It Just Doesn't Get Any Easier

Today one of my best friends got married. It wasn't the true traditional style wedding that you usually see. It was small and low key. The wedding ceremony took place in a small chapel and the whole ceremony took maybe only 20 minutes tops. Then pictures were taken all over the place and photographers ran wild and such. The reception was also held in the church in the next room and everyone came out and the wedding party was seated. Then the bride and groom danced. I thought I would cry at that moment but I held it all together. As soon as it came time for the father/daughter dance I was done. The tears just came pouring out and wouldn't stop. Both Amber and her dad were crying which really got to me and them my friends Jocelyn and Molly started crying up at the head table and I was a goner. That's when it officially hit me that she was married. She is only three days older than me and she was married. I don't know, but after that all I could think of was the fact that she had found and married someone and I still had no one.

Being single at weddings is no great thing. It throws into sharp relief how single and alone you really are. You look around and see all of these happy couples and wonder to yourself why is there no one for me? And this is what I wondered as I watched them. Am I just not good enough? And in a lot of ways I really think I'm not. Guys look at me and see blond hair, big boobs and sex. They don't care who I am as a person and don't ever want to get to know me like that. They just want to see how good I am in bed. Apparently my personality is worth nothing and therefore I am worth nothing. To them I am just another blond and blonds are slutty and good in bed.

All of this just makes me realize how messed up and unhappy I am in life. I don't think I have ever been truly happy. There is really nothing in life that keeps me going. I guess my horse might, but I hardly see him anymore and it takes a lot just to get myself together to go see him anymore. I would rather sit around and do nothing than do something. Going out is a hassle because that usually means I will be harassed by men who want my body. I just would rather do nothing and spend the rest of my life locked away in my house. It just seems so much easier to do that than get the effort to go anywhere.

I know I'm depressed and I know I have problems, but I just can't find any reason to go and try and straighten myself out. I'm going to therapy now, but that will end in May. Then once again I am on my own. Therapy is expensive and I won't be able to afford it. Maybe my friend is right and maybe I need to go on some sort of medication to try and over come this and find something worthwhile in life. But I can't afford it and I don't want to drag my parents into this. They don't need to deal with something like this.

But it gets harder for me to get out of bed every morning. I have to physically drag myself out and get myself ready to get going and even then it's hard and all I want to do is go back to sleep. I shouldn't be like this and don't know who to turn to anymore. I feel like if I do, then I'm being judged and looked down upon for being like this. I just look in the mirror every day and find one more reason why I hate being me and want to be someone else. I so badly want to be someone else...

~Dragon Eyes~