I Only Have Half a Bathing Suit!

Unfortunately the bathing suit I ordered came in the mail today. And in trying it on I rediscovered all of the reasons why I abhor bathing suits. Who ever thought tight fitting, skimpy things would be attractive. Okay, maybe on a person who is the size of a toothpick, but that's about it. I will gladly stay covered, thank you very much.

My sister's bathing suit bottom got back ordered. I was reading business stuff in my room when all I hear is, "I only have half a bathing suit!" It made reading business that much better. I guess I am just having one of those fat days. After Thanksgiving I am whipping my rear in gear because I need to keep up my image.

And speaking of image and school. This is the first time since I have started Branford Hall that I consistently have the aggressive, jealous competitive "I must prove I'm better" feeling. I usually do not feel the need to compete with others. I don't like to. It's too much work and too much stress. And now I find myself stressed out and cranky. And no, it's not just the holiday drivers. I get along with all of my classmates. We are awesome at helping each other out and giving feedback and showing each other new exercises and such. No one feels the need to show off. No one is negative. And I don't ever feel like I have to prove I am good at what I do. The guys think I am one of them and I get along really well with Joann and Kathleen because the three of us have so much in common with each other and all have goofy personalities and senses of humor. This new girl is different. And is driving me up a wall. Literally.

While she is really nice, it ends there. She already has a personal trainer. That's fine. I was thinking of getting one, but I am now starting to work out with one of my classmates who is training some faculty after school. He got me and Kathleen to join to work out and give him constructive feedback. Now since this girl has a personal trainer she thinks she knows everything. And she loves to show off. She grabs weights that are twice to three times the amount I would use. Not that I couldn't use them. Great, there is that competitiveness again. I know for a fact that I can perform better motions with a smaller weight and I am okay with that. Until now. She's showing off and driving up the competition. I sit there and fume silently because I suddenly feel inadequate and replaced. The funny thing is right now is the first time I am realizing how this girl makes me feel. Wow. I have no become my own therapist.

I suddenly feel inadequate because I was the tough girl who could keep up with the guys and prove to myself and them that I wasn't just a girly girl who couldn't do anything. I guess I have struggled with feeling inadequate for my entire life. People look at me and see that I am a girl. So already I can't do anything manly. And I am blond. Which means I am dumb and can be pushed around and talked down to. No. That is not the case. I am smart and strong and won't let anyone push me around. And I know this. It's taken a long time for me to know this. But I will still feel inadequate at times. I watch other people ride and feel like I am so far below them, and that's apparently not the case according to Gail. Or when I do a simple balance exercise like I did during break today and could do it on one side and not the other. At first I was frustrated, but then I told myself that balance exercises are hard for me and for everyone because everyone is uneven. My back injury also plays in with that as well. But this girl makes it all seem so much worse. She will grab the 15 or 20 pound dumbbells when I would have chosen 5 or 10. It makes me feel weak.

I also feel replaced, because suddenly she is getting attention from everyone and she is the loud one and the crazy one, when I used to be the bubbly out going one. It makes me feel like I am suddenly a wall flower or that her personality overrides and shadows mine. When I get thrown out of my element, I become quiet and shy, and I am slowly slipping back into that role.

And all in all it makes me upset. And that is where this competitive jealousy drive is coming from. I have to prove I am better. And there is no failing in this.

Now I ended up talking to Chino about her at lunch since he was working with her during our functional training. And it was very interesting to hear what he had to say. While he agrees that she is nice, he also believes that she thinks she's better than us because she has a trainer and that what she does is better than all our other exercises. When Chino was showing her a bicep/tricep exercise, she was performing it wrong and stating she didn't feel anything. When Chino corrected her and she performed it right she stated it didn't feel right and she didn't like it and did her own thing. Chino told me that he finds it very hard to work with her because she just has her own agenda and he hates the negativity because it makes him feel like he is inadequate. He told me that she has a great dislike of using small weights and he will let her struggle with the heavy weights just to try and prove a point with her. It's half working. He just thinks we need to knock her ego down a few notches. He also said that he attitude and personality enable her to draw the guys to her because she has that show off attitude. But it is also causing the other girls to hate her and draw away. Kathleen is a meek and quiet person and Joann isn't loud and wild either. And even though I can be loud, I am not obnoxious and I am constantly taking in new information and trying new things.

It's just all so frustrating because I suddenly am thrown out of my element and have no idea how to handle myself with any of it. I put on a smile and fake friendliness, but inside I am seething to my very core. It's just so hard for me to be nice when inside I am screaming to put her in her place. HARD.

Arg. I think I have vented enough for right now. I am sorry about it, but I kind of needed some outlet that wasn't beating this girl's face in. At least this is the last day of class for the week. That makes me feel better, as well as knowing I get to work out with Brian and Kathleen and a couple other women tomorrow as well as an hour long massage.

~Dragon Eyes~