Lonely

Now that I am back on campus and surrounded by people I find that I am lonelier than ever. I look around at all the people and feel like I am missing out. I don't know why, but I just feel like I am standing still while everyone is running by. I miss being on campus all day and going to class and hanging out with people at night and doing real homework. I feel like I have no life this semester with student teaching and I feel like I am missing out on my last semester at Eastern. It just doesn't seem fair.

I want to go home more than anything in the world. I want to be with my family and friends and especially with my horse. I don't want to be on this campus anymore and I don't want to student teach anymore. I have pretty much hit the end of the line. Every weekend I escape home and every Sunday when I come back I feel like it gets harder and harder to find a reason to come back. A deep seated sadness seems to sink into me and won't let me go. And as I sink further and further, the lonelier I seem to become. I know there are people out there who love and care for me and will do anything for me, but for some reason I just feel alone and helpless. I hate feeling like this because this isn't me. I just feel like no one understands what I am going through and no one knows how I feel. If I could transfer how I feel every day on to someone I think they would then understand how I feel.

Five weeks is a long time left, but there is nothing else I can do but keep going and hope to make it out alive on the other side. My lesson plan is done for tomorrow and I can now sit and do nothing here at work, which might not be the greatest for me, but there is nothing else I can do. I already got my crying out of the way on the way back to campus. I think I must cry at least once a week, if not more. It's not a prolonged type of crying, just a quick cry. I can't seem to bring myself to cry for long periods of time anyway. It just isn't my style to draw it out or something.

This Tuesday will be about three weeks since me and Mike have talked. I wonder how long this will last. And I wonder why he suddenly decided that I wasn't worth talking to anymore...

~Dragon Eyes~