Thank Goodness for Friends

Sometimes just spending a little time with a best friend and talking things out is enough to make me feel better. I know I haven't been right. I haven't been right for well over a month now, and I'm still not 100%, but I feel a little better. Just being able to sit down and spill out my fears and worries and having someone really talk back is just amazing. Kelly always has a way of making me feel better. Her and Molly have always been that way. But Molly is far away...though it wouldn't matter. She would still sit and talk to me and try to make me see that everything (no matter how bad it looks now) will get better. It just takes time.

I feel better now knowing I am doing something I love. I may be frustrated over the money, but that's something that will hopefully look up over time. I just have to find the right place and the right niche to be in and I will be all set. For right now, I just have to ride it out and keep on keeping on.

When it comes to the confidence thing, I am not doing super well. I am told over and over again by Jeff that I am good at what I do. Chino tells me the same thing. They both tell me that I know my stuff and people like me. Well, okay. You may say that, but then why is it that every new client that walks through the door is given to Troy? Is it because I can't handle them? Is it that I am not good enough? Here is where that confidence comes in. When I see that, I immediately think that I am not good enough to train them. That's what Chino is accidentally telling me. Now how am I supposed to feel good about myself when this is happening? How am I supposed to believe in my abilities as a trainer when another trainer is "better" than me?? I can't. And this is why I will never grow at Gold's Gym. I got my experience, but after that it is just hurting me. It is hurting my confidence and motivation. I don't look forward to going to work or even going to work myself out anymore. My depressions is kicking me and it's winning. I just can't overcome it and be happy. It's an awful awful thing.

Tomorrow I am spending the evening with Jocelyn and Amber so that gives me more time with friends and to explain my fears and unhappiness and get some more opinions.

Kelly did give me one strict instruction. I am not to text Sean anymore. If I get a message from him, I am to delete it and move on. Last night he was being a stupid, drunken idiot and I finally have had enough. We can't do anything together or talk without him thinking he has a chance to be with me. Too bad. He's not healthy for me and is making me even more stressed out than I already am. Yup. He is gone. And I hope I am strong and keep it that way. Otherwise, Kelly is going to bust out the voice and I am going to cower in terror!!

~Dragon Eyes~