Why can't I allow myself to be happy?
That is the question that plagues my being. It keeps sleep from taking me even when I am beyond exhausted. It's that one question that always haunts me. It hides deep within the recesses of my mind and comes out when I least expect it. Just when I think I have slipped free from it, it comes back to me. That same never ending question with no answer.
Why can't I allow myself to be happy?
I have everything in life that a girl could want. I have a loving family and friends who would do anything for me. I have my horses and Grady and Beau are my entire life. I couldn't imagine life without either of them. They are my life. I have nice things at home. I have a nice car and a good computer. I have a cell phone and an ipod. I am at a good college and I am graduating in May. I have a boyfriend who loves me as well. He talks to me all the time and is so sweet. But with all of that, I can't find happiness. There is just something that won't allow me to be happy.
There are so many things that my mind dwells on. They tumble over each other, screaming to be heard. So many voices all at once. I can't think. I just want to curl up in a ball and wish them all away. Wish it all away... Unfortunately it isn't that easy. I have to get out of bed, or rather drag myself out of bed, and go about my day. I try to find things that are positive, but it's so hard to look forward when all you want to do is look back.
Two of the big things that I am struggling with right now are my boyfriend and the last guy I was with. My heart is torn. My heart is broken. My boyfriend Andrew is sweet and kind. He tells me I'm pretty everyday and is always there for me when I need someone. But even though we are together I don't know a lot about him. I don't feel completely at ease around him. He goes in for a feelski and I squirm away or flinch back. I don't know whether I am afraid of his touch or what. I've never been hit or anything, there's just something that freaks me out about being touched...by anyone. I wish I could explain it. But I can't and it becomes one more thing that keeps me up at night. I know he wants more from me, but I don't know what to do about it. I wish I could explain myself, but I don't know how. And I don't want to lose him.
The other thing that keeps me looking back over my shoulder is the last guy I was with. Mike and I were never official. I feel like I should throw it out there. He was my best friend. I could always go to him when I was upset or needing comfort. We did so many things together and had so much in common. I will admit that I fell in love. I have never crushed so hard on anyone in my life. There was just something about his smile and his laugh that drew me in. Even when he was being stupid and pissing me off to no end, he would smile and I would melt. If I could spend my life with him I would be happy. But nothing in life is ever easy. If life was easy it would be a slut. And if life was easy I wouldn't be feeling this way and blogging to the world about it. Mike and I never worked out. He would tell me he liked me and then stated he didn't want to date me because he felt it would ruin our friendship. Eventually it all came to a head. Towards the end of last semester the two of us got drunk together and made out and basically confessed how much we liked each other. Things were good between us. And then break happened. We talked here and there over break but nothing big. And when the new semester rolled around I went to visit him the night we all moved back in and I found the wall that I had finally breached back up in place. There was nothing. No kissing, no anything. That night I was livid and upset. Why? What had happened? It was a huge blow. I wanted to be with him so bad but he had once again pushed me away. I visited him again the second week and that was when I left his room and decided I would no longer chase after him and pine for him. To what point and purpose? None. I was done with being hurt and crying over him. No more. Unfortunately, walking away from someone that you fell in love with for a year and a half is not an easy feat. My heart still cries for him. I want to be with him but at the same time I don't want to be with him; can't be with him. I haven't talked to him in well over a week; not since Andrew and I started going out. I want to talk to him. I miss talking to him and I miss hanging out with him and doing the things we used to do. I really truly do. And I just don't know what to do about it. Thinking about Mike and writing all of this down has brought me to the verge of tears. I hate myself for this weakness. I should be stronger than that. But that kid has stolen my heart and soul and I am fighting to get them back, though in some ways I don't think I ever will get it all back.
Tomorrow is my first therapy session at 3:30pm. I have a lot to talk about, but I need to. Maybe I will find some of the answers I am seeking. I really hope so. I hate feeling like this and being sad. I love being happy. I'm a happy person. This isn't me. I try and hide it from people and I am usually pretty good at it. I've done it for so long now that I should be good at it. I just hope therapy can help me. My friend and former RA has recently gone and was very happy she did. I'm hoping I can find the same happiness with it that she can. Tomorrow cannot come soon enough.
~Dragon Eyes~
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