The Feeling of Suffocation

Now that I'm back at school and in my room I find myself longing to go home; longing to be done with everything. I don't want to be here anymore and I don't want to student teach anymore. I don't think I'm cut out for it anymore. Friday was just a bad day at my placement and showed me how little power I have over students. I couldn't control them. They didn't listen and were just everywhere. I know I shouldn't give up and this coming week probably will be so much better, but I am just done. I don't care anymore and if I could I would just stop and go home. I'm done with being stressed out and exhausted and everything. I want to be a normal college kid and do nothing. Yet I can't. I'm stuck here in hell.

The nights are what kill me. I'm fine all day, but as soon as I get to this point I feel as if I can't continue. I just want to curl up and give up. I hate feeling like this and I'm starting to find it harder and harder to keep myself going anymore. I hedged about doing education all through college and I still wonder why I decided to do it. My parents pushed me to get my teaching certificate and that's why I'm still here. I don't know what they would say if I decided after everything that I just didn't want to teach. I don't know what they would say. I would go get my master's but after that I have no idea. I hate how uncertain life is. Being young was so easy. This isn't anymore.

The other thing hanging over my head is the fact that I have to figure out when to get together with Andrew and end things with him. I don't know when this will be, but I need to get it over with soon. I'm just no super happy in this relationship. I have to tell myself to be happy. That's not how it should be. And there is no way I can do this with him. I have given it a chance. It's been a month. I know someone told me to give it till my birthday in May, but to wait that long would just be unfair to both of us. I'll lead him on uselessly and I'll be unhappy. It's better to get it over with as soon as possible.

~Dragon Eyes~