"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"
Now that is something everyone should take to heart, even though we don't always do. We go through life and most of the time we are cowed into behaving a certain way and letting people walk all over us. It's a hard thing to stand up to someone and tell them how you really feel. Especially to their face. That is not an easy thing to do, even for me. I will admit that I am an aggressive and confrontational person. That is just in my nature and that's how I respond. If I feel threatened I will do anything and everything in my power to defend myself. And usually, like today, it ends up snowballing into something that it never should have snowballed into in the first place. Unfortunately that is what happened to me today.
Things were going great. A snow day with no snow. I'm not complaining. I got to sleep in and actually feel rested after waking up at 5am day in and day out. Student teaching is definitely hard work, and exhausting work. I woke up feeling good until I saw the note written on my whiteboard, telling me to clean up stuff that wasn't mine. I don't like notes and their passive-aggressive demeanor. I have had that done to me over and over and over again and it is the surest possible way to piss off an aggressive person. And it did. Then instead of being the confrontational person that I am, I went through a passive-aggressive route that spiraled out of control. I knew what I did was wrong, but at the same time I was through with everything with my roommates and I flipped. I spent most of the day in my friend's room until I had to return to my room where I was cornered and ripped a new one without being allowed to get a word in edge-wise. Needless to say I was pissed and vented forever with my friends. I was coerced to come back to the room and here I am posting this. I've never blogged before and I find it strangely relaxing because I love to write and this is something that allows me to relax and post this without judgment.
Here, no one knows who I am and no one can accuse me of anything. Usually. I still don't feel safe in this room. It's almost like I am trapped with no way to escape. The girl I need to sit and talk with has not approached me after she worked tirelessly to get me to come back. I don't want to instigate things because I'm wound tighter than a spring. I know I need to fix things but not when the other roommate is in the room. I don't need her judgment and she has plenty already. Yes. I am having a rough time. It's my senior year of college and I feel like I should not have to put up with all of this. I know I need to fix things. I explained to her what I did was wrong and that coming back to the room makes me anxious. She knows this. I do not feel safe here. That is a fact. And that is enough to make anyone anxious.
I'm holding it all together. Because Dragon Eyes is a fearless warrior. No one needs to see the frightened person that I am right now. I can do it and I will manage. I will make it to Friday and be able to go home for a little bit to be in a happier environment. And then come back here Saturday. But even while I am dreading that fact it will be okay because my new boy is coming up for part of the weekend and spending it with me. :) I will admit now that I have never had a real boyfriend or any guy interested in me enough to want to be with me. So I am excited and looking forward to seeing him again and spending time with him. He just makes me so happy and doesn't judge me. He's one of those rare people that looks at me and looks past the cowed, quiet exterior and sees the fire and the passion within. Yes, corny, I know. But as a creative writer I love it! We will just have to see how everything turns out in the end.
~Dragon Eyes~
Things were going great. A snow day with no snow. I'm not complaining. I got to sleep in and actually feel rested after waking up at 5am day in and day out. Student teaching is definitely hard work, and exhausting work. I woke up feeling good until I saw the note written on my whiteboard, telling me to clean up stuff that wasn't mine. I don't like notes and their passive-aggressive demeanor. I have had that done to me over and over and over again and it is the surest possible way to piss off an aggressive person. And it did. Then instead of being the confrontational person that I am, I went through a passive-aggressive route that spiraled out of control. I knew what I did was wrong, but at the same time I was through with everything with my roommates and I flipped. I spent most of the day in my friend's room until I had to return to my room where I was cornered and ripped a new one without being allowed to get a word in edge-wise. Needless to say I was pissed and vented forever with my friends. I was coerced to come back to the room and here I am posting this. I've never blogged before and I find it strangely relaxing because I love to write and this is something that allows me to relax and post this without judgment.
Here, no one knows who I am and no one can accuse me of anything. Usually. I still don't feel safe in this room. It's almost like I am trapped with no way to escape. The girl I need to sit and talk with has not approached me after she worked tirelessly to get me to come back. I don't want to instigate things because I'm wound tighter than a spring. I know I need to fix things but not when the other roommate is in the room. I don't need her judgment and she has plenty already. Yes. I am having a rough time. It's my senior year of college and I feel like I should not have to put up with all of this. I know I need to fix things. I explained to her what I did was wrong and that coming back to the room makes me anxious. She knows this. I do not feel safe here. That is a fact. And that is enough to make anyone anxious.
I'm holding it all together. Because Dragon Eyes is a fearless warrior. No one needs to see the frightened person that I am right now. I can do it and I will manage. I will make it to Friday and be able to go home for a little bit to be in a happier environment. And then come back here Saturday. But even while I am dreading that fact it will be okay because my new boy is coming up for part of the weekend and spending it with me. :) I will admit now that I have never had a real boyfriend or any guy interested in me enough to want to be with me. So I am excited and looking forward to seeing him again and spending time with him. He just makes me so happy and doesn't judge me. He's one of those rare people that looks at me and looks past the cowed, quiet exterior and sees the fire and the passion within. Yes, corny, I know. But as a creative writer I love it! We will just have to see how everything turns out in the end.
~Dragon Eyes~
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