Beyonce Booty Buster

And once again I am conflicted and confused and not sure what to do or who to turn to since the only person I can turn to is the one who is making me feel this way. Go figure. This is always what happens to me. So instead of finding a real person to talk to, I will sit here and talk to myself. Again. It's not the same, but at least it gets some of my thoughts and such down on paper and maybe slightly more out of my head. Usually it doesn't leave my brain but its the thought that counts I guess.

It's bad to want someone you can't have. I have been down this road before and it wasn't a nice ride. It was one fraught with misery and pain and left me damaged. This time the person is completely different. They love me for who I am and I love him for who he is. Yet that's all there is. Nothing more. And I know that and am okay with that (even though he tells me all the time I am denying my true feelings). Maybe I am and maybe I'm not. I am pretty sure I am not denying anything because I know exactly who I am. It's the teasing that gets me. It draws into sharp perspective of what I am missing by having a significant other. It drives home the fact that while I may seem fine on the outside, I am terribly terribly lonely.

I don't know how to be with another person. I know all the wrong things about being with someone and every time I go into a relationship I want to succeed, it fails and once again I am left with the nagging awful question, "Was it my fault?" I am independent. I like having endless freedom and enjoyment. I don't have a lot of free time and that's okay for me right now because I am occupied and not left with too much time to think about what I am missing in my life. When I have too much down time, then my mind goes at top speed with no way to stop it.

For almost two years I let that kid Mike ruin who I was. I loved him. There is no other words to describe how I felt about him. I loved him and I wanted to be with him always. I was the only one who couldn't see him for what he truly was. I should have listened, but I didn't and that was it. He was the last person I ever truly crushed on. Ever since then it's just been a passing thought but that was it. Oh, he's cute or he was hot and was flirting with me. But once they walk away the thoughts vanish and I put myself back into that protective bubble. In my head, everyone I meet will be Mike all over again. They will love me and hate me. Cherish me and then kick me to the curb. They will once again hurt me and show me that I really wasn't worth it.

This is why I can't take compliments. Since elementary school I was looked upon as the person who "wasn't good enough." All of my friends that I had in the fifth grade were in the gifted and talented program and I wasn't. The teacher who ran that program did everything to make me walk away from my friends. I wasn't smart enough to be part of their group so I shouldn't talk to any of them. She probably figured I would make them stupid or something. That was the start. All through school I always felt like no matter how well I did it wasn't good enough. It hadn't been for that teacher, so why would it be for any other? I worked hard and never felt like it was anything special. I made it to a good school and made it into the education program in college. I graduated on time. I didn't have any cords or anything. I watched me fellow classmates in college get recognition, but I was never good enough myself. It was always the same. The tone of voice, the look. Your opinions don't matter. You don't know what you are talking about. You shouldn't include yourself in this discussion. Things like that. I was always talked down to, even if it was very subtle.

That kid was the straw that broke the camel's back. I wasn't good enough for him and instead of walking away I tried over and over to prove that I was good enough. That I was something important. And over and over again I wasn't good enough. Everything I did was mediocre. And since then it's all I can hear in my head. That little voice that goes, "You aren't good enough, Laura, so why even bother? You tried to do something and failed because you weren't good enough." It's the same thing.

I don't accept compliments. They don't mean anything to me. Just empty words with an empty meaning. People hate it when I don't accept them, but I learned long ago that compliments are another form of pain. People would compliment me and then tear me apart when I walked away. Fake compliments meant to hurt rather than encourage. I try to accept them with a forced thank you, but I have to really sit there and think about what I am saying. It's an effort to say thank you with a smile. It keeps people placated, at least for a little while.

I am a very skewed person with many problems. Most of which no one knows about. I just keep them fooled.

My mind is still everywhere but clear but I guess I should try and go to sleep.

~Dragon Eyes~

It Must Be Jelly Cuz Jam Don't Shake Like That!!

Sometimes I feel like this is the only place I can truly express my feelings and let me be myself for once. I spend so much of my time and energy projecting a happy, bubbly person when I really am not. I put on a mask every day so that the people around me see what I want them to see. Sometimes the mask has cracks and people question or wonder, but they never can fathom the true depth of loneliness or hurt that I feel from day to day.

I cannot wait to leave this state and go to a place where the people don't look at me and assume I am a whore and a home wrecker. I am tired of those terms being used with my name, because I am anything but that. I am just a regular girl and I am sick and tired of the confrontations. Of people demanding to know what I am doing and then not believing a word that comes out of my mouth. It's not fair to me one bit and I am so sick of it.

Okay, so men seem to flock to me. I can't help that they are shallow. I don't want any part of any of them, but as soon as a guy so much as looks at me, their girl is all over me that I am trying to steal him away.

I would rather be left alone anyways. Relationships don't work. More than half of them fall apart. I look at my facebook feed and see all of these relationships fall apart and now I see all these single mom's who are trying to keep going when their man walks out on them. That's not worth it to me. Sometimes the companionship is nice, but most times it is just more trouble than it is worth.

While sleep is needed, I doubt it will come easy tonight with my mind so jumbled and my feelings so hurt by just a few simple words. Tomorrow is a busy day, but at the end of it I am leaving this horrible place and aiming south to the warmth and comfort of vacation and being away from the awfulness of life here.

~Dragon Eyes~

Thank Goodness for Friends

Sometimes just spending a little time with a best friend and talking things out is enough to make me feel better. I know I haven't been right. I haven't been right for well over a month now, and I'm still not 100%, but I feel a little better. Just being able to sit down and spill out my fears and worries and having someone really talk back is just amazing. Kelly always has a way of making me feel better. Her and Molly have always been that way. But Molly is far away...though it wouldn't matter. She would still sit and talk to me and try to make me see that everything (no matter how bad it looks now) will get better. It just takes time.

I feel better now knowing I am doing something I love. I may be frustrated over the money, but that's something that will hopefully look up over time. I just have to find the right place and the right niche to be in and I will be all set. For right now, I just have to ride it out and keep on keeping on.

When it comes to the confidence thing, I am not doing super well. I am told over and over again by Jeff that I am good at what I do. Chino tells me the same thing. They both tell me that I know my stuff and people like me. Well, okay. You may say that, but then why is it that every new client that walks through the door is given to Troy? Is it because I can't handle them? Is it that I am not good enough? Here is where that confidence comes in. When I see that, I immediately think that I am not good enough to train them. That's what Chino is accidentally telling me. Now how am I supposed to feel good about myself when this is happening? How am I supposed to believe in my abilities as a trainer when another trainer is "better" than me?? I can't. And this is why I will never grow at Gold's Gym. I got my experience, but after that it is just hurting me. It is hurting my confidence and motivation. I don't look forward to going to work or even going to work myself out anymore. My depressions is kicking me and it's winning. I just can't overcome it and be happy. It's an awful awful thing.

Tomorrow I am spending the evening with Jocelyn and Amber so that gives me more time with friends and to explain my fears and unhappiness and get some more opinions.

Kelly did give me one strict instruction. I am not to text Sean anymore. If I get a message from him, I am to delete it and move on. Last night he was being a stupid, drunken idiot and I finally have had enough. We can't do anything together or talk without him thinking he has a chance to be with me. Too bad. He's not healthy for me and is making me even more stressed out than I already am. Yup. He is gone. And I hope I am strong and keep it that way. Otherwise, Kelly is going to bust out the voice and I am going to cower in terror!!

~Dragon Eyes~