

When I came home from work last night I had to pee like none other because I am a silly, scatterbrained Dodo bird and never think to pee at work. So, I came home, ran to the potty, did my business, pushed down the handle to flush and...nothing. The handle simply flopped uselessly around. Great. Here it is 12:15am and the toilet doesn't work. Now I don't fool around with plumbing. The last time I did I got a face full of water. Yup. Not messing with that. So I decided whatever, I'll just leave it. Luckily I ran into my roommate Ginger and discussed it with her. Needless to say the two of us didn't have a clue what to do and decided to leave it.

This morning. I don't even bother with the toilet. Why would I? It doesn't flush. I'll just pee when I get to school. So I went about and did what I had to do, got ready and all that fun stuff. Well I was in my room packing up my school stuff when there's a knock at my door. It's Jeanette. And that's when she was like if the toilet didn't flush you should have told me and then proceeded to go on in like the dummy terms about how to fix it. At 6am, I am cranky and tired. I am not a morning person at all. That was just what I needed at 6am. One more thing to discuss at therapy.

Well, I went to therapy and it was good. It was nice to be able to talk to someone. They just sort of took down everything that I talked about and wanted help with. The doctor was really nice and was very genuine about wanted to help and that we would help get everything all sorted out. Now that's a relief and a half. Apparently they review all the new cases on Friday and then find someone for me to work with. Sounds good to me. I feel a little bit better knowing that I am not a complete brain case. We are going to try and deal with my roommate situation as well as the situation with Mike and Andrew. We will see how that goes.

~Dragon Eyes~

Deja Vu

I just had the worst deju vu in my entire life. I was talking to Andrew on aim and he suddenly commented on how this girl was texting him things like "miss you with a heart" and such. And then he went on and complained that he didn't know why she was bothering him but that she was annoying and he had never done anything with her. Suddenly, it wasn't Andrew I was talking to anymore. It was Mike. Mike and that stupid 16 year old bimbo he was texting and such and saying that she was annoying and he had never done anything with her. I freaked out. It was suddenly him again and that wave of anger and sorrow flooded back into place. I told Andrew about it and he told me he would never do anything with that girl and would never cheat on me. I know he speaks the truth. At least my brain does. My heart doesn't and that makes me really sad. My trust has once again been shaken to the core. I know he feels bad for bringing up those memories but how could he have known? What a great way to end the night...

~Dragon Eyes~

Why Can't I Allow Myself To Be Happy?

I've wondered why a thousand times. Over and over again I wonder and over and over again I can't seem to find an answer. It's like an itch that is out of reach. All you want to do is scratch it and unfortunately you can never reach it. It's like that firefly you always chased as a kid. No matter how close you managed to get to it it always flitted away and out of reach.

Why can't I allow myself to be happy?

That is the question that plagues my being. It keeps sleep from taking me even when I am beyond exhausted. It's that one question that always haunts me. It hides deep within the recesses of my mind and comes out when I least expect it. Just when I think I have slipped free from it, it comes back to me. That same never ending question with no answer.

Why can't I allow myself to be happy?

I have everything in life that a girl could want. I have a loving family and friends who would do anything for me. I have my horses and Grady and Beau are my entire life. I couldn't imagine life without either of them. They are my life. I have nice things at home. I have a nice car and a good computer. I have a cell phone and an ipod. I am at a good college and I am graduating in May. I have a boyfriend who loves me as well. He talks to me all the time and is so sweet. But with all of that, I can't find happiness. There is just something that won't allow me to be happy.

There are so many things that my mind dwells on. They tumble over each other, screaming to be heard. So many voices all at once. I can't think. I just want to curl up in a ball and wish them all away. Wish it all away... Unfortunately it isn't that easy. I have to get out of bed, or rather drag myself out of bed, and go about my day. I try to find things that are positive, but it's so hard to look forward when all you want to do is look back.

Two of the big things that I am struggling with right now are my boyfriend and the last guy I was with. My heart is torn. My heart is broken. My boyfriend Andrew is sweet and kind. He tells me I'm pretty everyday and is always there for me when I need someone. But even though we are together I don't know a lot about him. I don't feel completely at ease around him. He goes in for a feelski and I squirm away or flinch back. I don't know whether I am afraid of his touch or what. I've never been hit or anything, there's just something that freaks me out about being touched...by anyone. I wish I could explain it. But I can't and it becomes one more thing that keeps me up at night. I know he wants more from me, but I don't know what to do about it. I wish I could explain myself, but I don't know how. And I don't want to lose him.

The other thing that keeps me looking back over my shoulder is the last guy I was with. Mike and I were never official. I feel like I should throw it out there. He was my best friend. I could always go to him when I was upset or needing comfort. We did so many things together and had so much in common. I will admit that I fell in love. I have never crushed so hard on anyone in my life. There was just something about his smile and his laugh that drew me in. Even when he was being stupid and pissing me off to no end, he would smile and I would melt. If I could spend my life with him I would be happy. But nothing in life is ever easy. If life was easy it would be a slut. And if life was easy I wouldn't be feeling this way and blogging to the world about it. Mike and I never worked out. He would tell me he liked me and then stated he didn't want to date me because he felt it would ruin our friendship. Eventually it all came to a head. Towards the end of last semester the two of us got drunk together and made out and basically confessed how much we liked each other. Things were good between us. And then break happened. We talked here and there over break but nothing big. And when the new semester rolled around I went to visit him the night we all moved back in and I found the wall that I had finally breached back up in place. There was nothing. No kissing, no anything. That night I was livid and upset. Why? What had happened? It was a huge blow. I wanted to be with him so bad but he had once again pushed me away. I visited him again the second week and that was when I left his room and decided I would no longer chase after him and pine for him. To what point and purpose? None. I was done with being hurt and crying over him. No more. Unfortunately, walking away from someone that you fell in love with for a year and a half is not an easy feat. My heart still cries for him. I want to be with him but at the same time I don't want to be with him; can't be with him. I haven't talked to him in well over a week; not since Andrew and I started going out. I want to talk to him. I miss talking to him and I miss hanging out with him and doing the things we used to do. I really truly do. And I just don't know what to do about it. Thinking about Mike and writing all of this down has brought me to the verge of tears. I hate myself for this weakness. I should be stronger than that. But that kid has stolen my heart and soul and I am fighting to get them back, though in some ways I don't think I ever will get it all back.

Tomorrow is my first therapy session at 3:30pm. I have a lot to talk about, but I need to. Maybe I will find some of the answers I am seeking. I really hope so. I hate feeling like this and being sad. I love being happy. I'm a happy person. This isn't me. I try and hide it from people and I am usually pretty good at it. I've done it for so long now that I should be good at it. I just hope therapy can help me. My friend and former RA has recently gone and was very happy she did. I'm hoping I can find the same happiness with it that she can. Tomorrow cannot come soon enough.

~Dragon Eyes~

Panic

I have finished all of my lesson plans and such for tomorrow and I have panicked for the last two days and freaked out about nothing in particular. That's just what happens when I freak out. I get tunnel vision and can't see anything else but what I am freaking out about. After I calmed down and watched some women's curling with my roomie Reeni and our friend Alex, I felt better and realized that I know a lot more about Ancient Greece and Rome then I let on to myself. Yes. I am a very silly girl sometimes.

I know it is late and I should be asleep because I need to get up at 5am for student teaching tomorrow, but I am wired. Probably because I was in panic mode over my lesson plan. I can tweak things in the morning and I have all day to look over the material and relax before I teach. I can do it. That's all there is to it. I have to do it and I can do it. I hope it goes well for me tomorrow, but I will just have to wait and see.

~Dragon Eyes~

A Boston Girl in a New York City World

"Now you're in New York/these streets will make you feel brand new/the lights will inspire you/lets hear it for New York."
~Jay-Z - Empire State of Mind~

You want to know something funny? I never really liked that song. It would come on the radio and I would listen to it, but I would never feel any love for it. Boston is where my heart lies. Boston is still where my heart lies, but New York City is something special. In walking down the crowded streets of the city and seeing the sites and hearing the sounds, I was just so taken in. I could have walked all day and never gotten bored. There were just so many stores and different types of people to see!

5th Avenue. I've been on 5th Avenue only once before and really don't remember much of it. Today, however, we walked all over and saw everything! I have never seen more expensive and prestigious stores in one place before! I don't know who can afford all of these things but I would really love to be able to go into Tiffany's and buy a very beautiful ring or necklace. I probably will never ever be able to get something that nice, but then again you never know.

By the way, FAO Schwartz is one of the coolest stores in the entire world! I really wish I would have been able to have gone there when I was younger. That didn't stop me from getting a giant stuffed pink dog! I just can't help myself when it comes to stuffed animals. I just love them to death!

Today was a good day. I love being out of Connecticut and in different states and cities. It takes me away from the reality of the world that I live in and gives me a chance to just get away. I'm going to be sad to go back to Connecticut and go back to student teaching on Monday. I have to write up a lesson plan for Monday which I haven't done yet and am not really sure how to go about doing it. There's only so much I know about Ancient Greece and Rome. And I'm being observed on top of it all. Just lovely.

~Dragon Eyes~

The Garden State

Welcome to the Garden State. It's a beautiful state with tons of potential and currently has more snow than Connecticut, which I find quite intriguing. How can a state further south than Connecticut, that usually doesn't get that much snow, has more snow? I don't know but it's okay with me. It is warmer. I will say that much.

It was a long trip. A very long trip. Four hours crammed into a car. Sure it's a Toyota Sienna mini van, but it's still a cramped place to be for four hours. I think what made it worse was the fact that I am a freak of nature and have destroyed my body little by little. I am still dealing with the pulled muscle in my mid back, but I somehow managed to pull a chest (pectoral) muscle. It's a pain. It hurts to inhale and it hurts to exhale and apparently being in a car makes the pain that much worse. And let's just say that sleeping in cars is awful. I believe that they should make car seats with sleeping in mind. I would be very happy with that fact.

Tomorrow I venture into the city. New York City. That's a little terrifying. I don't like big cities. They scare me because I just feel so small and insignificant in them. And then it's New York. I'm in Yankee territory. I'm a Red Sox fan. Oh boy.

~Dragon Eyes~

Passion and Fire

"Nothing great in the world has ever been accomplished without passion."
~Hebbel~

Passion. It's that fire that we see burning behind the eyes. It's what keeps people going when everything else seems hopeless. That passion is what drives us to do better, jump higher, run faster, but most of all it's what keeps us from giving up. It gives us that drive that we need to laugh in the face of death; to fear absolutely nothing. Passion allows us to blot all else out and be one with what we are doing.

Tonight was the finals for the men's figure skating: the free program. The gold medal was on everyone's minds. Who was going to claim it? Would it be Russia's Evgeni Plushenko defending his gold medal title or would it be Evan Lysacek from the United States trying to win the first gold medal in men's figure skating since the 1980s?

In watching the men skate, I saw the passion in their faces as they went out onto the ice and did what they loved most in the world. There was nothing else. It was just them and the ice. The rest of the world was merely standing still, holding its breath. Evan skated his heart out. He stepped on that ice and showed the world what passion really was. He skated his best and in the end it paid off. He claimed the first gold medal in men's figure skating for the United States since the 1890s. No other person deserved it more than he did.

Watching him take the podium and have the gold medal rest around his neck as the national anthem was played was one of the most powerful and emotional feelings in the world. Everyone dreams that one day they could be standing in that spot, the national anthem playing for all to hear. You are on top of the world and you will be remembered for all Olympic history. But as long as we have passion, it doesn't matter if we ever make it to the Olympics. Sometimes winning the smallest victories matter more to us than winning the whole thing.

~Dragon Eyes~

Lazy Days

"I am simple, complex, generous, selfish, unattractive, beautiful, lazy and driven."

I do and don't like lazy days. Lazy days are nice especially when you have things that need to be done. You have all the time in the world and everything can be done with the minimal amount of stress. There's only one problem. When you have completed everything that you have set out to do, you find yourself suddenly with nothing to do. And in many ways, having nothing to do is the worst thing in the world.

Nothing to do. There is nothing left to occupy your mind; keep it busy. It's left to wander and to dwell on things that it should never be allowed to dwell on. You suddenly find yourself questioning yourself; wondering if things are the way they should be. You find yourself thinking about things you never think about, or shouldn't be thinking about anymore. You stray into territory that is now off limits. It's hard when you keep thinking about a person you shouldn't be thinking of anymore.

Why do you haunt me? Why can't I banish your face from my thoughts? Is there something you are trying to tell me? I don't want to think about you anymore. You have hurt me in more ways than I can ever explain. You have caused me so much damage that I am once again seeking help; seeking therapy. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to think about you and what we had and what we could have had. It will only drive me crazy. I have someone better now. Someone who truly loves me. So why do I still look back at you?

~Dragon Eyes~

The Passions of Life

"The music is all around us. All you have to do is listen."

~August Rush~

Music is what the feelings of the world sound like. They take you in and let you go on a wild ride of the imagination; over hills and valleys and to places you never thought you would go. Without music this world would be empty; lost and lonely. We need music. It gets us through the days and nights. It lifts us up when we are down and it gives us reason to hope. Music allows us to put into words what truly lies within our hearts.

Tonight I got to experience one of the most incredible concerts in my entire life. I went to Mohegan Sun, the second largest casino in the world, and got to experience Flyleaf, Breaking Benjamin and Three Days Grace live in concert. These three bands went out on that stage and did the one thing they love the most: sing. They sang their hearts out and brought the gift of their music to the people of Connecticut. They opened their hearts and let forth the words that many of us find hard to speak.

Tonight I got to witness incredible music, but I got to witness one more thing. I got to witness passion. Those bands were up there on stage doing the one thing they loved the most. They were singing and playing. And no matter where their lives take them and what happens to them along the way, they can also turn back to their music. Music is one of those things that never leaves you. It may slip away into the shadows and hide for a while, but it never truly abandons you. It can't. You created it and harnessed it into something incredible and it can never separate itself from you.

Watching these people thrive in their passions made me realize my own passions in life and how I want them to become something. I love music and want to pick up my violin again and bring to life the music I set aside almost four years ago. I want to keep learning. The guitar is something that has always fascinated me and I want to try my hand at it. I want to keep on riding my horses and keep on learning how to improve at what I do. But most of all I want to keep writing. Writing is where I can put everything down and get it out of my head. Writing allows me to express my thoughts and feelings to the world when word of mouth cannot do them justice. I just wish I could find more time to write and keep my readers on fictionpress entertained. This blog gives me time to sit down and keep and writing, even if it's just something little. It keeps me holding on; never letting go.

~Dragon Eyes~

Valentine's Day Weekend

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in."
~Morrie Schwartz~

Love is one of those things that comes at you from out of nowhere. You never see it coming until it is too late for you to do anything about it. It sneaks up on you and takes you by surprise. It also comes when you least expect it. That is what happened to me this weekend.

Usually I try to avoid Valentine's Day like the plague. The holiday has never held anything for me. There was never a special someone in my life that warranted me doing anything but eating manly food such as cheeseburgers and watching hard core action movies that usually have Bruce Willis. That is what I do and I do it every year without fail. Until this year. This year there was a guy who wanted to spend it with me. He came up to school on Saturday, bringing me roses and a very corny and adorable card. Sunday he took me out to dinner. And this morning he asked me out.

It still feels surreal. I feel like I am going to wake up in the morning and it's all going to be just a dream. I'm still afraid. I know he would never do anything to hurt me. He told me so over and over again and has been hurt enough times that he knows how it feels. It took a lot for me to say yes and to take a chance. A leap of faith. I don't believe in faith and god so it's hard to take that leap. I can't see where I'm going and the unknown terrifies me beyond belief.

I am afraid to mess up and disappoint. I am afraid to let love in. The last boy I was with hurt me deeply and completely. He hurt me enough for me to never want to open myself up again and let anyone else have a chance. What if that person does it to me again? How much more can I possible go through? The good thing is that he understands and respects me. He will go slow for me and let me be comfortable. I am still a mystery to him. He wants to figure me out and I know that it will take a long time, if ever, for that to happen. I am hoping going back to therapy will help me understand myself and everything else. I also know I have my two best friends with me every step of the way. They were the ones who told me to take a chance and give it a try. I love them to death and they knew this would happen and I know they won't leave me alone. There are so many people around me and I know they will all help me. All I have to do is trust myself and be confident in myself. That will be hard, but it will be well worth it in the end.

~Dragon Eyes~

Bravery

Bravery is one of those things that comes to people when they least expect it. It creeps in the shadows, waiting and watching until the moment is right. Then it strikes. It comes for the people who need it most; the people who feel as if all hope is lost and that they can't take another step. Bravery lets us dream upon a star or keep holding on. It allows us to take risks and take chances that under normal situations we wouldn't make because we were too scared to try. Bravery makes us take that one finally step; the one we never thought we could take.

Look forward. Look at the good in life and the fun times that you will face along your journey. Looking forward is hard. The future is unknown. It's a mystery and that's what holds people back. Looking back is easy. The past is written and the past cannot be undone. That is unless you have a time machine. Then you could go back and change things. But unfortunately time machines are a thing of the movies and we can't go back and change things. We can't change the mistakes that we made. We just have to move on and keep going and hope for the best. It's hard. Believe me it's hard. The past is a hard thing to forget.

I live with it every day. Most of the things I see and do remind me of the last guy I really truly liked. We were never officially together, but we had a history of being on and off. He would say he liked me and then he would take it back. Over and over again. I don't like to cry. It makes me feel weak and defenseless. That boy made me cry more than any other boy ever could and probably ever will. There was just something about him that made me keep on coming back even though I kept telling myself over and over again that I was done with him. Right before winter break the two of us became really close. We made out and such and I felt as if this was finally turning into something. Winter break came and went and when we met up again, it wasn't the same. There was no making out, no connection. It was as if I had known him and then suddenly didn't anymore. It was the worst hurt ever. I felt as if my heart had shattered. But that was what suddenly made me see that I was through. That I had been hurt for the last time and that this time I was not going to be walking back through that door for more. It was one of the hardest things that I ever had to, but it was the right decision. That time when I left his room I knew that if I came back, i would be coming back a different person. I would not be that girl left pining over this person. I would come back a friend and only a friend. I haven't been back. I have talked to him on AIM only sporadically. It's part of the process; part of the healing.

I am afraid with this new boy in my life. I really am. We are not official but I'm sure that will happen at some point. I am afraid of being hurt again. I am afraid to open myself up to him and let someone else in. It will be hard, but I am going to take it slow and see where it all leads me. Who knows? I may surprise myself!

~Dragon Eyes~

Heroes

"I believe there is a hero in all of us."

Look in the mirror. What do you see? That's a question we all ask ourselves. Who is that person staring back at us? But can we always see the real person; the person that we hide underneath the make-up and trendy clothes? Can we see the real person beneath the mask that we don every day, or has that mask become the real person? So many questions and some many answers. It's hard to look into the mirror and take a good hard look at the person staring back at them. We are afraid of what and who we see, because maybe the person looking back is someone we don't want to see.

So many faces, so many personalities. And that's what you see when those athletes from all those countries march out, waving their flags and showing off their pride and excitement to take part in one of the most incredible international sporting events in the world. Over eighty nations have gathered in one place to compete for the fabled gold medal. Differences and wars are set aside, as for two weeks these special people have a chance to make history; stand out from all the rest. They have the chance to be a hero.

Look in the mirror. What do you see? I see a hero. I see someone who will change the world in the biggest way with the smallest step. I see someone who will stand up for themselves and others even when it seems all hope is lost. I seem someone who will keep holding on. Someone who won't let go and won't give in. Someone who will live as if it's their only day to live. Someone who will take risks. Someone who will open up their heart and allowed to be loved once more even though they have been hurt so deeply that they feel as if they could never continue on.

I am my own hero and right now I need to be the strongest hero in the world. I need to allow myself to be loved by someone and let someone take care of me for once in my life. I promise I won't push them away like I do with everyone else. Maybe this time will be different. Maybe this time I won't feel my heart shatter into a thousand pieces.

RIP Nodar Kumaritashvili...you will always be remembered by the sport of Luge, the Olympics and the entire world forever. Georgia walked into that stadium with so much love and support tonight. Hold tight.

~Dragon Eyes~

Anything is Possible

Yes, I know this will be my second blog entry for today but I feel like this is something that is worthy of posting. I talked to my roommate. I got up the guts and went and did it. I swallowed my pride and apologized and explained my feelings. Apparently the things that each of us did caused the other one to relive a past experience we never wanted to relive again. After talking and communicating we figured everything out and we are now back on even footing. I can now go home and see my horses with a clean conscience knowing that there are no hard feelings between the two of us. I love her so much and I am so glad that things could be straightened out. Thank you for not giving up on me, hun.

~Dragon Eyes~

The Stranglehold

Anxiety. It's something we all feel and experience. Sometimes more than we should experience. Right now anxiety is my cage and it has trapped me behind bars thicker than steel and stronger than anything else on earth. Never in my life have I felt this way before, even when I moved off and went on to college. That was very stressful but nothing like this. This is such an overpowering emotion that I can't escape from. I feel like I am drowning, but I'm not under water. I feel like I'm being strangled but there are no hands around my throat. Only those who deal with anxiety on a regular basis would understand what I am talking about.

I really want to talk to my roommate and explain things to her. I really do, but right now I feel like she is unapproachable. I know what I want to say to her and how to put it all non aggressive "I" statements. I just can't get her alone and I don't want to do it with my other roommate around. She will just try to butt in and make it about her. That's something I don't need either. She's already probably put thought's in my other roommate's head. Ugh. I hate it all. I wish life wasn't so damned complicated.

On a happier note I had a 2 hour delay so I got to sleep later before student teaching and then I went to the mall after I picked up my paycheck. I deposited it so now I have some money and I went and bought a cookbook and then met my bestie at TJ Maxx to look for stuff for Valentine's day. I ended up finding the most gorgeous black dress ever and a red shirt. The boy isn't going to know what to do with himself when I put that dress on! Be he won't be getting anything from me. I've only known him for a little bit and it will take more than just a few times hanging out for him to get sex. If he really likes me, he will respect that. I hope he does, though now he says he wants several pics of me without clothing. Oh my.

~Dragon Eyes~

From The Beginning

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"

Now that is something everyone should take to heart, even though we don't always do. We go through life and most of the time we are cowed into behaving a certain way and letting people walk all over us. It's a hard thing to stand up to someone and tell them how you really feel. Especially to their face. That is not an easy thing to do, even for me. I will admit that I am an aggressive and confrontational person. That is just in my nature and that's how I respond. If I feel threatened I will do anything and everything in my power to defend myself. And usually, like today, it ends up snowballing into something that it never should have snowballed into in the first place. Unfortunately that is what happened to me today.

Things were going great. A snow day with no snow. I'm not complaining. I got to sleep in and actually feel rested after waking up at 5am day in and day out. Student teaching is definitely hard work, and exhausting work. I woke up feeling good until I saw the note written on my whiteboard, telling me to clean up stuff that wasn't mine. I don't like notes and their passive-aggressive demeanor. I have had that done to me over and over and over again and it is the surest possible way to piss off an aggressive person. And it did. Then instead of being the confrontational person that I am, I went through a passive-aggressive route that spiraled out of control. I knew what I did was wrong, but at the same time I was through with everything with my roommates and I flipped. I spent most of the day in my friend's room until I had to return to my room where I was cornered and ripped a new one without being allowed to get a word in edge-wise. Needless to say I was pissed and vented forever with my friends. I was coerced to come back to the room and here I am posting this. I've never blogged before and I find it strangely relaxing because I love to write and this is something that allows me to relax and post this without judgment.

Here, no one knows who I am and no one can accuse me of anything. Usually. I still don't feel safe in this room. It's almost like I am trapped with no way to escape. The girl I need to sit and talk with has not approached me after she worked tirelessly to get me to come back. I don't want to instigate things because I'm wound tighter than a spring. I know I need to fix things but not when the other roommate is in the room. I don't need her judgment and she has plenty already. Yes. I am having a rough time. It's my senior year of college and I feel like I should not have to put up with all of this. I know I need to fix things. I explained to her what I did was wrong and that coming back to the room makes me anxious. She knows this. I do not feel safe here. That is a fact. And that is enough to make anyone anxious.

I'm holding it all together. Because Dragon Eyes is a fearless warrior. No one needs to see the frightened person that I am right now. I can do it and I will manage. I will make it to Friday and be able to go home for a little bit to be in a happier environment. And then come back here Saturday. But even while I am dreading that fact it will be okay because my new boy is coming up for part of the weekend and spending it with me. :) I will admit now that I have never had a real boyfriend or any guy interested in me enough to want to be with me. So I am excited and looking forward to seeing him again and spending time with him. He just makes me so happy and doesn't judge me. He's one of those rare people that looks at me and looks past the cowed, quiet exterior and sees the fire and the passion within. Yes, corny, I know. But as a creative writer I love it! We will just have to see how everything turns out in the end.

~Dragon Eyes~