Lazy Snow Days

It is almost the end of January and we have finally had the first real snow storm of the season. We have had a couple of inches fall here and there, but this was the first major one. It's just really nice to sit at home in my pajamas and do absolutely nothing except watch movies. It is also a welcome relief to do nothing after pretty much going non stop for the last two weeks. I am seriously amazed I made it through the entire week. I had a long week of work, followed by the relatives coming to visit last weekend (and my Aunt Karen doesn't understand the concept of sleeping late and doing nothing), followed by another very long week of work. Yay for being a trainer with early mornings and late nights. It's also going to be worse since I am pretty sure I am going to end up with a second trainer job with Fitness Together in Avon. Yup. No one is ever going to see me. At least I will be focusing on my career. That's important to me right now.

Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing. My brain sits there and questions it all the time but my heart tells me this is what I want to do and what I love to do. Other things might have to take a back seat for a while, but I know in the end it is all going to be worth it. I am going to make money and I am going to succeed at this. I will work hard and I will eventually get my own place and I will be able to support myself. These are super important things to me and I know I can do them. I am going to prove to everyone that thought I would never make it wrong. I am going to show that a personal trainer can be just as successful as someone else, like a teacher.

There are many things that must be discussed because I have been slacking, but there are many things wandering around on my mind that I feel I must put down in writing in order to feel just a little bit better.

Right now I am pretty sure Sean and I are done for good. It's better this way, though. I really can't deal with someone who is needy and clingy like he is. It was just too much and I run the other direction when someone clings to me and wants to be with me every second of every day. Those weren't the only flaws. We hadn't even declared anything official and he wanted to buy me expensive things and take me on expensive trips. That's like six months of being an item. Not just casual dating. He was like well my friend did it to a girl he just met and they have been together forever. That's nice and all, but I am not that girl. I am not like other girls. I have higher expectations and I like to be on my own. I don't need someone else in my life to make me happy like that. Besides I have no time. He also wasn't a very good kisser and even though this is going to sound horrible, he was not attractive enough to tempt me. Yeah....that's horrible but I wouldn't be honest otherwise. And then last night after he keeps pestering me over and over about hanging out and trying again I was like no. We can never be anything more than friends and then he got weird and testy with me. And then starting making comments that made me feel like all I was to him was a piece of ass. Yup. Over. Done with.

The other thing that has gotten to me a little bit is finding out real friends from those that are just pretending to be your friend. It hurts a bit to find out who is who but it is better in the long run. I know I have just a few really close friends, but you don't need many to make you happy. I have Jocelyn, Kelly, Molly, Brian, Amanda, and Jeff of course as well as Chino. After that everyone is just a here and there friend. I think the hardest ones to lose have been Reeni and Jeanette. Things changed between us since senior year of college and going out into the world. We all have jobs. They have higher paying ones than me. But that's not the only thing. They cannot understand my love for health and fitness. I can't drink every day or even every weekend. That's terrible for you and it is against all the things I am trying to achieve with my body. All they care about is alcohol. I don't understand it. Jeanette became a different person. Reeni not so much, but Jeanette definitely changed. It's hard to see it, but I look at her now and go is this someone I want to be see and/or associated with? How is she going to make me look when I am with others? I already know that answer. She can be a major bitch and she doesn't care who she pisses off. And then there is the fact that there is no way in hell that she can let me have the spotlight or get the attention. Every time that happens she finds a way to make it come back to her. And then I am pushed aside. I have let her do that to me for so long. No longer. I am my own woman and I am tough and going to prove that I will not take a backseat to her. This is a big step for me. I know for a fact that I am going to go places. I am going to one day find someone that is special to me. I have my doubts that they will. Reeni might. But even that isn't set in stone. Jeanette never will. It's just her attitude and personality. It sucks. All she cares about it sex. And whenever she gets it she says it isn't good. Maybe you are the one who isn't good. They will become alcoholics in their apartment that they are going to get together and that will be the end. Their lives will go nowhere.

As for me, I will not be like them. I will have an awesome, healthy career, I will hopefully find a nice man, I will not be an alcoholic, and I will hopefully be getting fitness books published and on the market with Jeff. Now that would be the coolest thing ever. I have always wanted to be published and hopefully it will happen.

Alright. There is my rant for the day. I do feel better putting my thoughts and anger into words. It allows me to look at it all in a better perspective and it allows me to talk to myself and make myself feel like a stronger, better person. And I like that a lot.

~Dragon Eyes~