The Fight Never Ends

I have come to the conclusion that I am just not happy. I have probably been unhappy for a while now and just either didn't see it or refused to see it. I just feel as if I am going through all the motions like a robot, trying to evoke some sort of feeling and coming up with nothing at all. It's upsetting. It's almost as if I feel numb to everything around me.

My job, while I love it, isn't satisfying. It doesn't pay and I always feel like I am fighting a losing battle trying to get clients and keep clients. My hours are all over the place and I am never going to make a living and support myself on my own.

I feel like my life is never going to go anywhere. I want to do something I like and that I am good at but it just feels like I am trying to climb a mountain and instead of going forward I am simply running in place, using every amount of energy I have to move even half an inch forward.

And then there is Sean. He's nice and seems to like me so much, but once again I feel the bitter emptiness of indifference. He is the type of person who would go out of his way for me and I can't find any feelings about it. Jeff is happy I'm seeing someone but I secretly doubt that this is going to go anywhere. I hate it but I think that it might be the truth. It will crush him. I know it and that causes me to keep my mouth shut and keep trying.

It's terrible that we are supposed to hang out tonight and I feel nothing. I actually would rather stay home by myself and do nothing than go try to evoke any emotion towards him. I just don't know what to do.

I feel as if my heart has died. When I meet guys there is nothing. There is no spark and no interest. There is only flattery that they like me. Either that or annoyance, like what I show towards John who thinks he actually has a chance with me. I don't feel a spark and any excitement. There was only one time I felt that spark and that person destroyed me. I opened my heart up to him and he took it and played with it. Part of me died a long time ago when I severed him from my life and that part will never come back. I gave my heart to someone who crushed it. I will never let anyone do that to me again.

~Dragon Eyes~

That's Because You Double Fisted the Barrel!

After months of not climbing, Kelly, Molly, Kelsey and I decided to do a girls night and hit the walls with gusto. Okay, we were definitely out of practice, and half the routes we had been used to climbing were gone and had been replaced by new ones (most of which were way too tough for me to climb...go figure). All in all we didn't do too badly.

I love spending time with my friends. There is something about a friendship like that that makes everything in the world worthwhile. You know that they are always there for you when you need them most and that they wouldn't hesitate to tell you what you need to know even if the truth is hard to swallow sometimes. I don't have a large amount of very close friends, but I absolutely love these girls. There is something about all of us being together that makes me smile and makes the day/evening/week/month/year amazing. We can also be stupid around each other and no one is going to judge. Okay, we do judge, but its the type of harmless, joke judging that friends do to each other all the time. That's only because we love each other.

Maybe next time we climb I will really manage to double fist the barrel and not just half double it!

~Dragon Eyes~

Hockey Dates

Alright, so I am not one for dating or going on dates. It's just always too awkward and too nervous for words and I find the awkward silences at dinner unbearable. So tonight I got brave and went out with a kid I had met in college. We met freshmen year, but never really hung out all that much or talked all that much. I have no idea why since we have so much in common, but I guess things happen for a reason. That is my motto in life after all!

He picked me up at my house and we went to Hartford to meet up with his friends to go see the Hartford Whale hockey team play. He was absolutely thrilled that I loved hockey and even more so when I knew what the hell I was talking about when I was explaining things to another girl there. The game was incredible (the hockey was good and we had the most awesome box seat lounge thing courtesy of AMR). Afterwards I ended up going back to Sean's apartment in New Britain where his roommate and his roommate's girlfriend met up with us and we played some board games as well as the ball python. I am such a sucker for snakes!

I had a really good time tonight. I am not usually one for dates and attempting things with any new guy but this turned out rather awesome and I feel this might have a chance. Even Sean is not the most handsome guy in the world, his personality and goofiness and just being an awesome person overall seriously takes over. I am curious as to where this will go and his roommate and friends all seem to love me. Who knows. There also wasn't that awful empty feeling of indifference this time. There was curiosity and laughter and a sense that everything was okay; that it was safe. Only time will tell, and for once I am kind of excited and curious as to where things will go and what will happen down the road.

On a side note: Sean is also one of the few guys I've met who seems like a perfect gentleman. That's something special in this world now a days.

~Dragon Eyes~

Indifference

Yes, I am aware I am blogging really late or really early. Yes, I'm okay with this. Even though it is late I felt the strange need to write. This evening I actually went to Milford and met up with the usual group of usual suspects. Instead of going to Buffalo Wild Wings we ended up at TGI Friday's since Michelle's birthday was the next day and she chose where we ate. That was fine. As usually we had a good time. Afterwards I ended going back to Kyle's house where the two of us, well, fooled around. Now I'm not blogging to share that I had a great time. It's the after part that I am now going to discuss.

How did I feel about all this? I loved it. I had an enjoyable time and was very happy with the way the evening progressed. How did I feel after I said goodbye and drove home? Indifference. This is what startled me. Kyle and I had dated for a few months last year. We know each other pretty well. I was upset things had ended, but as with all things, I moved on and, well, okay, I was hurt but it was like ripping a bandaid off. It was over with and I moved on. Sure, I was jealous and angry at him for the whole Carly thing, but that was understandable about how the whole thing happened.

But why the indifference? I don't understand. Shouldn't I be excited that a boy I really care about is once again interested in me? Or is this one more attempt at me to close off my heart to yet another person? I can pretty much narrow it down to the fact that Kyle and I were together and are no longer for a reason and that a large part of me can't trust him not to do it again to me. Or I am suddenly becoming one of those people that gets satisfied and moves on, like a one night stand? The feeling of indifference bothers me. It shouldn't be there. There should be one definite feeling or another, not this, well okay that was nice, on to the next.

Conclusion: I really do have problems....

~Dragon Eyes~