The First And Last Thing

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens you chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different than any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness. So simple a phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

The first and last thing I wanted to see I found on facebook at 530am when I rolled my sickly self out of bed and staggered to my computer. I pulled up facebook and the first thing I saw in my news feed was the last thing I wanted to see. I swear there was someone out there who just needed me to see it and suffer the pain that came with it. The first thing I saw was that Mike was in a relationship.

Even though we haven't spoken to each other in a month now, it still hurt. What is so special about this dumb bimbo? I don't even know her name or what she looks like, because the jerk is so secretive, but I hate her. There are so many things I wish I could say to him right now, and none of them are friendly. They are all the words that I have wanted to say to him for the longest time. If only I could get the courage the scream them at him; let him know everything I feel about him. I want to let him know how much I love him and how much I hate him. I need him to know these things. He needs to know how much of an ass he really is. If only if only.

If he ever does decided to talk to me again he is going to get a piece of my mind. He is going to find out just how pissed I am. But knowing my luck there won't be a next time. Then again if he breaks things off with this bimbo, as he is sure to do, then he will probably come crawling back to me yet again. Every time I pick his sorry ass back off the ground and put him back on his feet and every time he walks away and does it all over again. This time I will not be sympathetic. I am through with being nice. He will see the ugly side of me that no one ever wants to see; the side of me that I keep hidden away under that bell jar in my mind. Unfortunately the dual personality is part of being a Gemini. I truly believe I have two personalities: the one people usually see and the one very few people see. My friendly, bubbly personality and my vicious cold-blooded one.

The Rolling Stones are right. I look inside myself and see my heart is black. While everyone tells me that there is someone out there somewhere I highly doubt that at this point in life. Every guy who come close to me and tries to win over my heart I push away. I am afraid of being hurt again like I have been with Mike. Mike has hurt me in so many ways that I feel like my heart has shattered. There is nothing left of it. People come along and try to put it back together but there are just too many pieces; too much damage. Kyle keeps on trying to win my heart, and he's a sweet guy, but I am afraid to take that step to him. My heart and my head are confused. They want to like him but they aren't sure if that is the case. I am also afraid that their won't be that spark; that incredible spark I felt when I was with Mike. No one has been able to replicate that.

The only thing I can do now is fill my heart with hate and keep on going. And then rip Mike a new one f he ever talks to me again. And I will not give in first. There is no way I am going to give that ass the satisfaction of crawling to him. No way. I will keep my heart as strong and cold as steel. There is no way I am going to let him inside again to rip me apart. I have been ripped apart by him too much and too many times. I am done.

~Dragon Eyes~