It's bad to want someone you can't have. I have been down this road before and it wasn't a nice ride. It was one fraught with misery and pain and left me damaged. This time the person is completely different. They love me for who I am and I love him for who he is. Yet that's all there is. Nothing more. And I know that and am okay with that (even though he tells me all the time I am denying my true feelings). Maybe I am and maybe I'm not. I am pretty sure I am not denying anything because I know exactly who I am. It's the teasing that gets me. It draws into sharp perspective of what I am missing by having a significant other. It drives home the fact that while I may seem fine on the outside, I am terribly terribly lonely.
I don't know how to be with another person. I know all the wrong things about being with someone and every time I go into a relationship I want to succeed, it fails and once again I am left with the nagging awful question, "Was it my fault?" I am independent. I like having endless freedom and enjoyment. I don't have a lot of free time and that's okay for me right now because I am occupied and not left with too much time to think about what I am missing in my life. When I have too much down time, then my mind goes at top speed with no way to stop it.
For almost two years I let that kid Mike ruin who I was. I loved him. There is no other words to describe how I felt about him. I loved him and I wanted to be with him always. I was the only one who couldn't see him for what he truly was. I should have listened, but I didn't and that was it. He was the last person I ever truly crushed on. Ever since then it's just been a passing thought but that was it. Oh, he's cute or he was hot and was flirting with me. But once they walk away the thoughts vanish and I put myself back into that protective bubble. In my head, everyone I meet will be Mike all over again. They will love me and hate me. Cherish me and then kick me to the curb. They will once again hurt me and show me that I really wasn't worth it.
This is why I can't take compliments. Since elementary school I was looked upon as the person who "wasn't good enough." All of my friends that I had in the fifth grade were in the gifted and talented program and I wasn't. The teacher who ran that program did everything to make me walk away from my friends. I wasn't smart enough to be part of their group so I shouldn't talk to any of them. She probably figured I would make them stupid or something. That was the start. All through school I always felt like no matter how well I did it wasn't good enough. It hadn't been for that teacher, so why would it be for any other? I worked hard and never felt like it was anything special. I made it to a good school and made it into the education program in college. I graduated on time. I didn't have any cords or anything. I watched me fellow classmates in college get recognition, but I was never good enough myself. It was always the same. The tone of voice, the look. Your opinions don't matter. You don't know what you are talking about. You shouldn't include yourself in this discussion. Things like that. I was always talked down to, even if it was very subtle.
That kid was the straw that broke the camel's back. I wasn't good enough for him and instead of walking away I tried over and over to prove that I was good enough. That I was something important. And over and over again I wasn't good enough. Everything I did was mediocre. And since then it's all I can hear in my head. That little voice that goes, "You aren't good enough, Laura, so why even bother? You tried to do something and failed because you weren't good enough." It's the same thing.
I don't accept compliments. They don't mean anything to me. Just empty words with an empty meaning. People hate it when I don't accept them, but I learned long ago that compliments are another form of pain. People would compliment me and then tear me apart when I walked away. Fake compliments meant to hurt rather than encourage. I try to accept them with a forced thank you, but I have to really sit there and think about what I am saying. It's an effort to say thank you with a smile. It keeps people placated, at least for a little while.
I am a very skewed person with many problems. Most of which no one knows about. I just keep them fooled.
My mind is still everywhere but clear but I guess I should try and go to sleep.
~Dragon Eyes~
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