Holding On

Today felt like the longest day in history. I got up at my usual time of 5:20am or so and got myself ready for school grudgingly. It took so much for me to find a reason to get out of bed this morning and get ready and go to school. It was the longest drive in history and it gave me far too much time to think about everything that had happened over the weekend and everything that I needed to do and everything that I didn't want to do. I got to my school early for some random reason and ended up calling home. I don't know, but I just had to. My dad talked to me on the phone for the few minutes that I had and told me over and over again that I had to keep going because if I quit than Jen and her druggie losers would win. He told me I had come too far and worked too hard to throw it all away because of one stupid person. It took everything I had to hang up with him and walk into that school. I would have rather been anywhere else.

The school day went by relatively fast for me, all things considered. I had a prep period at the start of the day followed by an observation of a class. After that I grabbed a quick lunch and taught my two classes. The first class was really good and attentive. The second class I was observed in. I wasn't as nervous this time around with the observation but the class wasn't the best behaved. I already moved seats and it looks like I am going to have to move some more. My university supervisor thought I did really well all things considered with my mess of a weekend and such and gave me some good pointers and tips to try. Tomorrow I pick up my fourth class. It shouldn't be too bad of a day. I teach two classes and then the last two blocks are my portfolio and prep periods, so I pretty much hang around and do nothing. Which is fine with me. During the day at school my parents both sent me text messages of support and comfort that made it seem like it could be alright. I just wish I wasn't so far away from them right now.

The night is where I find myself struggling and falling back into doubt and fear. Right now I am once again sitting at work with nothing to do. And when I have nothing to do, I think. And thinking is not beneficial for me now or ever. It keeps me down and tells me over and over again that I can't do it and that I should just give up and give in. I hate it because I can't stop it and I find myself succumbing to it more than pushing it away. All I want to do is go to bed and sleep forever. It just would be so much simpler if I could.

I am supposed to play 007 Nightfire tomorrow night with Mike. It will be the first time I have seen him since the beginning week of the semester. I want to see him, but at the same time I am guarded. I like Andrew a lot and nothing will change that. I need to see Mike. I need to test and see what my heart is like. If I never see him again it will kill me. I will never be able to live myself not talking to him. It's funny. He hurt me in so many ways yet I can't help but want him in my life. I know Andrew hates it that I still want to be friends with him. And I know that he would hate it even more if I told him I was actually hanging out with Mike. It's all so confusing. All I know is that I cannot wait for my therapy session on Thursday. I need it like you wouldn't believe.

~Dragon Eyes~