The Writing on the Wall

I had a great night tonight with my friends from home at the bachelorette party. It was very low key and we just all spent time chatting and just catching up on everything. We also talked about guys the entire night. That was by far the most interesting and enlightening experiences. It was interesting to hear about everyone's experiences with relationships now and in the past. We talked late into the night and with the time change I am now writing this at 4am instead of 3am. Oh well. I figured I might as well put all of this down on here before I go to sleep and lose everything...or I'm putting it all up here so I don't keep myself awake all night.

Tonight put my relationship into the spotlight as well as I talked with all my friends and explained everything that was going on between me and Andrew. After much debating and such I found quite a things. Most of them that I knew in my heart but had just never voiced aloud to myself or anyone else for that matter. There are just so many things that are working with this relationship. I will list them out. Be prepared. There are a lot of them it seems.

1. I feel like this relationship was rushed into. I was hedging about it, but he really pushed to get me to commit to him. I barely knew him then and just sort of leaped without looking. Let's just say that is not always a good thing.

2. I don't really know him. The two of us never really got a chance to get to know each other and become friends before becoming official and everything. I doubt I could answer very many questions about him.

3. Every time we hang out either both of us are drunk or he is. There is hardly ever a time where the two of us are sober together. He is always drinking something. Like a beer at 3pm. Is there ever a time where we can hang out without alcohol? I feel like he needs it to be around me. That's not good and those are alcoholic tendencies. He's always going out drinking with people and then says he has no money. I wonder why.

4. He can be clingy. There are times when I just want to be left to my own devices and be the independent person I am. There was one night at work where he talked to me for 5 hours straight. After a while I didn't even want to talk to him. I just wanted to watch my movie, but he wouldn't leave me be.

5. There are things he tries to rush me into. The relationship was one of them, but the sex stuff as well. He told me he wanted to have sex with me, but he was willing to wait. As long as it was sooner than 6 months. That's called rushing and it makes me uncomfortable. I want to work myself up to it and have it be a good experience. I don't want to rush something as big as that. He also already mentioned living together. O_O That's WAY too fast for me!

6. It's a long distance relationship. And right now it is killing me. I see him once on the weekends if I'm lucky. He lives too far away from me and it's hard to get together to spend time together. Which leads me to the fact that we don't know each other at all. Some people are good at the distance thing. I am not really one of them.

7. I'm very busy. It's the truth. This semester has been insane for me. I have had no time to breathe. When it gets to the weekends all I want to do is sleep and not be bothered. But every weekend he has to visit me. And when he comes up my sleep pattern is destroyed and I don't get enough sleep or don't sleep at all. I can't do that over and over again. It gets harder for me to keep going week after week. And then when I looked at my schedule I won't be available at all for the next 4 or 5 weeks. How is that supposed to work? It isn't. I can't drop everything for him. That just can't and won't happen.

8. We only talk to each other through aim or texting. We never talk talk on the phone. He doesn't like to and it's hard because you can't express the same feelings through aim or texting as you do with a regular phone call. Maybe it would help bring us closer.

9. I have no emotional attachment. I don't. When he IMs me or texts me, I'm not really super excited or anything and it's the same when he's coming up to visit. I just don't feel excited to see him and it many ways would rather not. There is just nothing there. I don't know but I just don't have any interest anymore.

10. Our relationship doesn't feel real. It feels like we just put a title on it for kicks. So we have the title but I just don't feel like he's my boyfriend. I don't see him enough or talk to him enough to make it so. It holds no value to me.

11. He is not a great kisser. Yeah that's kind of a sad reason to put down, but he is. I love kissing, but not when it's bad. This is why I hardly kiss him.

12. My heart is already with someone else. Yes. My heart belongs to Mike. I still see him and talk to him and feel that excitement and feel that smile cross my lips. There is something about him that just makes me happy and excited to be with him and I feel like he wants to be with me too. Even if he doesn't it doesn't matter to me. Things with him feel real while they just don't with Andrew.

Yes, that's a lot of reasons pointing in a direction that isn't being together with him. There are just so many not so good things while there are only one or two good things. I really think I am going to talk to him and put this relationship off for now. We can still talk and hang out, but not as a couple. We aren't ready for it. He definitely isn't. I'm pretty much his first real girlfriend and he doesn't know how to act around me or with me. Which makes it hard. Putting if off for now seems best. Maybe at the end of May things will be different. Maybe we will find something in each other that we didn't see or have before. Or maybe we won't. Who knows. But right now I am kidding myself. I am not happy in this relationship and don't want to have to deal with it and be unhappy. That's not fair to me and it's not fair to Andrew if I lead him on. Might as well end it now before things go too far.

I know this will be hard on him and my friends won't understand. But it just never clicked between the two of us. That spark just wasn't there. I don't know. I hope my friends reading this don't think poorly about me for this, but I need to do what's right for both of us. And right now being together isn't it.

~Dragon Eyes~