Early Morning Ramblings of a Sleepy Trainer

I never did get around to blogging anything last night. I had every intention of doing so and then I lost my internet connection. That was the end of that.

There are moments when I wonder if I am doing the right things and going in the right directions. Last night was one of those moments. I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was idly sitting and watching the world and my life just pass me by. Can I ever be as happy and fullfilled as everyone else in the world? Sometimes I wonder if that is even possible. Jeff tells me over and over that he wants me to be happy and that I deserve the best. But will I ever be happy; completely and incandescently happy? Or is everything I am trying to do now, just covering up the fake that I am not truly happy. Sure, I smile and laugh, but it's an empty thing most of the time. Just going through the motions.

This probably all started with Danny the bodybuilder hitting on me again. I was sitting in the office at work, like I am doing now, reading my Kindle when he randomly walks up and says hi to me. We chat for a few minutes, and then he bids me goodbye, that he will see me tomorrow, and leaves. I know that he hit on me. It's not a question. And I can't say I don't like the attention. I crave to be noticed and loved by someone. There can be nothing be me and Danny. He is the tpe of guy who hits on every girl that walks by, and there are others supposedly out there waiting for me. I told Jeff, just because I thought he could share in my amusement about how I turned a big, brave bodybuilder into a nervous flirt, but he immediately questioned whether I liked Danny or not. He's a nice guy and all, but I couldn't see myself with him. Then Jeff asked the question of the century.

Do I block you from dating and seeing other men?

There are just some days I don't know how to answer that. Does he? I would like to say he doesn't. He's married and someone that will never be obtainable to me. Why should I wait for him? And the answer is I don't. I don't wait for him. I look towards other men. But as I have said time and time again, there are no good ones left in the world for nice girls like me. They are either taken or gay, and the rest are just asses and pigs who want me for my body, not for my personaliy and fire that drives me onward.

Enough for now. I am going to go run and workout since Jeff isn't going to be here today since his daughter is in the hospital with complications from her simple foot surgery. Today is Fitness Together in Avon. I cannot wait to get myself going with them and make some money and prove to myself and everyone else that I can and will succed.

~Dragon Eyes~