Beyonce Booty Buster

And once again I am conflicted and confused and not sure what to do or who to turn to since the only person I can turn to is the one who is making me feel this way. Go figure. This is always what happens to me. So instead of finding a real person to talk to, I will sit here and talk to myself. Again. It's not the same, but at least it gets some of my thoughts and such down on paper and maybe slightly more out of my head. Usually it doesn't leave my brain but its the thought that counts I guess.

It's bad to want someone you can't have. I have been down this road before and it wasn't a nice ride. It was one fraught with misery and pain and left me damaged. This time the person is completely different. They love me for who I am and I love him for who he is. Yet that's all there is. Nothing more. And I know that and am okay with that (even though he tells me all the time I am denying my true feelings). Maybe I am and maybe I'm not. I am pretty sure I am not denying anything because I know exactly who I am. It's the teasing that gets me. It draws into sharp perspective of what I am missing by having a significant other. It drives home the fact that while I may seem fine on the outside, I am terribly terribly lonely.

I don't know how to be with another person. I know all the wrong things about being with someone and every time I go into a relationship I want to succeed, it fails and once again I am left with the nagging awful question, "Was it my fault?" I am independent. I like having endless freedom and enjoyment. I don't have a lot of free time and that's okay for me right now because I am occupied and not left with too much time to think about what I am missing in my life. When I have too much down time, then my mind goes at top speed with no way to stop it.

For almost two years I let that kid Mike ruin who I was. I loved him. There is no other words to describe how I felt about him. I loved him and I wanted to be with him always. I was the only one who couldn't see him for what he truly was. I should have listened, but I didn't and that was it. He was the last person I ever truly crushed on. Ever since then it's just been a passing thought but that was it. Oh, he's cute or he was hot and was flirting with me. But once they walk away the thoughts vanish and I put myself back into that protective bubble. In my head, everyone I meet will be Mike all over again. They will love me and hate me. Cherish me and then kick me to the curb. They will once again hurt me and show me that I really wasn't worth it.

This is why I can't take compliments. Since elementary school I was looked upon as the person who "wasn't good enough." All of my friends that I had in the fifth grade were in the gifted and talented program and I wasn't. The teacher who ran that program did everything to make me walk away from my friends. I wasn't smart enough to be part of their group so I shouldn't talk to any of them. She probably figured I would make them stupid or something. That was the start. All through school I always felt like no matter how well I did it wasn't good enough. It hadn't been for that teacher, so why would it be for any other? I worked hard and never felt like it was anything special. I made it to a good school and made it into the education program in college. I graduated on time. I didn't have any cords or anything. I watched me fellow classmates in college get recognition, but I was never good enough myself. It was always the same. The tone of voice, the look. Your opinions don't matter. You don't know what you are talking about. You shouldn't include yourself in this discussion. Things like that. I was always talked down to, even if it was very subtle.

That kid was the straw that broke the camel's back. I wasn't good enough for him and instead of walking away I tried over and over to prove that I was good enough. That I was something important. And over and over again I wasn't good enough. Everything I did was mediocre. And since then it's all I can hear in my head. That little voice that goes, "You aren't good enough, Laura, so why even bother? You tried to do something and failed because you weren't good enough." It's the same thing.

I don't accept compliments. They don't mean anything to me. Just empty words with an empty meaning. People hate it when I don't accept them, but I learned long ago that compliments are another form of pain. People would compliment me and then tear me apart when I walked away. Fake compliments meant to hurt rather than encourage. I try to accept them with a forced thank you, but I have to really sit there and think about what I am saying. It's an effort to say thank you with a smile. It keeps people placated, at least for a little while.

I am a very skewed person with many problems. Most of which no one knows about. I just keep them fooled.

My mind is still everywhere but clear but I guess I should try and go to sleep.

~Dragon Eyes~

It Must Be Jelly Cuz Jam Don't Shake Like That!!

Sometimes I feel like this is the only place I can truly express my feelings and let me be myself for once. I spend so much of my time and energy projecting a happy, bubbly person when I really am not. I put on a mask every day so that the people around me see what I want them to see. Sometimes the mask has cracks and people question or wonder, but they never can fathom the true depth of loneliness or hurt that I feel from day to day.

I cannot wait to leave this state and go to a place where the people don't look at me and assume I am a whore and a home wrecker. I am tired of those terms being used with my name, because I am anything but that. I am just a regular girl and I am sick and tired of the confrontations. Of people demanding to know what I am doing and then not believing a word that comes out of my mouth. It's not fair to me one bit and I am so sick of it.

Okay, so men seem to flock to me. I can't help that they are shallow. I don't want any part of any of them, but as soon as a guy so much as looks at me, their girl is all over me that I am trying to steal him away.

I would rather be left alone anyways. Relationships don't work. More than half of them fall apart. I look at my facebook feed and see all of these relationships fall apart and now I see all these single mom's who are trying to keep going when their man walks out on them. That's not worth it to me. Sometimes the companionship is nice, but most times it is just more trouble than it is worth.

While sleep is needed, I doubt it will come easy tonight with my mind so jumbled and my feelings so hurt by just a few simple words. Tomorrow is a busy day, but at the end of it I am leaving this horrible place and aiming south to the warmth and comfort of vacation and being away from the awfulness of life here.

~Dragon Eyes~

Thank Goodness for Friends

Sometimes just spending a little time with a best friend and talking things out is enough to make me feel better. I know I haven't been right. I haven't been right for well over a month now, and I'm still not 100%, but I feel a little better. Just being able to sit down and spill out my fears and worries and having someone really talk back is just amazing. Kelly always has a way of making me feel better. Her and Molly have always been that way. But Molly is far away...though it wouldn't matter. She would still sit and talk to me and try to make me see that everything (no matter how bad it looks now) will get better. It just takes time.

I feel better now knowing I am doing something I love. I may be frustrated over the money, but that's something that will hopefully look up over time. I just have to find the right place and the right niche to be in and I will be all set. For right now, I just have to ride it out and keep on keeping on.

When it comes to the confidence thing, I am not doing super well. I am told over and over again by Jeff that I am good at what I do. Chino tells me the same thing. They both tell me that I know my stuff and people like me. Well, okay. You may say that, but then why is it that every new client that walks through the door is given to Troy? Is it because I can't handle them? Is it that I am not good enough? Here is where that confidence comes in. When I see that, I immediately think that I am not good enough to train them. That's what Chino is accidentally telling me. Now how am I supposed to feel good about myself when this is happening? How am I supposed to believe in my abilities as a trainer when another trainer is "better" than me?? I can't. And this is why I will never grow at Gold's Gym. I got my experience, but after that it is just hurting me. It is hurting my confidence and motivation. I don't look forward to going to work or even going to work myself out anymore. My depressions is kicking me and it's winning. I just can't overcome it and be happy. It's an awful awful thing.

Tomorrow I am spending the evening with Jocelyn and Amber so that gives me more time with friends and to explain my fears and unhappiness and get some more opinions.

Kelly did give me one strict instruction. I am not to text Sean anymore. If I get a message from him, I am to delete it and move on. Last night he was being a stupid, drunken idiot and I finally have had enough. We can't do anything together or talk without him thinking he has a chance to be with me. Too bad. He's not healthy for me and is making me even more stressed out than I already am. Yup. He is gone. And I hope I am strong and keep it that way. Otherwise, Kelly is going to bust out the voice and I am going to cower in terror!!

~Dragon Eyes~

Bittersweet Climbing

Tonight was probably the last night of climbing with Molly before she departs for New Zealand on Tuesday. It was fun, but at the same time it was hard. She was the one who took me to climbing a while back for the very first time and it soon became a weekly tradition that we would go climb and then go out to dinner. It lasted for a long time, and now the group is splintering. It will soon be down to me and Kelly. It will be fun, but her presence will be missed.

Goodbyes are hard and they make me sad. I hope I will be able to see her one more time before she leaves. Just one more visit and one more goodbye and then she will be gone. And it will be weird, but life has to go on.

I better go before I start really crying again like I did last night. I don't need anymore tears and sadness even though I still feel sad and miserable.

One good thing, though. Sean left me alone tonight. Last night he bugged the hell out of me with trying to persuade me that we should be together. Yeah. One more reason why we are SO not right for each other. Hopefully he will leave me alone for a while. He'll probably talk to me tomorrow. Bleck.

~Dragon Eyes~

A Broken Girl

Its hard to look into the mirror and see an unhappy person staring back. No matter how happy she may look on the outside, the eyes can never lie. They show the true depth of pain and sadness, the true nature of the beast. It's awful to see, but it's even more so when you know it's there but have no idea how to fix it, how to reverse the damage that has been done.

When things get rough I put myself away from others. I try to sort it out on my own. No body else needs to see the real person beneath the make up and the happy, bubbly exterior. Everyone is busy with their own problems. They don't need to deal with mine on top of everything else. So I turn here. I turn to the one place I feel like I can put my feelings down on to paper and not be judged. I have always found freedom through my writing and this is the outlet that gives me a little relief. It's not enough, but it's better than nothing.

I look at myself in the mirror and I see a broken person. I see someone who can't love herself, or anyone else. Who doesn't allow anyone to love her. As soon as someone gets to close she pushes them away for fear they will one day glimpse the real person and turn away in revulsion. I see a girl with no confidence. A girl who will never amount to anything or let herself amount to anything. Too many people have told her throughout her life that she will never be special, will never be as good as everyone else. Her opinions are wrong and don't matter. Every word that comes out of her mouth is unintelligent and not to be heeded. She is someone who can just be easily cast aside because there will always be someone out there who is better than she is.

I don't like this person and I don't know how this person can ever be turned into something worthwhile and special. She will forever be trapped and haunted by the demons of the past and they will make sure she never moves forward.

This is a girl who is afraid of failure and afraid of disappointment. She is afraid to take risks and believe she is the best at what she is, because there will always be someone better. She will be mediocre at best.

That's all she is. A broken girl. A broken girl who refuses to let anyone help. Who just can't convey to anyone else these feelings. Even her closest friends. How can she let them see her like this? The answer is she can't. She just has to swallow all of it and keep going like there is nothing wrong. She just has to.

~Dragon Eyes~

1000 Years

"Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years. I'll love you for a thousand more."

~Christina Perri~

It was a bittersweet night in a lot of ways. Getting together with friends and celebrating a happy occasion but also a sad one. After years and years it's hard to say goodbye to a best friend. It's hard to have them start a new chapter of their life half a world away. I have known Molly since high school and she has been such an amazing friend to me. It's the hardest thing in the world to say goodbye to her and watch her leave my life for two years as she goes to New Zealand for grad school. There will be millions of ways to communicate with her, but her presence will be gone and that is the hardest thing to digest. I know she will have an amazing time down there, but it is just so hard to say goodbye.

The gifts were the worst. We gave her little things to take with her to New Zealand as well as many long books inside of our cards. It was heart wrenching to see my best friend fight her hardest and lose at trying not to cry. Trying to be strong and happy. She is so excited to go, but I know at the same time she is terrified and saddened to leave all of us behind. Her best friends, her family and her new boy.

My heart is heavy as I head to bed, but I will see her soon and want to spend as much time as I can with her before the 14th comes and she takes off on her new adventure. A new chapter in her life.

~Dragon Eyes~

I Am My Own Therapist and a Terrible One at That!

There are things that rattle us to the bone. Things we fear in the night. We are left wondering what that bump in the night was. Just our imagination, or something sinister, waiting until we let our guards down before seizing us and dragging us away into the darkness? The feeling of being watched; of something stalking our every move. We try to reason with ourselves, placate our rattled nerves. It was nothing. Nothing is there. But is that really the truth? Or is there really something there, waiting, watching?

These are thoughts that have been evoked from watching two different trailers of The Woman in Black. Let's just say it gave me goosebumps in less than two minutes. I love and hate to be scared. It's some sort of sick thrill to watch a movie and be scared out of my mind. But if I was the main character in the movie being chased or terrified, I would like it much much less. I really need to go see the movie and I am hoping that my sister will want to go see it with me next weekend. I don't care what kind of reviews it gets. I want to go see it.

Today has been decent. I trained four clients, so that a little money I got. Then I worked out by myself since Jeff was feeling really sick. My back is feeling better than yesterday. My hip I can't say the same. It's still stiff and sore. And on top of all of that I ended up pulling something in either my right glute or the very top of my right hamstring doing lunges. Stupid lunges. I have had a lot of tightness in my glute for stretching and other things ever since my hip acted up big time. I guess the strain was finally too much and it was like forget it. It doesn't hurt too bad right now, but I have also been sitting. I am hoping it was just a small pull and by tomorrow will be back to normal. Knowing my luck, that won't happen.

Today something drew me to music and I picked up my violin for the first time in at least two years. I was very rusty and the violin very out of tune, but once I got going I remembered much more than I thought I would. There was something soothing and relaxing about just sitting on my floor and letting myself get lost in the thing that had been my life from elementary school all the way through high school. It brought back memories I hadn't thought of in so many years. Good ones and bad ones, but mostly good. I thought of friends and concerts, and various performances. I thought of all the drama and the crazy people that had become a part of my life. It instilled in me a feeling of calm that I had no felt in a long time. No matter what happens in life, you can always turn to your music, can always lose yourself in it.

Jeff's daughter randomly texted me today. I have no idea how she got my number, but she questioned me about the relationship between me and her step dad. I told her the truth. We are just friends and that's it. We care for each other and respect each other. I told her how I liked her family and would never do anything to change their happiness. I know damn well what lines can never be crossed. She seemed to accept it, but it took some convincing. We made a promise to pretend the texting never happened. I will do that because I know Jeff will get pissed at her for it, but as she told me, she needed to know herself. She needed to know from the person she feared would ruin her family. I could never do that. I am not that type of person, but I won't lie. I do feel hurt. I feel like I suddenly am a homewrecker and all of the awful things people have accused me of over the years. It's an awful crushing feeling. The only person I feel I can fully discuss those feelings with are Jeff, but how can I do that without telling him what happened? Without putting the trust of his step daughter in jeopardy? I can't. I am just going to have to tell him we need to lay off because people are getting suspicious and hope he doesn't press further. What am I thinking, of course he is going to press. And when I won't give it to him he is going to suspect. He is going to know. And he is going to take it out on Sam. That's not fair to her. She had a right to know and who better to ask than me? Her step dad is just going to brush it off and go no. I am at least going to stop and explain why we work out together. That we text each other all the time over his website and the new business he is opening. That's all true. It wasn't a lie. I just didn't tell her the whole truth. I omitted things that she couldn't know about.

I just really hate being stuck in the middle of everything and being blamed and accused of things that aren't true. It's upsetting to me and I feel like garbage, like I'm the lowest being on the face of the earth. This is why I am writing here. I feel safe here. I feel I can voice my feelings and talk to myself and make them right in my head. It's not a lot, but it's something that helps me cope with the feelings and worries that I can't share with anyone else. I am like my own little therapist. Sometimes I wish my therapist would actually give me some real advice instead of just talking around in circles in a effort to feel better...

~Dragon Eyes~

When Life Give You Lemons, Throw Them at People

I am officially ready to be done with this entire week from hell. I just feel like I have been once again going nonstop. Between training and working out at Gold's, traveling and getting trained to work at Fitness Together in Avon and now going to look at another place that wants to give me a job....I am dead. I go to bed at night and dread waking up early and having to face the days that I know are long and tedious. I barely have time to sit and do nothing at home. I finish with the gyms and then its the barn at 8pm at night then its home for dinner and a shower. By the time I sit down it's time for bed again. And then it all starts over once again. It's an awful, vicious cycle.

Sadly, this is the life of an average trainer.

On a happier note, my car which was driving not so good yesteray where I thought somthing major broke on it, seems to be back to normal. I just have to keep an eye on it and see it if it does it again.

~Dragon Eyes~

If I Get Another Job I Would Probably Die

Now I have two training jobs. And now I am going to have absolutely no life. And the craziness about everything is that I got offered a third job as well by a friend from school. I seriously don't think I could afford to take a third job without losing my mind. Then I would really have no life and I would probably lose my own time to work out and such. That to me isn't a good thing. Jeff says I should look into it. I can, but I really don't think I could afford to take it. That would just be overkill for me, but then again I have heard of people doing it before. I guess when it rains it pours.

I have felt listless and strange the last few days. I think I am overwhelmed. I just feel like there is so much going on and I am being torn in a million directions and I just don't know what to do. I think I really need a vacation or something. The thing is I know I can do everything that I have put on my plate. The question is, what am I sacrificing for it? Am I sacrificing myself? My social life? My friends? My non-existent love life? I have a feeling all of that is true. It's almost a disheartening feeling to be a slave to money and to work and the government and everything else that makes this world keep going forward.

Jeff tells me to take it one step at a time and not pass up an opportunity. I just don't know whether I can do it or not.

~Dragon Eyes~

Early Morning Ramblings of a Sleepy Trainer

I never did get around to blogging anything last night. I had every intention of doing so and then I lost my internet connection. That was the end of that.

There are moments when I wonder if I am doing the right things and going in the right directions. Last night was one of those moments. I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was idly sitting and watching the world and my life just pass me by. Can I ever be as happy and fullfilled as everyone else in the world? Sometimes I wonder if that is even possible. Jeff tells me over and over that he wants me to be happy and that I deserve the best. But will I ever be happy; completely and incandescently happy? Or is everything I am trying to do now, just covering up the fake that I am not truly happy. Sure, I smile and laugh, but it's an empty thing most of the time. Just going through the motions.

This probably all started with Danny the bodybuilder hitting on me again. I was sitting in the office at work, like I am doing now, reading my Kindle when he randomly walks up and says hi to me. We chat for a few minutes, and then he bids me goodbye, that he will see me tomorrow, and leaves. I know that he hit on me. It's not a question. And I can't say I don't like the attention. I crave to be noticed and loved by someone. There can be nothing be me and Danny. He is the tpe of guy who hits on every girl that walks by, and there are others supposedly out there waiting for me. I told Jeff, just because I thought he could share in my amusement about how I turned a big, brave bodybuilder into a nervous flirt, but he immediately questioned whether I liked Danny or not. He's a nice guy and all, but I couldn't see myself with him. Then Jeff asked the question of the century.

Do I block you from dating and seeing other men?

There are just some days I don't know how to answer that. Does he? I would like to say he doesn't. He's married and someone that will never be obtainable to me. Why should I wait for him? And the answer is I don't. I don't wait for him. I look towards other men. But as I have said time and time again, there are no good ones left in the world for nice girls like me. They are either taken or gay, and the rest are just asses and pigs who want me for my body, not for my personaliy and fire that drives me onward.

Enough for now. I am going to go run and workout since Jeff isn't going to be here today since his daughter is in the hospital with complications from her simple foot surgery. Today is Fitness Together in Avon. I cannot wait to get myself going with them and make some money and prove to myself and everyone else that I can and will succed.

~Dragon Eyes~

The Hunger Games in 24 Hours

Yes. I am the addict who started and finished the Hunger Games in a little over twenty four hours. This is what happens when I get obsessive and have the whole weekend to sit and concentrate on it. It was really really good and it read very fast so now all I have to do is wait for the movie to come out and then my life will be complete.

Tomorrow it is back to the usual hectic week where I pretty much have no life aside from work, working out and trying to fit in seeing my horses. It's not easy, but it has to be done and I am the best one for the job. It's just going to be a long week, but at least I am going into it fully rested and ready for anything. Thank goodness for restful, lazy weekends.

Sean texted me this evening. I was actually kind of shocked that he was contacting me. I figured I wouldn't hear from him for at least a while. No, I was wrong. I usually am when it comes to men, though. He was like I guess this means you aren't gonna come to any of my hockey games. And here is me sitting here and going, did you seriously think after all of this that I would? And then he was like I am not gonna talk for a while and we both made good points the last few times we talked and that there was something I said that still surprised him or something along those lines and that was it. Oh well. I really don't care what I said that didn't sit well with him. Whatever. He is not worth my time. And probably not worth many other girls times either. His loss not mine.

Well, I am back to editing the website that Jeff and I are working on. I have to go and write my bio. I always feel like I am bragging or something when I write those things. Oh well. Sometimes it's okay to brag about yourself a little bit.

~Dragon Eyes~

Lazy Snow Days

It is almost the end of January and we have finally had the first real snow storm of the season. We have had a couple of inches fall here and there, but this was the first major one. It's just really nice to sit at home in my pajamas and do absolutely nothing except watch movies. It is also a welcome relief to do nothing after pretty much going non stop for the last two weeks. I am seriously amazed I made it through the entire week. I had a long week of work, followed by the relatives coming to visit last weekend (and my Aunt Karen doesn't understand the concept of sleeping late and doing nothing), followed by another very long week of work. Yay for being a trainer with early mornings and late nights. It's also going to be worse since I am pretty sure I am going to end up with a second trainer job with Fitness Together in Avon. Yup. No one is ever going to see me. At least I will be focusing on my career. That's important to me right now.

Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing. My brain sits there and questions it all the time but my heart tells me this is what I want to do and what I love to do. Other things might have to take a back seat for a while, but I know in the end it is all going to be worth it. I am going to make money and I am going to succeed at this. I will work hard and I will eventually get my own place and I will be able to support myself. These are super important things to me and I know I can do them. I am going to prove to everyone that thought I would never make it wrong. I am going to show that a personal trainer can be just as successful as someone else, like a teacher.

There are many things that must be discussed because I have been slacking, but there are many things wandering around on my mind that I feel I must put down in writing in order to feel just a little bit better.

Right now I am pretty sure Sean and I are done for good. It's better this way, though. I really can't deal with someone who is needy and clingy like he is. It was just too much and I run the other direction when someone clings to me and wants to be with me every second of every day. Those weren't the only flaws. We hadn't even declared anything official and he wanted to buy me expensive things and take me on expensive trips. That's like six months of being an item. Not just casual dating. He was like well my friend did it to a girl he just met and they have been together forever. That's nice and all, but I am not that girl. I am not like other girls. I have higher expectations and I like to be on my own. I don't need someone else in my life to make me happy like that. Besides I have no time. He also wasn't a very good kisser and even though this is going to sound horrible, he was not attractive enough to tempt me. Yeah....that's horrible but I wouldn't be honest otherwise. And then last night after he keeps pestering me over and over about hanging out and trying again I was like no. We can never be anything more than friends and then he got weird and testy with me. And then starting making comments that made me feel like all I was to him was a piece of ass. Yup. Over. Done with.

The other thing that has gotten to me a little bit is finding out real friends from those that are just pretending to be your friend. It hurts a bit to find out who is who but it is better in the long run. I know I have just a few really close friends, but you don't need many to make you happy. I have Jocelyn, Kelly, Molly, Brian, Amanda, and Jeff of course as well as Chino. After that everyone is just a here and there friend. I think the hardest ones to lose have been Reeni and Jeanette. Things changed between us since senior year of college and going out into the world. We all have jobs. They have higher paying ones than me. But that's not the only thing. They cannot understand my love for health and fitness. I can't drink every day or even every weekend. That's terrible for you and it is against all the things I am trying to achieve with my body. All they care about is alcohol. I don't understand it. Jeanette became a different person. Reeni not so much, but Jeanette definitely changed. It's hard to see it, but I look at her now and go is this someone I want to be see and/or associated with? How is she going to make me look when I am with others? I already know that answer. She can be a major bitch and she doesn't care who she pisses off. And then there is the fact that there is no way in hell that she can let me have the spotlight or get the attention. Every time that happens she finds a way to make it come back to her. And then I am pushed aside. I have let her do that to me for so long. No longer. I am my own woman and I am tough and going to prove that I will not take a backseat to her. This is a big step for me. I know for a fact that I am going to go places. I am going to one day find someone that is special to me. I have my doubts that they will. Reeni might. But even that isn't set in stone. Jeanette never will. It's just her attitude and personality. It sucks. All she cares about it sex. And whenever she gets it she says it isn't good. Maybe you are the one who isn't good. They will become alcoholics in their apartment that they are going to get together and that will be the end. Their lives will go nowhere.

As for me, I will not be like them. I will have an awesome, healthy career, I will hopefully find a nice man, I will not be an alcoholic, and I will hopefully be getting fitness books published and on the market with Jeff. Now that would be the coolest thing ever. I have always wanted to be published and hopefully it will happen.

Alright. There is my rant for the day. I do feel better putting my thoughts and anger into words. It allows me to look at it all in a better perspective and it allows me to talk to myself and make myself feel like a stronger, better person. And I like that a lot.

~Dragon Eyes~