Commitment Issues

I am going on my date tonight with Kyle (date number three), and for some reason I am more terrified than I was when I went out with him the very first time over a year ago. I sat down and talked to myself for a little bit and ended up talking to Amanda as well and I have commitment issues. I want a boyfriend and would like to have someone I can always confide in and who will always comfort me, but whenever I see myself working up to that point or getting into a relationship I panic and back away. It happens without fail. I can't seem to take the next step and let someone else into my life. I shut down and back away. Without fail. I don't know why I have these issues, but I hate them. Just when someone amazing walks into my life I suddenly feel trapped with no way out, backed into a corner. I'm starting to feel this way with Kyle and I want to kick some sense into myself. Let go and take that last frightening step forward. Open up to someone for once in my life. But thinking about doing that is frightening. As my sister put it nicely, "I am not intimate. I am a robot!"

I think part of this stems back to Mike. This is what Amanda picked out and I can see it. There was never really any closure between me and Mike. Things didn't get resolved and things just fell apart. I don't know how else to describe it. I don't know how our relationship could have been. I don't know any of that. Maybe we would have been amazing together and maybe we would have ended up right here again. I don't know and no one else knows, because nothing happened. I can close my eyes and picture us together. As I told Amanda, I could see myself married to him with kids. We were perfect for each other, but then again we must not have been since he doesn't talk to me and he has his own bimbo girlfriend. I keep trying to tell myself, "It's over and I have moved on to better things." But it's not easy. It's so hard.

I am afraid about how tonight is going to turn out. We are supposed to grab some food and then go see Nightmare on Elm Street at like 9ish. After that I will probably head home since I am supposed to see my kids tomorrow at Nathan Hale Ray High School. That moment when we leave scares me, because I don't know what's going to happen. He calls me "love" all the time now and we talk every day, and I am afraid that I'll be pushed into another relationship again. The last time that happened, ended horribly. I also wonder if his attachment is deeper than mine right now. I've gone through all this crap with Andrew and Mike before that. I am afraid to get myself in those situations again and be miserable again. I don't know if me and Kyle are going to share our first kiss tonight or not, but I don't know if I'm ready for that quite yet. And I am afraid to be rushed.

Usually when I get into these situations I back away. I could have called him and told Kyle that I wasn't feeling great and that we could postpone, but then how many more times would I do it before he backs away from me? I don't know. I guess I am facing my fears head on tonight and hoping to come out on the other end in one piece.

~Dragon Eyes~