"The heart has reasons that reason does not understand."
~Jacques Benigue Bossuel~
~Jacques Benigue Bossuel~
Where to even begin? My heart and my head are at war. My head tries to show my heart reason and my heart tries to run away. Running away... That's what I am trying to do. Even though I am not going anywhere, I really am. I am trying to run away and shut everyone out again. I go through these phases when I am unhappy and things are stressing me out. I take off in the other direction faster than you can say "poodle."
Suddenly I am unsure. Unsure about everything. I question and doubt myself constantly. I undermine my abilities and pull myself down. But I am unsure more than anything. I will steal a blog style entry that my besties Abby and Amanda used in their blogs.
I am unsure where my life is going. Graduation is less then three months away now. I will be taking a huge step into the real world. I would love to get a teaching job, but right now that is looking extremely grim at the moment. The state is in debt and the schools are in debt and more and more people keep getting laid off. There is a surplus in history teachers and it's looking as if i might not find any sort of teaching job for a long while.
I am insecure about my body image. Yes, I know this is one of those things people could yell at me about, but every girl has her fair share of body image issues and poor self confidence. I will admit I have no self confidence. I look in the mirror and don't usually like what I see. I try and find something positive to say about myself every day. It's not easy. I look and judge everything about me. This is part of the reason why I live at the gym. I'm trying to make myself look the way I wish I looked. But it just seems that no matter how many times I go and no matter how much I do, I get no results. I feel like I am going backward rather than forward.
I am unsure about my relationship. This, my friends, is the big one. I have only been with Andrew for a week officially. We became official on February 15th. We hung out for the day and I haven't seen him since. We talk all the time through text messaging or aim but that's it. We don't talk on the phone. In some ways I wish we did because aim and text messaging has no tone. Even though we are boyfriend/girlfriend I don't feel like we are. It's hard to describe this feeling. It's almost like I feel like there is no attachment. It's as if we put a title on us just because. I know he likes me a lot. But I am also unsure with how I feel. Did I rush into things with him? Are we together because we like each other or am I with him because it's a boyfriend. I don't have the answer to that. Maybe we need to spend more time with each other and see what happens. So many people feel like we are perfect together. Are we? So many of his friends have friended me on facebook and tell me to take good care of him and everything. There's just so much pressure on me. I hate feeling like this. We haven't talked in quite the same way since the deja vu incident. I don't know what that means. Me personally have backed off. In some ways he became a little too clingy and when that happens I run for the hills. Maybe that's what I am doing now. I don't really know anymore.
My heart is so confused right now. I don't know what to do. I'm just going to keep trucking along and see what happens. Andrew might not even be able to make it on Friday if it snows enough, and I will not have him risk his life to see me. I'm not worth it. This is all straight from my heart. There are no lies here. I really don't know what to do or how to feel. I just wish I really had the answers...
Suddenly I am unsure. Unsure about everything. I question and doubt myself constantly. I undermine my abilities and pull myself down. But I am unsure more than anything. I will steal a blog style entry that my besties Abby and Amanda used in their blogs.
I am unsure where my life is going. Graduation is less then three months away now. I will be taking a huge step into the real world. I would love to get a teaching job, but right now that is looking extremely grim at the moment. The state is in debt and the schools are in debt and more and more people keep getting laid off. There is a surplus in history teachers and it's looking as if i might not find any sort of teaching job for a long while.
I am insecure about my body image. Yes, I know this is one of those things people could yell at me about, but every girl has her fair share of body image issues and poor self confidence. I will admit I have no self confidence. I look in the mirror and don't usually like what I see. I try and find something positive to say about myself every day. It's not easy. I look and judge everything about me. This is part of the reason why I live at the gym. I'm trying to make myself look the way I wish I looked. But it just seems that no matter how many times I go and no matter how much I do, I get no results. I feel like I am going backward rather than forward.
I am unsure about my relationship. This, my friends, is the big one. I have only been with Andrew for a week officially. We became official on February 15th. We hung out for the day and I haven't seen him since. We talk all the time through text messaging or aim but that's it. We don't talk on the phone. In some ways I wish we did because aim and text messaging has no tone. Even though we are boyfriend/girlfriend I don't feel like we are. It's hard to describe this feeling. It's almost like I feel like there is no attachment. It's as if we put a title on us just because. I know he likes me a lot. But I am also unsure with how I feel. Did I rush into things with him? Are we together because we like each other or am I with him because it's a boyfriend. I don't have the answer to that. Maybe we need to spend more time with each other and see what happens. So many people feel like we are perfect together. Are we? So many of his friends have friended me on facebook and tell me to take good care of him and everything. There's just so much pressure on me. I hate feeling like this. We haven't talked in quite the same way since the deja vu incident. I don't know what that means. Me personally have backed off. In some ways he became a little too clingy and when that happens I run for the hills. Maybe that's what I am doing now. I don't really know anymore.
My heart is so confused right now. I don't know what to do. I'm just going to keep trucking along and see what happens. Andrew might not even be able to make it on Friday if it snows enough, and I will not have him risk his life to see me. I'm not worth it. This is all straight from my heart. There are no lies here. I really don't know what to do or how to feel. I just wish I really had the answers...
~Dragon Eyes~
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