My job, while I love it, isn't satisfying. It doesn't pay and I always feel like I am fighting a losing battle trying to get clients and keep clients. My hours are all over the place and I am never going to make a living and support myself on my own.
I feel like my life is never going to go anywhere. I want to do something I like and that I am good at but it just feels like I am trying to climb a mountain and instead of going forward I am simply running in place, using every amount of energy I have to move even half an inch forward.
And then there is Sean. He's nice and seems to like me so much, but once again I feel the bitter emptiness of indifference. He is the type of person who would go out of his way for me and I can't find any feelings about it. Jeff is happy I'm seeing someone but I secretly doubt that this is going to go anywhere. I hate it but I think that it might be the truth. It will crush him. I know it and that causes me to keep my mouth shut and keep trying.
It's terrible that we are supposed to hang out tonight and I feel nothing. I actually would rather stay home by myself and do nothing than go try to evoke any emotion towards him. I just don't know what to do.
I feel as if my heart has died. When I meet guys there is nothing. There is no spark and no interest. There is only flattery that they like me. Either that or annoyance, like what I show towards John who thinks he actually has a chance with me. I don't feel a spark and any excitement. There was only one time I felt that spark and that person destroyed me. I opened my heart up to him and he took it and played with it. Part of me died a long time ago when I severed him from my life and that part will never come back. I gave my heart to someone who crushed it. I will never let anyone do that to me again.
~Dragon Eyes~
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